Intimate Treason. Claudia Black

alt=""/> I need you to attend twelve-step meetings weekly.

      

Work-related travel for the next six months is unacceptable.

      

No Internet access without filtering software.

      

Assets are to be in my name.

      

Money will be handled by me for the next six months.

      

I need you to be an open book with all email accounts and cell phone bills.

      

I need certain named family members to be told about your addiction.

      

No contact with affair partner.

      

I will engage with you sexually once we have agreed and completed an abstinence contract and have discussed our readiness with our support people.

      

I expect us both to be tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

      

Strip clubs are not acceptable.

      

Computer moved to central location.

      

From the examples above and your own situation, make a list of your nonnegotiables and consider what you would gain by following through with them. What would the consequence(s) be for you if you did not have these identified nonnegotiables?

      The key to a healthy boundary is being willing to follow through with your bottom line. You have probably made threats in the past that both you and your partner know were not acted upon. Therefore, as you consider what your nonnegotiables are and intend to present them to your partner, you need to be prepared to act on them if they are violated. Your inclination might be to focus on relying on the addict to do his or her part, so you won’t have to do yours. But following through on your nonnegotiables is your responsibility and is a part of your recovery. To not follow through means you are enabling the behavior; you are saying the behavior is okay. You are willing to tolerate it. And neither you nor the relationship will change. In fact, it may get worse.

      By taking the time to define your nonnegotiables list, you give yourself the opportunity to ensure that your actions and your words will be consistent. One man said if he ever learned his wife had contact with her ex-lover, he would immediately file for custody of their only child. A woman said that if her spouse didn’t seek inpatient care should he relapse—and for him relapse meant acting out with a person—she would begin filing for divorce. Another woman said that if her partner violated any of the nonnegotiables and didn’t tell her within a specified time period, then separation would occur. In all of these examples, these individuals had to be ready to initiate their plan of action should their partner resume the acting-out behaviors.

      Here are some examples of consequences if your nonnegotiables are violated.

      

I will leave the marriage/relationship.

      

I will gather more data and wait and see.

      

I will ask him to discuss my concerns with his support group.

      

I will tell her that this is unacceptable to me.

      

I will sleep in a different bedroom.

      

I will ask him or her to go to residential treatment.

      

I will follow up on divorce proceedings.

       From your list of nonnegotiables, consider what your follow-up actions will be if the boundaries are violated. What do you believe will help you to follow through on your commitment to yourself as these nonnegotiables become part of your self-care?

       EXAMPLES

       I will ask my counselor and friends to remind me that I am only enabling the behavior and it will just continue as long as I do that.

       I will remind myself to take care of me now, to do certain recovery-oriented things so if I have to follow through I will have greater strength to do it.

       WAIT-AND-SEE APPROACH

      Your nonnegotiable list needs to take into account the totality of what you are facing and how prepared you are for the actions you will need to take if violations occur. The consequences are dependent on you. They can be small or large depending on the degree of the transgression and the reality of whether or not you are prepared to take action.

      The wait-and-see approach doesn’t necessarily imply an immediate consequence will occur if a boundary is crossed. It is intended more as an observing stance whereby information is gathered and not responded to. This is especially useful for those who are prone to making threats and need time