For some people, the most intimidating thing about couple-prayer is figuring out who says what and when. Be casual about this. You can even work it out while you pray by looking at each other and asking, “Do you have anything you want to say/add?” The normal way couples approach figuring out who-says-what-and-when is by simply taking turns. For instance, one of you might say the first half of the Hail Mary (up to “… the fruit of thy womb Jesus”), and the other might say the second half (from “Holy Mary … hour of our death, Amen”). Or you might spend a minute or two thanking God for the blessings of the day in your own words and then, before moving on to whatever the next part of your prayer might be, you could stop and give your spouse an opportunity to thank God for something in his or her own words. Once both of you have said your piece, you can move on to the next part of your prayer time. Like learning a new dance, with practice you’ll be able to be more flexible about who-says-what-and-when. But for starters, taking turns responding to each part of the prayer can be a great way to kick things off.
4. Think About Your Goal
Each time you pray, it can be helpful to think a little bit about what you hope to take away from your prayer time. For instance, sometimes we pray to thank God either for a particular blessing or just for being God and loving us. Sometimes we ask God for help, for us or a friend who is suffering. Other times, we need to ask God for his forgiveness and his help to not let us commit the same sin again. It can be good to think a little bit about what is the most important thing to communicate to God today. If you’re stuck, that’s okay too. Just tell God that you’re not sure what to say and ask him to put the words he’d like you to say into your heart. Sometimes the best prayer times come when words fail us and we just let the Holy Spirit do all the work in us. Regardless, when a couple prays together, it can be good to start your prayer time with a brief discussion about what you’d like to take from the experience. You don’t have to have a spiritual plan ready for filing in triplicate with the Home Office, but knowing what you’d like the focus of your prayer time to be can help couple-prayer be a more meaningful experience.
5. Be Flexible
Some nights you’ll have more energy and time than others. It’s okay to vary how you pray from day to day. Perhaps there’s a day you can only manage to say a Glory Be. The next day might be the same. The following day you might pray in your own words together. Maybe the time after that, you’ll both want to pray a Rosary, and the next day you might be back to the Glory Be. Making the commitment to a regular couple-prayer ritual is more important in the long term than how you pray on any given day. Just try to build on what you usually do as time progresses. Learning the process of prayer — especially couple-prayer — is more of a journey than a destination. No matter how simply you start out, you will find that in time, with a regular commitment, God will take you deeper into his own time, as you are ready. Trust him. In fact, that’s one of the most important parts of the process.
The Praise Format
In our own efforts to cultivate couple-prayer, we use all the ideas we’ve recommended above, but something else that has been very helpful for us is having a semi-structured prayer time. Many couples that pray together find that they get the most out of it if they spend a little time with different dimensions of prayer. Because of that, we like to use the acronym PRAISE to serve as a guide to our couple-prayer time:
P = PRAISE and thank God for his blessings.
R = REPENT of the small ways you’ve let God or each other down.
A = ASK for God’s help with special concerns that are on your heart.
I = INTERCEDE for others.
S = SEEK his will about bigger decisions/questions that are on your heart.
E = EXPRESS your desire to serve him until you meet again in prayer.
Depending upon our energy on a given day, this format could take as little as five minutes or as much as an hour or more. It can include elements of both formal and informal prayer, as you see fit. Over the next few pages, we’ll take a look at each step and give you a brief example of what it might look like in practice.
P = Praise and Thank God
Praise refers to honoring who God is, while thanksgiving refers to honoring God for what he has done. Take a moment to praise God for who he is to you and to thank God for the little blessings you’ve experienced throughout the day. Again, don’t feel that you have to say anything fancy. Just take turns between you and your spouse, thanking God for the ways he has shown that he is taking care of you. For instance:
Husband: “Thank you, Lord, for letting work go so well today. I’m really grateful for your help.”
Wife: “Yes, Lord. And thank you for helping me get everything together for the class I’m teaching in the parish school of religion.”
Husband: “And, God, I just want to thank you for letting my wife and me get some time for a date this weekend. Thanks for giving us the time we need to take care of each other.”
As we said, this doesn’t have to be fancy. You can thank God for everything from the great parking spot you got that was close to the mall entrance to the miraculous recovery your mom made from that illness. Big or small, it doesn’t matter. Being thankful is a simple way of giving God the praise he deserves. God doesn’t need our praise. But when we praise him, it reminds us of all the little ways he is present in our lives, and it enables us to trust him more — and as a bonus, taking a moment to recall the things you are grateful for is good for your mental health. One study has shown that the simple exercise of listing things to be grateful for increases the average daily level of happiness a person experiences by 25 percent (Eammons, 2007).
Happier spouses make for happier marriages!
R = Repentance
We’re not talking about confessing your sins here. You can save that for confession. But this would be a good time to reflect together on the little ways you might not have done as good a job taking care of each other, and asking God to help you do better the next time similar circumstances arise:
Husband: “Lord, I’m sorry for being short-tempered with my wife when I got home from work today. She really didn’t deserve it. Thank you for not letting it turn into a ‘thing.’ Help me to do a better job taking care of her when I feel frustrated about my work.”
Wife: “And Lord, I’m sorry for not trying to be more understanding. I know that he wasn’t really upset with me, but it’s hard not to react. I’m grateful too that you gave us the grace to not turn it into an argument, but help me to be more understanding and sensitive next time.”
Keep in mind that this PRAISE format is just a guideline. You don’t have to use all the steps all the time (or at all). Some days, you might not feel that you have anything to repent of, but most days there will probably be something you’d like to get God’s help with. Admitting your simple flaws in front of your spouse and God requires humility — but so does having a great marriage. Letting God, and your spouse, know of your commitment to do better the next time is a great way to keep resentments from building up — God will give you the grace to overcome those weaknesses so that, in time, they won’t be weaknesses anymore.
A = Ask
This step comes fairly easy to most people. We’re good at asking God for things. Take a moment to ask God for help with any practical concerns you might have. They don’t have to be particularly noble or spiritual concerns. Just invite God into your everyday life and acknowledge that you can’t do anything — even the smallest things — without him:
Husband: “Lord, please help me to get everything done. I feel really overwhelmed by all the things going on right now, and I really need your help clearing my head so I can get on top of it all.”
Wife: “Yes, Lord. Please help my husband have a peace about all he has