* It is reasonable for Tom to sit at the table and eat nicely.
* It is reasonable for Tom to use an overall when painting so that his clothes don’t get spoiled.
* It is reasonable for Claire to have her hair washed, although she doesn’t like it.
* It is not reasonable to switch off the television in the middle of Claire’s favourite programme (which she always watches) to have her hair washed because that is what you have decided. Insisting on this because it suits you is an unnecessary and unhealthy form of control.
* It is not reasonable for Tom never to be allowed to paint because of the mess he will make. Tom needs to play (and make a mess), and he can be taught to help clear up.
Control isn’t only about you, the parent, steering your child to good and acceptable behaviour: it is also about the child’s right of control. Children of all ages need some control over their lives in order to grow into healthy responsible adults. If children are never allowed to make their own decisions (and mistakes), they will have nothing on which to base teenage or adult decision making. The child will feel that he or she has no right to an opinion, no voice and therefore little or no control over their life. This leaves them very vulnerable and at the mercy of anyone who wants to dominate or use them; it is exactly this type of child (and adult) who is taken advantage of, or even abused. Parents who are over-controlling tend to produce either introverted and excruciatingly shy children, or those who fly in the face of convention and the law, often into their late teens and early twenties.
Alternatively, a child who has been given no control, and therefore no moral code to guide them when decision making, can rebel as a teenager and become out of control – and thus a danger to themselves and others.
Control is therefore about balance, with the parent exerting enough control to socialise the child, but not so much as to obliterate individuality, spontaneity or character. Encourage appropriate control in children through their decision making, allowing freedom of choice where appropriate. If you decide something isn’t appropriate, then explain why and see through your reasonable decision, using the 3Rs.
Reasonable Requests and decisions equals reasonable control for you and the child. But what decisions can a child reasonably be expected to make? Here are some examples:
* It is reasonable for Tom and Claire to decide (with guidance) which clothes to wear, as long as it is appropriate – not shorts and T-shirt in winter, or pyjamas to school.
* It is reasonable for Tom and Claire to decide which toys to play with, and if they want tomato sauce on their dinner.
On the other hand, it is reasonable for you to decide:
* their bedtimes
* what time they get up in the morning in order to arrive at nursery or school on time
* how much television they watch and which programmes are suitable.
Likewise you make the decision not to allow Tom or Claire to:
* use matches (when young)
* ride their bikes in the road (until it is age appropriate and they can navigate the traffic)
* tie up and blindfold their younger sibling, as the game will frighten him/her
* kick the football into the flower beds
* shout, scream, swear, kick or in any way hurt other people.
Control is shared, with the child gradually taking more control as they grow and acquire the skills for making sensible decisions. When exerting control, always explain the reason for your decision (and therefore the reason for your control) and then see it through, using the 3Rs as necessary.
If, on reflection, you feel your Request or decision was not reasonable, then reappraise and adjust. Children will often point out unfairness when a parent has got it wrong. In the case of Tom being told to stop banging his drum because it was getting on mum’s nerves, he might say something like, ‘Can’t you cover your ears/go in another room if you don’t like it?’ Here is an opportunity for you to reappraise your Request. Was it reasonable? If it was, explain why and see it through, using the 3Rs. If on reflection you think your request wasn’t reasonable, then offer an alternative – ‘I tell you what, Tom, as I need to be in this room, you take the drum into the front room.’ Your request is now reasonable and Tom needs to comply.
Should you use the naughty chair?
For anyone who is not familiar with this, the naughty chair/step/spot/corner is a designated area where the child is made to sit alone for a set period of time (usually one minute for each year of the child’s age), until he or she is ready to rejoin the family or group and behave. Many parents, carers, childminders and nursery schools use the naughty chair, and find it works very well. It allows the child to take time out to calm down and reflect on his or her bad behaviour. It also reinforces in the child’s mind that he or she has been naughty and their behaviour was unacceptable.
If you are already using the naughty chair method for disciplining your child and it is working, that is fine; continue modifying your child’s unacceptable behaviour in this way. As with all child-rearing advice, do what you feel comfortable with and what works for you and your child. But don’t feel the method is an essential tool for managing your child’s behaviour.
If you are not already using the naughty spot, or feel uncomfortable about using it, then please consider my reasons for not using it:
* Repeatedly having to return a child to the naughty spot if he or she gets off it can turn into confrontation and an issue in itself.
* It has the uncomfortable ring of the Victorian classroom, where a child was singled out and humiliated by being made to stand in a corner or on a chair in front of their class as a punishment.
* It is demeaning for the child to be singled out in a negative way, particularly in front of his or her siblings or peers.
* It draws attention to negative behaviour, and can also easily be viewed by the child as a game, where the child jumps off the spot when mum’s back is turned.
* Having to return the child repeatedly to the naughty spot is another stress for a parent who is already overwrought from having to deal with their child’s bad behaviour. If the child is in the frame of mind to complete the Request to go to the naughty spot first time, and stay there until the time is up, then he or she is unlikely to need this form of discipline in the first place, as the child is already obeying his parent.
Instead of the naughty spot, I use the 3Rs technique, rewarding all good behaviour and applying a sanction if the child persists in the bad behaviour. More on sanctions and rewards follows later.
Don’t use the third person
I have never understood why many parents, teachers, nursery staff and adults tend to refer to themselves in the third person when talking to a child – ‘You know Mummy loves you’, ‘Daddy told you not to go in the shed’, ‘Mrs Smith asked you to clear up after art.’ I can’t think of any other situation where we do this except when an adult talks to a child, and I find it most odd.
You wouldn’t go into a hairdresser’s and say about yourself, ‘Mary would like a haircut, please.’ Or go to the bank and say, ‘Dave would like to talk to the manager about a loan.’ Of course you wouldn’t. It would sound ludicrous, and you would never address another adult in this way. Yet many of us do it with our children.
How or why this habit has developed, I’ve no idea and I haven’t been able to find out. But it is a very unhelpful way for an adult, particularly a parent, to talk to a child, for one very good reason: it has the effect of distancing the Request or statement from the adult, which means the child is less likely to respond to it. The nature of the third person is distance: it is not about me (I) but that person over there. The