The preschool child should now be aware of your rules for acceptable behaviour and will already be following many of them without being reminded. However, children of this age are naturally enthusiastic and impetuous, diving into things without the pre-thought or consideration an older child might give. Even the ‘easiest’ and most cooperative child will sometimes surprise/shock a parent with a burst of unacceptable negative behaviour. The child’s world is opening up very quickly, and all manner of things are now possible for the child, which weren’t before, and this can be overwhelming. Your child will need to know more than ever that you are there to guide, advise and reassure, and that you love him or her unreservedly, regardless of how bad his or her behaviour is.
If your child is already off track and displaying very challenging and demanding behaviour, which leaves you frustrated, sad, angry and dreading the next day, see Chapter 6. Now let’s look at what we can reasonably expect of a child in the three-to-five age range with the average likes, dislikes, needs, demands and negative behaviour.
Nursery
Most children at this age will be starting nursery or preschool, and this will expand their world even further. Your child will socialise and interact with his or her peer group on a daily basis and within the structured environment of the nursery. There will be a different routine to the one your child has been familiar with at home, with different adults, in the form of teachers and assistants, standing in your place for a large part of the day. Not only will these adults look and smell different from you, but they will also act differently, and may have different expectations to yours (which your child is used to). Your child will be expected to follow these adults’ instructions and rules, as well as sharing and cooperating with his or her peer group.
Tom and Claire will need a lot of reassurance, explanation and praise at this time, both from you and the nursery staff, as they slowly integrate into this new and important setting – the next stage in their lives. Don’t underestimate the effect starting nursery or preschool can have on your child. Even a very confident and outward going child may suddenly present with fractious or bad behaviour. Be sensitive to the changes but do not let starting nursery become an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.
The morning routine
A good working routine is essential now your child is at nursery, as you will be expected to have your child there on time, washed, dressed and breakfasted, not rushing in late (and irritable) from having been dragged out of bed. Apart from allowing your household to run smoothly, routine gives your child security and reassurance, and reduces confrontation. If Tom knows he has to be up and dressed at a certain time every morning, or have his bath at 7.00 p.m. every evening, then he will be expecting it, and be less likely to put up resistance.
I am talking here not about a dogmatic and inflexible routine, such as that which some child-rearing gurus enforce on a child right from babyhood, but a sensible working routine that accommodates all family members and allows the household to run smoothly. Obviously always allow plenty of time in the morning for the things you have to do before you leave the house. Leaving in a last-minute dash will find you stressed, short on patience, and with frustration and confrontation setting in when Tom dawdles. The morning routine you develop now will continue with some modification when your child starts school.
Use the 3Rs to put your routine in place. For example: Tom has to get up and dressed in the morning ready for nursery, but getting ready at a set time can often cause a young child a problem. First, Request Tom to get dressed, having laid out the clothes he is to wear: ‘Tom, it’s time to get dressed now, ready for nursery.’ Say it positively, expecting Tom to do as asked (even if experience has taught you that that is unlikely). If Tom doesn’t do as you have asked within a reasonable time, then Repeat the Request: ‘Tom, get dressed now, please. We don’t want to be late for nursery. What would you like for breakfast?’ Adding this question or something similar – for example, ‘What would you like to do after nursery?’ – will give Tom something else to think about rather than not getting dressed.
If Tom still refuses, then Reassure and Reaffirm, with the offer of helping him dress. Although Tom can dress himself, children can and do regress at this age, and it is better to reduce your expectations a little and offer help, if it achieves what you want with cooperation. If there is still no cooperation from Tom, despite your offer to help him, or if Tom resists you, then remind him of the sanction for not complying with your Reasonable Request: ‘Tom, I want you to get dressed now, please. I don’t want to stop your television time’ (or whatever sanction you are using). If he still refuses, then say, ‘Tom, I’ve asked you three times to get dressed. You’ve lost ten minutes’ television time. Get dressed now; you don’t want to lose twenty minutes.’ Tom will soon realise that the longer he refuses to comply with your Request, the more of his treat (of television) will be lost. Obviously you must remember to impose the sanction, as not seeing it through will quickly undermine your authority and render this and future sanctions ineffective.
If, having had previous negative experiences, you foresee a problem – for example, Tom not getting up, refusing to have his bath or go to bed – then allow extra time for completing what you want Tom to do. Make sure the needs of any other siblings have been met before you see to Tom, so that you can concentrate on him, his routine and what he has to do, without interruption.
Regression
Although this is a very exciting time for your child, with so many possibilities and expectations it can also be a very frightening time. Apart from simply leaving toddlerhood behind at nursery and preschool, there may also be a new baby in the house. Often at this age a child will revert to less mature behaviour – whining, or asking for the return of a bottle, a pacifier or even a nappy, all of which were dispensed with some time before.
It is up to you how you deal with a minor and short-term regression. Do what you feel comfortable with, but be careful not to over-indulge the regressed behaviour, as it might become a habit that could be difficult to break. I don’t see a problem in letting a four- or five-year-old try a bottle again as long as it’s a fun activity, where you talk to your child about how sucking on the bottle feels, and how great it is that he or she no longer needs a bottle and can drink from a ‘grown-up’ cup and use a knife and fork. However, I would never indulge a child’s whining or tantrums as part of regressed behaviour, and I wouldn’t recommend putting a nappy on a child of this age (when they are dry) or returning a pacifier that is no longer needed.
If your child suddenly, genuinely and dramatically regresses in his or her development and behaviour on all levels, view it as a warning sign that something is wrong. If a child is very anxious about something, there is a comfort in returning to a ‘baby state’ where he or she had no responsibility and had all his or her needs met simply by crying. If there is no apparent reason for the regression, such as a new baby, then talk to your child and try to find out what is troubling him or her. Obviously give lots of reassurance, whatever the reason, and if the regression persists for months and impacts on the child’s life, seek medical advice.
I sometimes foster children of this age and older (seven, eight and nine) who regress on all levels when they first come into care. Often these children have never had a childhood, played or gone through the developmental milestones, because they had adult responsibilities and concerns thrust upon them. They have raised themselves and looked after the house, often because their parents were too drink and drug dependent to do the job, so there was never any time or opportunity for the child to be a child; often these children know how to cook and clean, make up babies’ bottles, wind babies and change nappies (from raising their younger siblings). It is so very sad, for they have no idea how to play.
When they come into care and are finally relieved of the huge and inappropriate burden they have carried all their lives, they can regress dramatically in the first few months. An eight-year-old