Let’s take a closer look at how the 3Rs technique works in practice, using the example of the toddler who won’t get into its pushchair in the supermarket. This example is a good working model for all other behaviour where a toddler won’t do as requested.
First you Request the child to get into its pushchair, giving the reason – ‘Claire, get into your pushchair now, love. We need to go through the checkout.’ You say it kindly but firmly, and in an even voice. This is the voice of the parent who is in charge, and the voice that the child will be learning comes with a reasonable request. If your child refuses, you Repeat the Request more firmly – ‘Get into the pushchair now, please. We need to go through the checkout.’ If there is still no cooperation, then you Reaffirm by telling your child what you are going to do, i.e. what will happen if the child doesn’t do as you have asked, which in this case will be to put Claire into the pushchair.
You should always warn the child what you are going to do – i.e. what the consequences of their non-cooperation will be. This gives the child another opportunity to do as you have Requested (the final opportunity); also, when you see through your Request with physical action, it won’t startle or frighten the child. Suddenly picking up a fractious child and strapping him or her into the pushchair is likely to make them even more resistant (and fractious).
But don’t get into a debate about the whys and wherefores of what you have asked your child to do. Children of all ages can be very good at debating when they don’t want to comply, and a lengthy and heated discussion will only make you more frustrated and challenge your Request and authority. You can discuss the pros and cons of why you needed the child’s cooperation later, when the child has done as asked and is more open to reason. For now you have reasonably Requested your child to do something, giving the reason, and Repeated the request, and the child must do as he or she has been asked. You are the parent and you are in charge.
Do not back down. This is important: otherwise your Request will sound hollow next time. However, you can modify your Request if you think it is appropriate. For example, ‘Get into the pushchair now, Claire, and you can walk when we are out of the supermarket.’
So the final Request is made and the consequences for the child, if she doesn’t comply, stated – ‘Claire, get into your pushchair, now please. Otherwise I will have to put you in.’ You can now offer a reassuring and guiding hand, directing Claire into the pushchair. But if Claire is still refusing, then you gently but firmly lift her into the pushchair and fasten the safety harness. ‘Well done, Claire. You stay there.’
If you and Claire have had similar experiences before while shopping and you employed the 3Rs technique and saw through your Request, then there is less likelihood that Claire will make a scene – she will do as you have asked. Whatever the situation, each time you use the 3Rs the result will be achieved more quickly. The child learns that he or she might as well cooperate and receive your praise, as protest is pointless because he or she will be doing what you have asked anyway.
When the child does as you have asked, praise him or her; positive encouragement is essential for implementing and maintaining good behaviour. But don’t go over the top, particularly if the child has resisted – ‘Good girl’ or ‘Well done’ is sufficient.
Tantrums
If the child isn’t used to cooperating and you are now having to modify his or her behaviour, or if the child has decided that he or she is going to test the boundaries, be prepared for a scene. Tantrums are natural for this age group, and any parent who claims their child has never had a tantrum is lying. Don’t back down, no matter how bad the tantrum; see through your Request. It will be far easier next time – clear and consistent boundaries are crucial for developing good behaviour.
I know it’s embarrassing having a child screaming and shouting in a public place. Everyone looks at you with disapprobation; even other mothers take on a holier-than-thou expression, as though their little darlings would never be so wilful. Ignore them, or smile sweetly (through clenched teeth if necessary). You are in charge of your child, you are doing what is best for him or her and ultimately it’s nothing to do with the onlookers. I was once in a shop when an exasperated mother, struggling with her wilful child at the checkout, turned to the woman behind and hissed, ‘And what the hell are you looking at?’ Not very polite, but I could sympathise; every mother has felt like that at some time.
Regardless of how loud your child is yelling, or how much you wish the ground would open up and swallow you, it is essential you do not give in to the tantrum. By all means talk calmly to the child – communication is always important – and Repeat, Reassure and Reaffirm what you have asked for – ‘Claire, you are staying in the pushchair until we have left the supermarket.’
If Claire breaks free of the pushchair, then pick her up and put her in again. Reassure and Reaffirm – ‘You are staying in the pushchair until we leave the supermarket’ – for as many times as is needed and until you have left the supermarket. I know it’s hard work, but if the ground rules are put in place now it becomes a lot, lot easier when the child is older.
Rewards
You can add a reward for later, but don’t bribe: it weakens your position. Never say, ‘If you’re good, I’ll buy you some sweets,’ because I guarantee that the next time you go shopping the child’s behaviour will be even worse. Children are not daft, and if a tantrum brings sweets then a tantrum he or she will have. I have fostered children who have actually said, ‘If you don’t buy me that I’ll scream.’ Such blackmail is inappropriate control, and had I given in it would have been an open invitation for the child to behave the same way next time, probably upping the stakes with a bigger demand. What you can say, by way of a reward is, ‘Claire, you are staying in the pushchair until we leave the supermarket, and then we could go to the park.’ But only if going to the park fits in with your plans and you can keep your promise.
If you offer a reward or incentive for completing some good behaviour, then make sure you give the reward. A broken promise or unkept incentive is worse than no reward at all. Not only will the child begin to distrust what you say, so that any further offer of an incentive will be met with scepticism and doubt (and make the incentive worthless), but the child will see the unfairness in the broken promise. Children of all ages base much of their moral code on fairness, and will often take any unfairness very personally, more so than adults.
I often foster older children with serious behavioural difficulties or ‘challenging behaviour’, as it’s sometimes euphemistically called. With these children comes years of unruly, demanding and anti-social behaviour that has to be unlearned before there is any improvement. I am guaranteed full-scale tantrums in public places in the early days when the child doesn’t get everything he or she wants. And if you thought a two-year-old had a good set of lungs, you want to hear a nine-year-old in full flight! Assured of getting his or her own way from years of learned negative behaviour, the child lies in the middle of the supermarket aisle and screams insults and abuse, while thrashing his or her limbs for full effect. It’s a show-stopper, believe me. I have to remain calm and wait for it to pass, talking to the child, Reassuring and Reaffirming when they pause for breath. The 3Rs works whatever the child’s age, although it can take longer to change negative behaviour permanently with the older child where the behaviour has become ingrained.
One foster carer I know employed a different strategy when the child she was looking