But despite its health benefits and its effectiveness as a method of helping couples to both avoid and achieve pregnancy, NFP’s true benefits come from its constant encouragement for husbands and wives to continually talk and pray about their priorities and becoming or being parents. NFP couples must simply be more intentional — more mindful — about their sexual relationship, which facilitates greater closeness and intimacy. Couples who practice NFP constantly seek after God’s will for their lives in a way that is very difficult, if not impossible, for contracepting couples. They experience a sharing of one another and a level of communication that no contracepting couple ever could. So, even when a couple has a legitimate reason to hold off on becoming pregnant, having a more procreative view of sexuality facilitates the closer union of the husband and wife. In light of this deeper level of sharing facilitated by NFP, it is little wonder that a significant number of NFP couples report that NFP helps them experience a much more satisfying and stable marriage (VandeVusse, Hanson, and Fehring, 2004).
Celebrating Responsible Parenthood
Of course, the true joy of Catholic procreation (and this is the part you’ll never hear about in the media) is that it doesn’t stop at conception. When we Catholics say “yes” to the gift of a child, the Church reminds us that we must also be in a position to say “yes” to the forming of that child’s body, mind, and soul. Doing this requires the couple to work hard on the health and strength of their relationship with each other and with any children they may already have. The communication and partnership required by this effort is another way that a love that is open to life calls couples and families to experience deeper union with each other.
The Church refers to the process of forming persons as integral procreation. In other words, Catholics view procreation as a continuous process of ongoing formation that extends from the moment of conception to the time our children are returned to God. Procreation is the process of cooperating with God to form minds and souls, not just bodies. As St. John Paul II put it, “Fatherhood and motherhood represent a responsibility which is not simply physical but spiritual in nature” (Letter to Families; emphasis in original).
Indeed, Sirach 16:1-3 provides important support for the idea of responsible parenthood, reminding us that the blessing of children is intimately tied to our ability to raise them to love the Lord.
Do not yearn for worthless children,
or rejoice in wicked offspring.
Even if they be many, do not rejoice in them
if they do not have fear of the LORD.
Do not count on long life for them,
or have any hope for their future.
For one can be better than a thousand;
rather die childless than have impious children! (NABRE)
Because the formation of whole persons is so important, the Church teaches “responsible parenthood” (cf. Humanae Vitae, Familiaris Consortio, Letter to Families). That is, in discerning God’s will for the size of our families, we are obliged to consider the resources (or lack thereof) he has given us to provide for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of a child. The Church reminds us that in considering whether it is time to have a child, a husband and wife will
thoughtfully take into account both their own welfare and that of their children, those already born and those which the future may bring. For this accounting they need to reckon with both the material and the spiritual conditions of the times as well as of their state in life. Finally, they should consult the interests of the family group, of temporal society, and of the Church herself. The parents themselves and no one else should ultimately make this judgment in the sight of God. (Gaudium et Spes, n. 50)
Again, all of this requires a degree of constant prayer and communication that can’t help but strengthen the closeness a couple has with each other.
Celebrating the Selflessness of Creative Love
Even if couples decide that they aren’t able to have another child in the short or longer term, by respecting the procreative dimension of marital love they will continue to grow closer to each other because of their willingness to put each other first over even their own desires. How can they do this? Again, by practicing Natural Family Planning.
There are about a million ways we can use our sexuality to abuse ourselves and others, and married couples are not immune to this. Most commonly, we treat our sexuality as if it were a street drug we take to make us happy. Or we use it to inflate a pathetic self-image (“Hey! I can’t be all bad. I got some!”). This attitude hurts the unity we can have with our spouse because it turns our mate into a thing to be used (or a thing to be resented when he or she refuses to be used) instead of a person to be loved, cherished, and respected.
Any abuse of self or others decreases our ability to be happy either in marriage or with God in heaven. That’s why husbands and wives are encouraged by the Church to make use of periodic abstinence (the time — usually about a week or so each month, during the fertile phase of a woman’s cycle — when the couple will refrain from having sex, if they have determined that they have godly reasons to avoid pregnancy) as a spiritual exercise to help each other master, purify, and perfect their sexuality, so that they can love each other more honestly, more generously, and more respectfully. By the way, although the forms of this vary, periodic abstinence is not just a Catholic phenomenon. Hinduism, Buddhism, and several popular Eastern texts on spiritual sexuality all speak of the benefits of sexual abstinence in various forms. Virtually every major spiritual system on earth values some form of abstinence as a means of purifying both sexuality and the human person. Aristotle, who lived some four centuries before Christ, tells us: “The man who abstains from bodily pleasures and delights in this very fact is temperate, while the man who is annoyed at it is self-indulgent” (Nicomachean Ethics).
In over 20 years of marriage ministry and counseling, we have never met a couple who loves each other more because they drink too much, eat too much, play too much, sleep too much, or otherwise abuse themselves. Caving in to every whim of our bodies is one of the quickest ways to destroy both self-esteem and mutual respect. That’s why people who eat, drink, play, and sleep in moderation are happier and healthier than people who don’t do enough of those things, or do them too much. The same is true about sex. When couples are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to learn to put each other’s good before their own immediate pleasure, they dedicate themselves to cultivating the sacrificial attitude that lies at the heart of the Christian vision of love. They learn to trust each other on a deeper level, a level that says, “You can count on me to always put you and what’s good for our marriage first. I will never pressure you, guilt you, or manipulate you into doing something just because I feel like it.”
It isn’t always easy to live this kind of love. Sometimes it can be a real challenge. But from both personal experience and the witness of thousands of couples we’ve worked with over the years, we know it’s a challenge worth accepting. The couple that is willing to take up this challenge for the good of each other and their marriage fosters an incredible Christian union. Clearly, in the hands of someone who knows what he or she is doing, marriage is an awe-inspiring thing. It is one of the best tools we have for perfecting each other in love.
Get the Party Started
The last two chapters have explored the two major blessings God wants to gift your marriage with; an uncommon union and life-giving love. Celebrating these blessings throughout your life together will help you become the people God is calling you to be and help each of you prepare the other to participate in the Eternal Wedding Feast of Heaven. Additionally, celebrating these blessings will enable you to call the world to Christ through the uniquely close, intimate, grace-filled intimacy you and your spouse share.
We know, both from our personal and professional experience, that living out the call to Catholic marriage isn’t always easy, but it is amazing. In good times and bad, sickness and health,