UNDER THE CHIN
The shower curtain requires cleaning again and your person is too busy blow-drying her hair to be bothered. Licking it spotless falls to you, and that’s a big job. Use the water that collects in the fur under your chin as a moisturizer. You’ll look so good leaving the bathroom no one will ever guess how much work you did.
SHOULDERS
Don’t be tempted to stand idly watching your person try to find her keys before she leaves the house. It’s an entertaining way to spend ten minutes, but not really the best use of your time. Here’s a time-saving tip: The moment she starts to wave goodbye, take a serious interest in your shoulders. After all, the show’s pretty much over and there’s no point in just standing there.
FACE
As you’re getting comfortable for the ride to Planet Naptune, squeeze in a quick scrub of your pretty face. You’ll be a more attractive snoozer and also discover that the dream flying saucer goes even faster with slick whiskers.
BOTTOM
When your person returns home you’re expected to sit down and listen to her day. It’s just as easy to feign paying attention while cleaning your bottom.
By the eighteenth century cats were safely ensconced inside homes, but they were having trouble getting any real attention. Humans were so busy running around maintaining empires, inventing steam engines and posing for ridiculously detailed oil portraits that they had little space in their schedules for cuddle sessions. On the off chance a human happened to be lying around the house, it was because he was too woozy from copious medicinal leechings to be out making history, let alone paying attention to cat antics.
However, it just so happened that these blood-deprived humans also had a habit of passing out and knocking over kerosene lamps. While cats were annoyed at having to constantly lick them awake and guide them to safety through walls of flame, it was because of these heroics that humans finally stopped taking cats for granted.
Even with this victory, the situation failed to substantially improve. Cats were getting attention, but it was decidedly subpar. They bristled at the occasional ham-fisted pat the man of the house dished out, or wriggled frantically against strangleholds the children inflicted.
Cats everywhere grew increasingly dissatisfied with the frequency and quality of attention received, and soon fervent but anonymously penned pamphlets began to circulate. The most heralded tract was ‘A Petition for Proper Petting’.
A groundswell of popular support for these notions gained steam. Our Forefather Felines knew that to make cohabitation work they must firmly establish the fundamentals governing affection, and thus a group of respected elders was convened. Known as the Angora Assembly, this distinguished delegation included cats who went on to become some of our most famous political figures, such as notorious yowler Parliamentary Puss and vain yet just House Cat of Lords.
After much debate on human hand technique, an initial draft of the Laws of Petting was drawn up.
However, dissenting member Pussy Willow, a foul-tempered Siamese, argued that this historic document must not merely illustrate the manner in which we shall be petted but should likewise establish a cat’s basic rights to be petted when, where and for however long she wants.
After a great deal of hissing and quick smacks to one another’s heads, these leaders finally came to agreement, and so ratified the Laws of Petting.
To this day these Laws protect and govern our right to be petted in such manner and at such times as we require and demand.
PREAMBLE TO THE LAWS OF PETTING
We pussycats hereby decree that in order to maintain tranquillity and harmony in the relations betwixt cat and human, it is resolved and ordained that cats shall be accorded these basic rights when being stroked, scratched or snuggled.
Article I: When ye shall walk within reaching distance of a human, said human is commanded to pet even if she clutch a grocery bag or race to extinguish a fire in the chip pan. Should ye be occupying a stair in the middle of the staircase, ye must at minimum be accorded a quick skritch before being stepped over. Upon a head-butt or figure of eight through a human’s legs, ye shall be petted in many varieties until ye be satisfied or become distracted by a thimble or an object of similar interest.
Article II: Scratches behind the ears and neck shall at all times be dictated by random turns of thy head, and the human’s hand shall migrate accordingly.
Article III: If thy belly be exposed, thy belly must be rubbed, except should ye be violently averse to having thy belly rubbed and take a swipe at the human, then thy belly should most definitely be left alone.
Article IV: Aye, shall ye be scratched right in that sweet spot by the tail!
Article V: Shall ye rest upon a lap, ye must be provided with a bounty of strokes and scratches, which shall include, without limitation, thy ears and face, back and tail, and for a time that ye shall determine. Nay, no potboiler, nor loom, nor cross-stitch sampler shall come in the way of a cat’s rights in these regards.
Article VI: Ye shall indicate petting is complete by wandering hither or jumping forth from a lap. However, shall ye take a bite of the hand, a swipe at the arm or a full-on madeyed lunge at the human’s face, this, too, shall indicate that all further petting activities must cease. Ye shall not be punished, and the human should very well know what she did wrong.
The ratification of the assembly of these cats, whose exact number is not determined as they oft wandered in and out of the Hall, shall be sufficient for the establishment of these Laws between humans and cats so ratifying the same.
Though no humans were invited to the Assembly, these Laws they are duly bound to uphold.
Later these Laws were amended, and the subjects of these amendments highlight the impassioned debates that came with great changes in our society throughout history.
1st Amendment: Belly rubs may not be used as a sneaky ploy to clip tummy dreadlocks.
2nd Amendment: Cat brushes may hereby be used in place of hands so long as we be allowed to chase and consume the chunks of fur that may float into the air.
3rd Amendment: Grooming gloves are terrifying and are hereby prohibited.
4th Amendment: All female humans shall hereby have those amazing new scratchy things called acrylic nails applied and they shall pretend these nails are racing cars on our backs.
5th Amendment: After having finally tried one, we hereby repeal the 3rd Amendment.
6th Amendment: The rights accorded in Article V are hereby declared extended so that these, too, shall not infringe on a cat’s rights described therein: Heat magazine, microwave timer, reality-programme final, phone call from ex-boyfriend or online game of Scrabble.
Cats aren’t shy about risking life and limb in pursuit of thrills. One day it’s a blink-of-an-eye stunt, taking you from the couch to the coffee table, off a chair and onto a wheeled footrest