As St. John Paul II argued, the fact that Adam said of Eve, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Gen 2:23), dramatically shows that Eve — body, mind, and soul — was a being to whom Adam could relate completely. In Eve, Adam found a true helpmate, a partner who “got him” and whom he could “get” as well. At last! Someone made of the same essential biological, psychological, emotional, and spiritual stuff as himself! (Hip hip hooray!)
So, in the beginning, both men and women were given the ability to reason, emote, love, communicate, produce, set goals, nurture, and so on — all the qualities that made them a matched set of fully functioning and complete human persons. Likewise, both men and women were called to live out all of these qualities to the fullest. However, based on how God created their bodies, Adam and Eve had different styles of applying these qualities to everyday life. These complementary ways men and women live out all the qualities that make them human through the unique bodies God gave them are what we respectively call “masculinity” and “femininity.”
Complementarity: The “Genius” of Men and Women
Although God makes both men and women fully capable of doing many, if not all, of the same things as each other — and all the things that make them fully functioning, emotional, spiritual, psychological, and relational human beings — when men and women work together to bring their masculine and feminine gifts (what St. John Paul II referred to as men and women’s respective “genius”) to bear on a particular task, they do a better job of revealing the fullness of the particular quality and representing that virtue as it exists in God’s own heart.
For instance, God is fully nurturing to us, his children (cf. Lk 11:13), and he enables both men and women to be fully nurturing in their own ways through the unique body he gave each of us. God ordained a woman’s body to be able to nurse her young, to nourish them with her body like he nourishes us with his Body in the Eucharist. And he made mom’s body round and soft and cuddly to give baby a safe, comforting place to rest. But even though men cannot lactate (much as their wives might wish otherwise at 3 a.m.), God still requires them to be abundantly present and active in the lives of their children, just as God, our Father, is present and active in our lives. And dads have their own nurturing “genius.” For instance, because of their superior upper-body strength, dads can lift their children up over their heads and toss them gently in the air (and even catch them!), much to their little ones’ delight! Because men have scratchy faces/beards, they can put their cheeks under babies’ chins and on their tummies and — Bzzzzzzzrrrrrbbbbrrt — tickle them in ways moms can’t, making their children giggle with affectionate joy (“Do it again, Daddy!”).
God gave both men and women the ability — their respective “genius” — to be fully nurturing and loving (and every other quality), each in their own way; but he ordained the sexes to express this nurturance in equally valuable yet different and complementary ways, so that, taken together, their children could experience a more complete example of the nurturance that God exhibits in his own heart for all of us. As St. John Paul II taught us, men and women must prayerfully contemplate and emphasize their bodies’ unique capabilities to first understand true masculinity and femininity. Then, we must use our masculinity and femininity as the prism through which we express our full humanity. By doing this together, men and women reflect God’s image and likeness more perfectly. They create a deeper union with each other and with God — a union that shines out as a powerful witness to the world of God’s own glory.
False Differences: Mars vs. Venus
As you read above, the pre-fallen Adam and Eve fully exhibited all the qualities God gave them, although they tended to emphasize these qualities differently. But after the fall of humankind, masculine and feminine “emphases” stopped being that and became whole other languages that — because as Augustine put it, “Sin makes you stupid” (well, he said, “Sin darkens the intellect,” but same difference) — men and women couldn’t speak and didn’t understand.
After the Fall, men and women staked out separate domains defined by the borders of their comfort zones and forbade each other from ever crossing the line — as if either ever would want to. This tragic estrangement continued throughout history, worsening and worsening until men and women began to feel as if they were born on two completely different planets and spoke two completely different languages (Martian and Venusian, if you like).
But God never intended for masculinity and femininity to be different languages, much less different planets. Rather, he intended that they should be complementary expressions of a shared humanity. The true, godly differences between men and women are the ones that enable them to work better together because of those differences, not stare at each other in frustrated confusion. Through marriage, God gives husbands and wives the grace necessary to begin to restore the original unity experienced by our first parents. God does not give us an insufficient grace, allowing us to merely hook up at the Interplanetary High School Prom (“This Year’s Theme: Counting Stars!”). Instead, God gives husbands and wives all the grace they need to transcend false differences, to discover that they were really earthlings all along, and to speak one language again: a language of joyful, mutual love and generous service, a language spoken into being by the Father, exemplified by the Son, and inspired by the Holy Spirit.
Celebrating Complementarity: Overcoming the False Differences
God gives us men and women the unifying grace we need to overcome the Battle of the Sexes, but we must be willing to do the work that grace empowers us to do. Unfortunately, too many Christian husbands and wives do not have complementary roles; instead, they have compensatory roles that inhibit their growth, both as human persons and as Christians. For example, certain wives never learn to do or become A, B, or C, because, as they put it, “That’s what my husband is for.” Similarly, certain husbands never learn to do or become X, Y, or Z because “That’s what my wife is for.” What such individuals forget is that they are passing up the chance God gives them to become the people he created them to be: competent, fully formed human beings, eager to challenge the limitations original sin placed upon their bodies, minds, spirits, and relationships. Sanctification is not just about overcoming spiritual obstacles; it is about overcoming physical, emotional, and psychological ones as well. Are you taking advantage of the marital grace God gives you to become fully human? Or are you hiding behind the sad and alienating excuse, “That’s just not what women [or men] are supposed to be”?
Such a statement is a cop-out unworthy of our Christian dignity. Men must be men like Jesus Christ is a man. And women must be women like the Virgin Mary or the Proverbs 31 wife is a woman. Only then will Christian husbands and wives be able to experience the truth of complementarity and the fullness of marital grace.
If you are a Christian married person, God is giving you the grace to do the work. In order to understand the specific work you must do, consider the following.
Exercise: Winning the Battle of the Sexes
The true, godly differences between men and women should be a catalyst, not an obstacle, for healthy intimacy and partnership. The following questions can help you have a better sense of how God wants your and your mate’s masculinity and femininity to be a blessing to each other.
Step One: Embrace Your Masculinity or Femininity
Prayerfully contemplate your body. What can you do with your body that your spouse simply cannot do, or do as well, with his or hers? This is God’s definition of masculinity and femininity. Emphasize these things in your life.
Step Two: Embrace Your Humanity