‘Are you still dating the stripper? I mean, again?’
‘Yes, I am dating Olly again and please call him Olly.’
‘How’s it going?’
‘Yesterday it was great. Today not so much. Ask me again tomorrow.’
‘OK.’
Silence.
‘It can’t be any worse than that guy who asked you what older birds had to offer over younger ones.’
‘No, it can’t. Thanks for reminding me.’
‘Any time.’
Silence.
‘So, Mum, what do older birds have to offer over younger ones?’
‘Stop it.’
Evidence: When using the internet to meet people, one must learn to ignore half the stupid crap people feel more free to say than they would to your face.
‘Oh, also, can we come to salsa with you tonight?’
She laughs.
‘No, I actually mean it.’
posted by EditingEmma 19.57
At salsa. It’s the break and Steph and Mum are queuing for the loos. I’m trying to at least pretend like I’m having fun, because I’ve been so crap over the past couple of months and Steph and Mum seem to be having a freakishly good time. But I will never be doing this again. Ever.
Why You Should Never, Ever Go to Salsa with Your Mum:
| 1) | You stand in lines, with men on one side and women on the other, and go round in a rotation. There aren’t enough men and so half the time you have to put your arms up and pretend to dance with an invisible person. |
| 2) | The rotation also means you have no control over who you dance with. You have to dance with everyone. There’s one really smelly man and I had to hold my breath for the whole minute that we were partnered. There’s this other man who trod on me A LOT (definitely his fault) and then when the music stopped said pityingly, ‘Don’t worry, it’s your first time.’ And another man who put his face way too close and got really into wiggling his hips against mine but didn’t move in any way that resembled the actual steps. |
| 3) | You are prey to watchful women who have come with the aforementioned men. There’s this one extremely hostile lady who keeps looking over with narrowed eyes at whoever is dancing with her fiancé. I wish she knew how truly, deeply I’d rather not be dancing with him. |
| 4) | You realise that you are so terrible at dancing, even your mum is better than you. |
Oh joy. The break is almost over and it’s my turn to dance with the smelly man again.
Add another reason to the list:
| 5) | You might come face to face with your mum’s strange taste in men. |
Back home now, thank God, but after class me, Mum and Steph sat down.
‘Are you looking forward to Gracie’s brother’s party?’ Mum asked.
‘I’m looking forward to having her stop talking about it,’ I replied.
‘OK, so don’t look now,’ Mum muttered, ‘but my ex-boyfriend was in the class.’
I thought back through the less than desirable bunch of men we had just danced with.
‘Which one?’
‘The dark-haired, dark-skinned one.’
‘The wiggly one?’
‘Yes, him.’
‘Oh, God, Mum… Why?’
‘What?! He’s a good-looking man.’
‘If you can see past the creepiness.’
‘Well, for me it was more seeing past the good looks.’
‘Did you meet him here?’ Steph asked.
‘Yes,’ Mum sighs, ‘this was a long time ago. Before I’d even tried internet dating or anything like that.’
Evidence: Most people use the internet merely to repeat the mistakes they make in the real world.
posted by EditingEmma 11.01
The Day of ‘The Big Party’
Gracie has already rung twice asking me about what to do with her hair. My answer both times was, ‘I don’t know’ i.e. ‘I don’t care, you have a mind of your own.’
posted by EditingEmma 12.04
‘What about my flower clip?’
(What flower clip?)
‘Yes, definitely.’
It’s going to be a long day…
posted by EditingEmma 17.29
At Gracie’s House
Getting ready. It’s just me, Steph and Gracie. Faith said she couldn’t come because she ‘didn’t want to blow off her family friends’. (I definitely think there is a line between being nice, and too nice.) We are all crammed into one mirror. Gracie keeps elbowing me in the face. She’s so eager for tonight.
‘And Andy’s friend Jonno is so good-looking…’
‘Is he the one with the really small head?’ I say.
Gracie’s lips tighten and she goes all pink. ‘No, I don’t think so.’
‘I think he is.’
‘I don’t know who you mean, but it’s not him.’
‘Yeah, yeah! It is!’ says Steph, laughing.
Gracie is incredibly pink by now.
‘None of my brother’s friends have a small head.’
‘None of them? Does he have some sort of head-size screening process?’
‘They’re all really attractive.’
‘So now you can’t be attractive unless you have a large head?’ says Steph.
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