Simply telling a child from this type of background that biting hurts and that we don’t like it being done to us, so we don’t do it to others, is often news to the child. But no matter how dreadful the child’s behaviour is when they first arrive (and I’ve seen some pretty awful behaviour), I know that beneath all the anger, swearing and aggression is a loving, gentle child who desperately wants to do the right thing so that they can fit in and be loved.
The length of time it takes to socialise the child and modify his unacceptable behaviour depends on how violent and abusive their family background is, and the age of the child when he or she comes into care. The longer he or she has been in a dysfunctional environment, the longer it takes. But even a teenager can be turned around with clear consistent boundaries, rewards and sanctions, using the 3Rs. They eventually come to see that it is not they, the person, who is bad, but the way they behave, which is a product of their experience, and which they have control over and can change.
Time out
Although I’m no advocate of the naughty chair/step/spot, I do use time out, with children of all ages, to give everyone a cooling-down period and a chance to reflect. Walking away from an explosive situation is fine for an adult with inbuilt self-control, as is taking a deep breath and counting to ten, or any other self-regulating mechanism for regaining control, but these techniques don’t work for many children. Even the most well-behaved child will sometimes flare up, as will their parents and siblings, and putting a bit of space and time into the situation can defuse it.
I use time out not as a punishment but as a positive acknowledgement that everyone involved needs time to calm down and reflect on their behaviour. I call it quiet time, and use the 3Rs to implement it.
Tom is out of control, shouting and flailing his arms; he is very angry with you and not open to reason. Go to him, hold or touch his arm and make eye contact. Request firmly (and loudly enough for him to hear over his shouting), ‘Tom, I think we need some quiet time. Go to the lounge [or any free room you choose] and calm down.’ If Tom doesn’t do as you have asked, Repeat your Request more firmly, adding the warning of a sanction if he doesn’t comply – ‘Tom, go to the lounge for some quiet time, now, please. You don’t want to lose television time tonight.’ Tom doesn’t want to lose television time and will very likely do as you have asked, maybe stomping off as he goes (ignore it), or yelling that he hates you (ignore that too: he doesn’t hate you, he’s just angry). The important thing is he’s taking quiet time.
If Tom refuses to leave the room for quiet time after you have Requested, Repeated and Reaffirmed with the warning of a sanction, then leave the room, and take the quiet time yourself, telling him what you are doing. Don’t flounce off in a fury but say firmly and evenly, ‘Tom, I think we need some quiet time. I’m going into the lounge for five minutes. I’ll come out when we are both calmer.’ Obviously you wouldn’t leave a young child alone in the kitchen with pans boiling on the stove, or anywhere else unsafe, but removing yourself from the child has a two-fold effect: it takes you away from the heated situation, giving you time and space, and it also enforces quiet time on the child, allowing him time to calm down and reflect on his behaviour. And if you have imposed a sanction, don’t forget to see it through.
All adults need to walk away from explosive situations sometimes, and we often already practise quiet time without realising it. At work a woman might go to the ladies washroom for a cooling-off period to avoid saying something she might later regret to her boss or colleague. At home a man may go into the garage to ‘tinker’ with the car, or to his son’s PlayStation in another room. Quiet time is a useful and effective strategy for all ages, and our instinctive need to get away can allow a useful cooling-off period while we calm down and reflect.
Quiet time for your child should be long enough to give you and your child time to calm down, but not so long that the child feels isolated. One minute for each year of the child’s age is a good guideline, so that a five-year-old would have five minutes of quiet time. Don’t leave your child alone any longer, as it can be counterproductive, making your child feel excluded and therefore hostile; and don’t shut your child in a room. If a child slams the door of the room shut as he or she goes in, then open it straight away, but don’t go in during quiet time. If a teenager slams shut their bedroom door, then leave it shut until the end of quiet time, as they are telling you that they want and need their privacy while they calm down. But don’t leave a teenager alone after an incident for any longer than fifteen minutes (although it might be tempting). Too much time alone will create feelings of rejection and negativity, with the potential for resentment to build up.
Once the child or young person has taken quiet time and is calm, talk to him or her about what happened, but don’t have a lengthy debate; then hug and make up. If the child or young person isn’t ready to make up, and you meet more anger and verbal abuse, come out of the room without saying anything further, and try again five minutes later. And again five minutes after that if necessary. I have never had to repeat this more than three times before the child has softened and is ready to make up.
If the child or young person is calm and you have made up, but they want to stay in the room where they have taken quiet time for a while longer, that is all right, but don’t leave them there indefinitely. After ten minutes or so encourage them to rejoin the family and, if they refuse, try again ten minutes later, and again if necessary. You might ask an older child or teenager to help you do something, so as to entice them from the room. A younger child can be persuaded from the room by the suggestion of an activity, for example painting or a jigsaw, which they do in the same room as you. However, don’t be over-enthusiastic with the activity, or your attention, immediately after the quiet time; otherwise it could be seen by the child as rewarding the negative behaviour that led to quiet time being necessary. You have hugged and made up, so just being physically near the child and talking normally again is sufficient; but obviously if the child seeks reassurance give it.
Restraining
If your child is so out of control that he or she is a danger to him- or herself, or others, or property, then you might need to restrain your child. With a small child, simply picking them up and holding them securely, making sure they can’t hurt themselves or you, is sufficient until they have calmed down. With an older, bigger child, sit them on the floor, facing away from you so that they can’t kick, thump or bite you, and hold them close until they have calmed down.
Restraining a child is a last resort and is used only when the child is in real danger of hurting themselves or others. It is not a ‘pin down’ but an extended hug, where the child feels safely protected from his or her anger. If you have any doubts about restraining a child who is completely out of control, don’t. And if your child is often in a state where he or she is a danger to him or herself, or to others, then seek professional advice.
Play and being playful
Play is essential for children of all ages. Through play, children learn and develop as successful individuals, and also as members of society. Play with your child, enjoy his or her company and interact with your child through talk and play. Working alongside your child, in play or doing small jobs together (which is a type of play), builds comradeship, cooperation and respect, resulting in fewer challenges to you and your authority.
Play is an excellent medium for swapping little details of your lives, showing your personality and building the bond between you. You don’t have to make great revelations about yourself: just talk about small preferences or make observations. You might say, ‘I love that colour red in the flower puzzle. It’s the same shade as your T-shirt.’ You have shared a little piece of you – a small like – and your child will respond, revealing a little bit about him or herself – ‘I like it too, Mummy,’ or ‘I like that blue better.’ Sharing little details about ourselves is what successful relationships are built on; it is how children and adults get to know each other and sustain lasting relationships.
Encourage siblings to play