Intimate Treason. Claudia Black

of your healing journey. In these instances, having some agreement as to what gets disclosed is where common ground can be made between you and your partner. While situations vary, it is respectful to tell your partner with whom it is you are sharing.

      Knowing your motivation will help to direct you in determining with whom you will share and to what depth of detail you will share. You want to honor yourself and no longer engage in behaviors that keep you in a victim role or that isolate you in such a manner that causes your pain to escalate. At the same time you need to give consideration to those who are most safe. You will find in time the answer to this question becomes clear.

Developing a Strong Support System

       The need for support that goes beyond family and friends is addressed in the following section. Several possibilities to meet those needs are presented, as well as useful resources. You also will be guided through exercises that help you explore those self-sabotaging beliefs that hinder your efforts to reach out and allow others to be there for you. You will then identify new beliefs that may help you to incorporate additional support.

      Seeking support means reaching out for help where and when you can. It can bridge the distance between living with despair and shame versus living with self-respect and dignity. In the previous exercise “Deciding Whom to Tell,” you explored those relationships closest to you and thought through who was or was not safe to tell about the immediate crisis. Some of these people are friends and family, some are not. Beginning to let others know what you’re going through is a big step in breaking the isolation you are feeling. Finding a good support system is another such step in the healing process, as it is more focused on finding specialized help pertaining to the crisis at hand.

      Part of living in an addictive system is the social and emotional isolation that can occur over time. This is particularly true when the nature of the problem is sexual addiction. It can be very scary to ask for help. You may find it difficult to let your guard down and allow others to help you. Even if you want support, you may not know how to find it.

      Regardless of the type of person you are, outgoing or reserved, cautious or too-trusting, asking for help may bring up negative messages about whether you will get what you need or if you deserve it. Often these messages originate from your family and the environment in which you were raised. Many partners describe homes where they felt alone in coping with problems. Many may not even remember asking for help. Many grew up in families where there was addiction and the secrets and shame that supported the maladaptive behaviors meant it was not okay to let others outside the family know its problems.

      These types of scenarios result in an emotionally invalidating environment and affect how you relate to others in adult relationships. You learned that asking for help backfired and that rigid self-reliance was the best way to survive and adapt in your family. How you thought about your circumstances helped you tolerate a system in which you were meant to serve the needs of the family, not the other way around.

      Today you may recognize your self-talk as a hindrance to getting the support you need. You fear that no one will really understand and they will judge you. Your thoughts become a self-sabotaging cycle of beliefs that hinder your efforts to get better.

       Let’s first look at roadblocks to seeking support. What do you tell yourself that prevents you from reaching out and allowing others to help you? In your journal, write those statements from the list below that you most identify with.

      

No one really cares about my problems.

      

Everyone has their own problems; I don’t need to burden them with mine.

      

They won’t understand the issue and will only want to blame me.

      

They will tell me to leave him or her.

      

It’s wrong to lean on others. I should be able to handle this myself.

      

I’m afraid I will need too much and push others away.

      

I feel everyone I tell should be there for me all the time.

      

This is too humiliating. I will simply fall apart.

      

Other thoughts.

      

If you do not seek outside support, what will you gain? Will you feel better, worse, or the same? Or, if you do not seek outside support, what will the cost be to you?

      

What could you tell yourself that will make it more likely for you to reach out? What are some reasons to reach out for help?

       EXAMPLES

       I am not the only one who has had to face this.

       It would be nice to meet others in similar situations.

       I don’t need to feel ashamed. It will feel good to not be so alone with my thoughts and feelings.

       Others will understand.

       It’s okay to ask for help.

       He/she really does care about me and would want to be available to me.