• What tasks do you require your mate to do for you, simply because you lack practice or don’t like doing them?
• What qualities (e.g., emotionality, rationality, communicativeness, affection, etc.) do you lack in your life, or excuse yourself for not having because “That’s not how women [or men] are supposed to be”?
Step Three: Embrace the Unity of Man and Woman
The tasks, domestic responsibilities, and personal qualities you listed above are exactly the areas you must develop in your life in order to become the human being God created you to be, in order to have a marriage based on complementarity and sanctification, instead of simple compensation or spiritual enabling. To develop these aspects of yourself is to participate fully in the grace God gives you through the unitive end of marriage. Do you have the guts to become the new Adam and new Eve on your block? As a Christian married couple, you are being called by God to nothing less. Will you accept his call?
An Incredible Christian Union, Part Two: A Shared Mission
So far, we’ve been looking at ways you can celebrate an uncommon Christian union in your marriage by working to restore the original unity between the sexes. But there is a second way every married couple can create an even deeper union. Recall that earlier in this chapter we said that the source of Adam and Eve’s unity before the Fall was their mutual love for God and their shared desire to do his will. In addition to winning the Battle of the Sexes, you can achieve greater intimacy and unity with your spouse by cultivating a shared mission that reflects your desire for God’s will to shine out in your lives together.
The Secret of a Divorce-Proof Marriage
Marriage researchers have discovered that couples who create a shared vision for their lives enjoy much happier and stable marriages (Gottman, 2011). For the Christian, this means that there is really only one reason for marrying that guarantees the lifelong happiness and relevance of a marriage, only one reason that even comes close to addressing the true meaning of a Christian marriage. More than love and companionship, the real function of a Christian marriage is for a husband and wife to help each other become the people God created them to be in this life and help get each other to heaven in the next.
God didn’t go to all the trouble of instituting the Sacrament of Matrimony just so that you could have a guaranteed date for bowling night. The real dignity of your Christian marriage comes from promising to spend every single day of your lives discovering and fulfilling your identities in Christ. In other words, marriage is a partnership in actualizing your Christian destiny.
Scripture tells us that “whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s” (Rom 14:8). Through marriage, God gives each one of us a sacred trust: to prepare our mate to spend eternity in heaven with him or her. This is what that nice-sounding phrase exhorting husbands and wives to “be Christ to one another” means. In essence, God says to every person who marries in the Church, “I am choosing you to play a central role in your partner’s sanctification. Your spouse may not make it without you. Be sure that he or she makes it with you.” All people who are married in the Church have the right to expect that their mate will be their best hope — second only to the saving grace of Jesus Christ and their own free will — of helping them become everything they were created to be in this life and get to heaven in the next.
This responsibility should not come as a huge surprise to you; after all, sanctification is the chief work of any sacrament. When you marry in the Church, you are not simply saying, “We love each other,” or “We’re best friends,” or even “We’re really hot for each other.” Of course, all of these things should be true. But even more importantly, when you marry in the Church, you are acknowledging that from now until the day you die, God has made you responsible (second only to the saving work of Jesus Christ and your partner’s free will) to see that your husband or wife becomes the person God created him or her to be. And you are acknowledging that you sincerely believe you have a better chance, with each other than without, of becoming all God intends you both to be. As one Protestant minister’s wife said to us, “Jesus saved me, but my husband has everything to do with what shape I’m in when I get there.” Amen, sister.
In His Image
So, what did God create you to be? How do you know what your identity in Christ is? The answer lies in the Scripture passage that tells us we are created in God’s image and likeness. We might not be able to identify God in a lineup. We don’t know the color of his skin and hair, or his weight, or the size of his nose — but we do know what he looks like. We “see” God every day in his compassion, mercy, justice, truth, love, creativity, wisdom, and so on. Being created in God’s image means that each of us is called to reflect those aspects of him, those virtues (love, truth, wisdom, justice, compassion, etc.), which he encoded in our DNA at conception (metaphorically speaking). As C. S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity, “[God] lends us a little of his reasoning powers and that is how we think: He puts a little of His love into us and that is how we love one another.”
Wade in the Water: Our Baptismal Identity
Baptism is the foundation of our Christian identity. When we were baptized, God gave us some incredible gifts. In addition to washing our souls clean of original sin, he infused us with sanctifying grace; gave us the three theological virtues of faith, hope, and love; bestowed upon us the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit (wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord); granted us moral virtues (e.g., prudence, justice, temperance, fortitude); and empowered us to bear the twelve fruits of the Holy Spirit (charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, faithfulness, modesty, self-control, and chastity). To have an identity in Christ is to live out these freely given virtues and qualities in the unique way the circumstances of our lives demand. You know you have the seeds of an identity if you can say that, between now and the day you die, you’d like to be known for these particular virtues, qualities, ideals, and beliefs. You know the strength of your identity by how much your daily life reflects the active pursuit of those virtues, qualities, ideals, and beliefs. If someone made a reality show of your life (Real Housewives — and Husbands — of Vatican City!), would viewers be able to tell what you stood for just by watching the choices you make, the priorities you set, and the way you live?
The more our daily choices and behaviors reflect these God-given values, virtues, dreams, and goals, the more solid our Christian identity. While each one of us is individually responsible to God for living out this identity, it is the job of a sacramental marriage to support, nurture, and encourage us in this pursuit.
“Pretty words,” you may comment. “But why should I care?”
“You … Complete Me”
Practically speaking, being partners in fulfilling your Christian identities means that when your spouse asks for more from you, you are obliged to give it, so that you can respond to God’s invitation — written on your spouse’s heart — to grow in ways you never would on your own. You respond to this invitation not necessarily because your spouse always deserves such generosity (we so seldom deserve to be loved), but because you have a responsibility to God to demonstrate that generosity. You may not feel like doing more romantic things for your mate, but through these gestures you participate in God’s plan for letting your partner know how special she is to God. You may fear the vulnerability you feel in lovemaking, but that vulnerability is the very thing you and your partner must learn to enjoy if you want to become open to God’s eternal love. Whenever you hold back in your married life, you prevent God from loving your mate the way he wants to love him — the way your mate needs to be loved. Remember, God requires you to be Christ to your spouse. When was the last time Christ refused you a sign of his affection? When did he ever refuse to share the comfort of his precious body with you? You may not have deserved it, and God may or may not have felt like doing it, but, oddly, these