Chapter 4
At the Feet of the Master
Lessons in Love
“The family that prays together stays together.” Servant of God Patrick Peyton, C.S.C.
Living the unique vision of marriage we’ve described in the last few chapters doesn’t come naturally. Many of us didn’t witness this in our parents’ marriage, and we certainly don’t see it on television, in the movies, or on the Internet! The fact is, no matter how much you and your spouse love each other, there is a point in every marriage where every couple hits the wall — a point where it feels like all the human love you can summon on your own just isn’t enough to make it. In those times, couples need to plug into a power source that is bigger than both of them put together. They need to create a direct line that taps into the love that comes from God’s own heart.
In order to have any hope of succeeding at living out the radically different, deeply soulful, and ultimately transformative, free, total, faithful, and fruitful marital love to which we’re called, we are going to have to sit, together, as a couple, at the feet of the Master, and learn from him one day at a time. We’re going to have to learn to pray together as a couple, every day, about every aspect of our marriage and the life we are building together as a couple.
But Isn’t Prayer “Too Private”?
Many Catholics mistakenly believe that prayer is a private affair that is simply too personal and too intimate to be shared with one’s spouse, but nothing could be further from the truth. As Catholics, we believe that while prayer is certainly an intimate affair, and deeply personal, it is never private.
Even when you think you are praying alone, in reality, the entire communion of saints is praying with you! Prayer is always a communal activity. As the Catechism tells us, “Prayer is Christian insofar as it is communion with Christ and extends throughout the Church, which is his Body” (2565, emphasis in original). By definition, then, prayer is an activity that draws us into deeper intimacy with God and others. While there is certainly a place and a time for praying on your own, there is really no such thing as a prayer that you keep to yourself. It would not be a stretch to say that you are never less alone than when you pray.
If a couple truly wishes to live a full and joyful Catholic marriage, praying together is anything but optional. This is more than just a pious sentiment. There’s actually a solid body of evidence that backs up the practical benefits of couple-prayer.
Science Says — Benefits of Couple-Prayer
If there was a completely affordable pill that was completely without side effects and proven to make you up to 20 percent happier, would you take it? Well, God has something even better for you.
A joint study by the University of Virginia and the University of Texas at San Antonio found that up to 83 percent of couples who pray together are happy with their marriage compared to only 69 percent of couples that do not pray together. On average, couples who pray together tend to be about 15 to 20 percent happier with their relationships than couples who don’t (Rushnell and DuArt, 2011). Likewise, research by the Florida State University Family Institute shows that couples who pray together display higher levels of marital commitment and are significantly less likely to fall prey to infidelity (Fincham, Lambert, Beach, 2010). These are just two examples of literally hundreds of studies that show that when couples pray together, they are dramatically more secure and happy with each other than couples that don’t. In fact, according to sociologist Andrew Greeley, of all the factors known to contribute to marital happiness and stability, couple-prayer has been found to be “the most powerful correlate of marital happiness that we have yet discovered” (1992).
Couple Prayer: How Do You Begin? What Do You Say?
First of all, relax. Just like there is no one right way to talk to a friend, there isn’t one right way to pray. God, who indeed calls us “friends” (Jn 15:15), is happy to receive our prayers as long as they come from our heart.
Try to choose a regular time (e.g., 9:00 p.m.) or at least a regular time of the day (e.g., “right after dinner” or “right before bed”) and a consistent place. This way you can create a prayer ritual, and it will be easier to remember. Don’t worry if one of you tends to remember to initiate prayer more than the other. Although, ultimately, it is both of your jobs to make prayer happen, the most important thing is that it happens.
Once you’ve managed to find a good time and place, then what? What do you say? The short answer is, “Whatever you want.”
Because there isn’t a right way to pray, you have a lot of freedom about what your prayer time might look like. That said, here are some things you might like to keep in mind so that you and your beloved can get the most out of couple-prayer.
1. Remember the Point
No matter what you do, always remember that the point of couple-prayer is not about checking off certain boxes or jumping through certain spiritual hoops. At its best, couple-prayer is a shared, intimate conversation with God that brings you closer to him and to each other. Keep thinking about what kinds of prayer might have the greatest chance of helping you accomplish those ends.
Do you have a favorite prayer from childhood? A particular devotion (like the Rosary or Divine Mercy Chaplet) that you’d like to try? Is there a Scripture study guide or prayer book you’re familiar with or that someone has recommended to you? Maybe you’re just more comfortable talking out loud to God in your own words. Feel free to experiment. It’s normal to feel awkward the first few times you try to pray together as a couple. But if, after a while, you aren’t feeling inspired by your present efforts, try a different approach. The beautiful thing about our faith is that there are so many ways Catholics can pray, you’ll never run out of options.
2. Formal or Informal Prayer?
There are two basic forms of simple (aka “vocal”) prayer: formal and informal. Formal prayer involves prayers that have been provided by the Church — such as the Hail Mary, the Our Father, or the Rosary — or perhaps other devotions or a Scripture study. Formal prayer isn’t formal in the sense that it’s fancy and requires you to wear a tuxedo or ball gown, but in the sense that it follows a particular form. We like to think of formal prayer as a love poem or a love song. Even though someone else wrote it, singing “your song” to each other or quoting lines from a meaningful passage of a favorite poem can be a beautiful way to share your heart with someone you love. In the same way, using different types of formal prayers can be both a great way to get started with couple-prayer (because it eliminates the guesswork) and a great way to go deeper (because you are praying with the mind of the Church). Some of the greatest couple-pray-ers began with something as simple as a nightly commitment to say one Hail Mary or Our Father together for “the intention of our marriage.”
That said, it would be a little odd if, when you want to tell each other how much you love each other or say something important, you only sing love songs or quote poetry. You need to talk to each other in your own words too. In fact, it’s all the personal conversations you’ve shared and all the meaningful moments you’ve created together that give those songs and poetry their power. That’s why informal prayer (that is, prayer in your own words without a predetermined form) can also be an important part of couple-prayer. Informal prayers can become most meaningful when they help you recall all the times you’ve shared your heart with God in your own words. If you’re not used to praying in your own words, you might begin with some simple statements like “God, thank you for X” or “God, please help me/us with Y” or “Please bless my friend, so-and-so.” You don’t have to be flowery or even wordy. Just put your heart into it like