Although the father has a right and duty to punish family members for improper behavior, social controls function to keep his punishment within acceptable bounds. The essence of these controls is the man’s own honor: to act unjustly or to punish unjustly is also considered dishonorable. Those who disagree with the punishment the father chooses must convince him that what he is doing is improper and thus dishonorable. The most potent controller of behavior is perhaps public opinion, which is usually shaped by gossip initiated within the man’s own household. A man’s mother, his brothers, or his wife’s brothers are also considered to have important influence.
Interestingly enough, a man’s mother can be directly influenced by the man’s wife or wives, who also hold sway over their brothers. Brothers are brought around through their wives, and wives of brothers commonly work hard at building close relationships, perhaps for this very reason. The power of gossip and the building of close relationships with people who hold social power give women more control over their world than is at first evident (see Weaving, p. 242–244). This control is applied with such tact and diplomacy that husbands often think they are acting on their own ideas. Women never withhold their sexual favors or refuse to do their household jobs, but they can show their displeasure by approaching these activities in so listless, joyless, and bored a fashion that husbands often openly search for a way to restore equanimity and tranquility to the household.
Marriage
Marriages are arranged, and the father has authority over the choice of spouse. Other family members, however, often heavily influence his decision. The ideal, and most prestigious bride for those families who can afford it, is said to be a Bedouin (see p. 29, 238). This aspiration would seem to be, at least in the villages near al-Hiba, mostly a dream. In the course of my work I know of only one Bedouin engagement and as you will see below it never came to fruition. Otherwise a father usually looks first to his brothers’ children for potential mates. Such marriages have the benefit of (1) costing less to arrange because the bride price and dowry can be kept to a minimum, (2) aiding the patrilineal kinship organization by keeping this distributed property in the family unit, (3) providing the comfort of a familiar environment for both marriage partners who know their in-laws well and have been brought up in much the same way. For the father, the fact that he accepts a low bride price for his daughters is offset by the fact that he can acquire wives for his sons at the same reduced rate.
Often an older woman of the village serves as matchmaker, searching out appropriate and prestigious mates. The women of the family also play a significant, often-crucial role: they are able to report on aspects of the potential partner’s personality and upbringing to which the father has no direct access. Women seem to prefer marriage in their own lineage for they fear they might be badly treated if they are forced to move far enough away to void the protection of their own family. They also believe that they are less likely to be divorced or made second wives by further marriages if their relatives are close by.
The ideal young woman is sturdy and has long legs, large hips, small waist, large breasts, long neck, large, liquid eyes (“the size of eggs”), and long, thick black hair. She is strong and healthy, a well-trained housekeeper, shows promise of being a good mother, and is responsible and modest. Young men are admired for wiry builds, aquiline features, flashing white teeth, and piercing eyes that look with such intensity that they “burn a hole through the walls of the mudhif.” They are also responsible and modest, and they have superior farming, fishing, and hunting skills. For males, overweight is considered a bizarre deformity; fat men are the butt of unkind jokes as are men with extremely pale skin. Blue eyes are considered full of potential evil and in this reflective of their owner’s soul. The color of my eyes, a bluish-green, meant that I almost always made a bad first impression and had to work very hard to overcome attitudes that had persisted for generations.
Marriages are arranged in a series of visits between the fathers of the prospective couple, and presents are exchanged. After the subject is broached, the fathers continue discussions to determine the dowry and the bride price. In 1968, the bride price paid by the father of the groom to the father of the bride, and the dowry, the personal possessions brought to the marriage by the new bride from outside the lineage were about equal in value, ranging from about 400 Iraqi ID (Iraqi Dinars) for a village wife to 1,000 ID for a Bedouin (then about $800 to $2,000). The intra-lineage price ranged from 25 to 50 ID. In 1990 prices up to 5,000 ID were being asked for outside the lineage brides, but seldom paid. The war between Iraq and Iran had greatly reduced the number of eligible males, and families were lucky to find husbands for all their young girls. A bride is more expensive if she is especially beautiful or if the groom to be has a bad reputation. Although not exorbitant by later standards, the amounts for outside brides were often large enough to keep men from marriage several years longer than they or their parents wished.
After the details of the bride price, dowry, and ceremony are finalized, the marriage contract is usually signed by the two fathers and a witness for each family, at the sheikh’s mudhif or at the bride’s home in the presence of the sheikh, a religious man, or a Sayidi, a descendent of the Prophet Muhammed. The contract usually reads: “I marry my daughter to [name], accepting the payment which both sides involved have agreed in the manner prescribed by the Quran.” A meal prepared by the mother and female relatives of the bride is served to the men. Unseen by the men and gathered in a nearby structure, the female members of both families also feast, sing, and ululate. The next day the groom takes a basket of meat, dried fish, sweets, fruit, nuts, and other treats to the bride’s house, and the basket is returned with gifts for the groom’s family. The actual marriage day is set during the next few days through discussions in the sheikh’s or town’s mudhif.
Between the signing of the marriage contract and the actual wedding, the groom, his family, and friends construct an addition to the family compound for the newlyweds. A room is usually added onto the main structure of the family home, with an entrance from the courtyard, not from the structure to which it is attached. The volunteer workmen—young male relatives and friends of the groom—are fed by the women of the groom’s family, but the women usually stay apart from the building activities which are accompanied by many jokes, some of them crude. Before the wedding day, the bridegroom and his male relatives make the rounds of the village inviting people to the wedding.
On the day of the wedding the groom bathes, dresses in his best clothes, and is joined in celebrating by his male relatives and friends. The bride is washed, perfumed, hennaed, and usually dressed in a special glittery, metallic cloth with strong, bright colors called “turn-out-the-lights-and-catch-me-fabric.” She is then placed atop a platform at one end of her house where she is surrounded by girls of her own age (usually between 12 and 15) singing wedding songs that extol the bride’s virtues and beauty and often the groom’s virtues as well.
There are two types of wedding celebrations. In an ordinary wedding, the bride’s relatives meet and celebrate at her home. They then conduct the bride and her dowry to the groom’s house. The procession, preferably with the bride mounted on a horse, is accompanied by music and singing.
In the second kind of wedding, both sets of relatives participate in the celebration at the bride’s home. When the groom arrives, astride a horse and amidst a volley of gunshots triggered by his friends, a battle ensues between the two sets of relatives for possession of the bride. The groom’s family always wins, but there is often no pretense about the strength of the blows delivered on both sides. The groom seizes the bride, carries her outside, throws her across the horse’s shoulders in front of him, and gallops home. Both sets of guests follow directly, but more slowly, singing and dancing, and the most important members of the girl’s family accompany the dowry. The second kind of wedding is usual in families that emphasize their nomadic ancestry and in addition have considerable material resources, not least for the horse required for the ceremony. Renting a horse in an area where few exist (and those that do are treasured as members of the family) is very difficult and extremely expensive. It costs