The importance of respect
We have seen some additions to the 3Rs – Reassure becomes Reaffirm when disciplining, and rules are put in place using the 3Rs technique. Respect is another important R, possibly the most important: both respect from your child to you and other family members, and the respect you show your child.
The reason you Request your child to do something rather than demand is out of the respect you have for your child. You wouldn’t demand something of another adult (unless you wanted a punch on the nose), and neither should you ever demand or command your child to do something. Always treat your child with the respect you would show another adult, and which you expect to be shown. Use an even, polite voice (it can still be firm) when addressing your child and be considerate of his or her feelings. The dictionary definition of respect is ‘a feeling of admiration for someone because of their qualities or achievements’, which sums it up nicely. Admire your child – he or she has already achieved an awful lot in a few short years – and always insist your child shows you the same admiration and respect, whether they are aged three or twenty-three.
If your child is disrespectful, either through words or through actions, then modify his or her behaviour using the 3Rs, Requesting: ‘Tom, don’t speak to me like that, please. How should you ask for something?’ And when Tom rephrases his request, praise him – ‘Good boy, that’s better.’ Don’t ignore small acts of disrespect, as left unchecked small acts will grow into bigger acts of disrespect, with the result that your authority, and therefore discipline, will be severely undermined.
You don’t need me to tell you what respect feels like: when treated in an admiring and polite manner we glow with an inner warmth. Conversely, disrespect, both from adults and children, stings and makes us feel worthless; if it is allowed to continue it grows like a canker, undermining our sense of self-worth and confidence. Politeness is a big part of respect: teaching your child to say please and thank you; not to snatch and grab; to request rather than demand; to be aware of and respond to others’ feelings and wishes; to cooperate and have patience – all help him or her become respectful.
There is a saying that ‘What goes around comes around’, and treating your child with respect will certainly reap its own rewards: he or she will copy your behaviour and treat you with the same respect. Children reflect the behaviour they see around them, positive and negative; they absorb it subconsciously like a sponge. If your dealings with your child are always respectful, then your child will be more likely to use this behaviour as his or her baseline, in attitude both to you and the family, and to others outside the home. I’m not saying there won’t be times when your child needs to be corrected for being disrespectful – of course there will be, at all ages, and particularly when external influences come in, in the form of nursery and the school playground. But the respect you show your child will become the accepted norm, and your child will model his or her attitude to others on how he or she has been treated by you.
So often when I see the children I foster with their natural parents, I see a complete absence of respect, not only from the children to their parents and vice versa, but also between the parents themselves, and from the parents towards other adults. It is so sad, and it makes working with these families and trying to rebuild relationships very difficult. No one listens to anyone, as each person focuses solely on their own needs, shouting orders, commands and insults, oblivious to each other.
If the situation has been like this for years, by the time the children are teenagers the ‘family’ is no more than a set of very selfish, self-centred and unhappy individuals who orbit and collide with each other in a chaos of demands and wants. It often comes as a revelation to the parents to learn that their child (or partner or other adult) has, and is entitled to, their own viewpoint and feelings, and that those feelings should be treated with respect.
Respect is crucial, both for a healthy family and for an individual to function successfully in society. It has been suggested that the lack of respect now seen in many children is responsible for the growing crime rate among minors. Respect can be achieved by using the 3Rs and summed up in the following:
* Don’t demand, but Request.
* Don’t shout, but speak in an even voice, repeating at the same level if necessary.
* Listen to what your child has to say and take their opinions seriously.
* Don’t interrupt or talk over your child when he or she is speaking, and don’t let them talk over or interrupt you.
* Teach good manners, politeness, tolerance, gentleness and cooperation in your child’s dealings with others.
* Talk to your child about other people’s feelings and about not hurting them.
* Empathise and be aware of your child’s point of view, just as your child should be aware of yours.
* Ask your child questions, and listen to his or her replies.
* Never smack your child or use any form of corporal punishment – it is humiliating for all concerned and sets a bad example.
* Never allow your child to verbally or physically assault another person.
* Don’t be afraid to discipline your child, imposing sanctions where necessary.
Last but not least, spend time with your child. Time is far more important than anything money can buy. It sends your child the clear message that he or she is worth your attention and that you find pleasure in their company. I sometimes wonder just how many children there are in loving and affluent homes who have everything they could want in material terms, but who are emotionally abused from lack of parental attention. When young, these children are ‘babysat’ by all manner of wonderful toys and gadgets, and when older they sit in their bedrooms, in front of the latest computer screen with their iPods plugged in, logged into internet chat rooms, desperately searching for the attention they are not receiving from their parents. Such neglect isn’t intentional, and more the by-product of a hectic lifestyle, but time spent with children, whatever their age, is so very important and should be top of every parent’s schedule.
It’s the behaviour that’s wrong
When disciplining your child for bad behaviour, always remember that it is the behaviour that is wrong, and not the child. Never say, ‘Tom, you are a naughty/bad/selfish/hurtful boy to do that.’ Tom will feel that he is, and is more likely to repeat the negative behaviour. Do say, ‘Tom, that was a naughty/bad/selfish/hurtful thing to do.’ Then add some explanation as to why the behaviour was wrong, setting it in a general context. ‘Tom, it was naughty to pull Claire’s hair because it hurts. Don’t do it again, please. Good boy.’ Or ‘Claire, it’s wrong to snatch Tom’s sweets. Ask him nicely if you can have one. Good girl.’ This separates the child’s bad behaviour from the child, who is intrinsically good and wants to do the right thing. No child is inherently bad, and all children want to do what is right, although it may not always seem like it at the time.
Don’t assume the child knows why the behaviour was wrong or what is correct behaviour. Add a simple statement of why the act was wrong – ‘Because it hurts’ – and what is correct – ‘Ask Tom if you can have one of his sweets.’ And always add the praise – ‘Good boy/girl’, as praise creates the positive assumption that the child deserves it, and will not be repeating the negative behaviour in the future.
When I foster children who have come from highly dysfunctional families where there were no rules and no respect, I have to go back to basics, whatever the child’s age, and teach them what behaviour is acceptable and what is not. Initially, if the child is completely out of control, I have to put in place the basic rules of no hitting, biting, kicking, etc. very quickly, using the 3Rs. When the child has calmed down a little, having been reassured that I have his or her behaviour under control, he or she becomes more receptive, and will often ask why he shouldn’t do something. The child isn’t being cheeky or insolent; he or she genuinely doesn’t know. Children who have been raised in functioning and loving families with clear boundaries will have been brought up with guidelines for acceptable behaviour and by the time they start school will know what is