Unlike such creatures, cats are far above begging. After all, it is highly undignified behaviour that not only makes the beggar look weak and needy but demeans its entire species.
Cats prefer the direct approach when it comes to getting a fair share – by being yowling, insufferable pests, or just hopping up and helping ourselves. However, these gambits come with consequences. Brazenly taking a bite of your person’s Lean Cuisine entrée or coming at it from all sides while screaming your head off has certainly got you thrown out of a room more than once.
So how do you easily get the food that’s not freely offered but is owed you nonetheless? The answer is swiping. It will help you get your paws on a wide array of tasty treats with no grovelling, and no prints left behind.
Swiping is an art borne of opportunity, and truly effective swiping requires a quick wit combined with steely patience, self-control and your natural gifts of creeping and sneaking. Resisting the instinct to pounce on anything even remotely worth eating is as difficult as it sounds. Expert swipers train for years, but their hard work is rewarded. Those at the top of the craft are able to supplement their everyday caloric intake by as much as 75 per cent through swiping alone!
To get started, here are three basic swipes you can employ:
The Up ‘n’ Down: If party preparations are afoot or a holiday meal is being whipped up, there are definitely delectable items resting upon counter tops and other elevated places. Settle in the general vicinity of the best smell and cloak yourself with an air of relaxed innocence. Appear as though you are no threat whatsoever to the scrumptious, hovering foodstuffs. As the day becomes more chaotic, the attendant humans will forget you’re even there. The second you notice the area is clear, make a beeline for the grub zone.
Once under your target area, employ the Up ‘n’ Down swipe – reaching up and pulling down whatever you can touch. A paw isn’t a particularly effective periscope, so your swipe selection will rely on the paw pads’ deliciousness sensors and overall sheer luck. On coffee tables and serving trolleys, keep a feel out for spongy chunks of Gouda and greasy slices of yummy salami. If you’re in the kitchen and your paw feels something that’s big, sticky and damp, hook your claws in and yank. You might wind up with a baked ham all to yourself!
Once you score, quickly scram to a safe, rarely trafficked location to evaluate your booty.
Since this is a sight-impaired manoeuvre, the Up ‘n’ Down will occasionally yield nothing more than a gherkin or a wine cork. If you don’t have adequate cover to make a follow-up swipe, at least you can have a good time batting one of these around the house for a while.
The Down ‘n’ Up: Performed when positioned above food, the Down ‘n’ Up swipe involves gingerly reaching down and drawing a morsel up to you. This swipe is best accomplished when invisible.
When your person is eating a meal on the sofa, slip behind her and slowly dip your paw down to her plate, being careful not to make contact with any part of her body. Perfect silence is a must, but that shouldn’t be an issue, because you are invisible. When employing the Down ‘n’ Up, you have a view and can be choosy. This is the time to go for the beef component of the Beef Stroganoff, not the nasty mushrooms.
The Gimme-Gimme Slide: The great thing about swiping is that, in addition to snagging some human food, it can also be used to right some intraspecies wrongs. If you live with another cat who you are certain gets far superior grub, deploy the Gimme-Gimme Slide. In most multi-cat households, meals are served in tandem, which offers the best swiping vantage. While maintaining at least a passing interest in your food, slowly reach sideways, scoop up a pawful of her meal, and place it in your dish. It may have come from the same can, but rest assured the food in her bowl was dispensed from its premium quadrant. Over time, the other cat may start to get a bit scrawny, which will worry your person, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. She’ll just dish out more food for your rival. And that’s a bounty all the more ripe for your swiping!
Remember that exciting day when you were a kitten and the first box arrived in your home? It smelled different! What could it be? Cheese? Squirrels? Squirrels filled with cheese? You leapt on top of it, sniffing and picking at the flaps to find out what was inside. When your person finally sliced the box open, you were disappointed to discover that all it contained was her late-night jewellery purchases from the shopping channel. But once those useless guts were removed, a wonderful, comfy cube was revealed. Like a siren, it called, this room within a room. You chewed the edges, rubbed your face all over the pointy parts, and greedily crammed yourself inside.
Ever since that magical day, you have been very sure of one thing – you will lay claim to each and every box you encounter.
However, keeping this vow isn’t as easy as it might seem. Cardboard boxes are under constant threat from your person, who could swoop in and flatten them at any moment. The only way to really keep tabs on your box is to get inside and stay put no matter what. Known as box-steading, this requires a singular focus and the investment of a lot of time. Long naps are always an option, but sometimes you’re just too frisky. And that’s when you can be most vulnerable, jeopardizing your claim by scrambling after a piece of cellophane.
To ensure that box stays yours, it’s vital to stay focused and keep occupied. If you’re a determined box-steader, we’ve got some activities to help keep you going:
Fruit Crates: Having a sun-drenched rest in one of these open-air numbers is sublime, but they can also be used for other exciting pursuits. Try transforming this box into a battering ram. Tear across the living room and leap in, sending the box careening into plant stands and stacks of DVDs. If your person is trainable, she can also drag the box around the living room while you enjoy thrilling adventures as Captain Felix of HMS California Oranges.
Beer Cases/File Boxes: Take a moment to inspect whether your box comes equipped with bonus side-portals. If so, you’re in luck, because you’ve got the perfect set-up to play a game of Lurk and Smack. Crouch down in its dark confines and poke your paw through a hole. Then blindly and frantically smack at whatever might be passing by – legs, fur tumbleweeds, legs, that dog, legs. Give ‘em all the works.
Pizza Boxes: At first there’s a lot to do in a box that once contained a pizza pie, like scavenging for nuggets of meat and licking puddles of oil. But after you run out of snacky bits, what else is there? Plenty! This box easily converts into a lair when you transform into your alter ego, Flattened Kitty-Worm, who shall vanquish all who dare enter her kitchen-floor domain!
Fridge Boxes: You can enjoy an afternoon of peaceful seclusion in one of these boxes, but it can get boring in that deep, murky space. Instead, pretend to be trapped in a well. Let out wail after terrified wail until your person races in to find out what’s wrong. When she breathlessly opens the lid to come to the rescue, just groom yourself nonchalantly as if you haven’t a care in the world. This never gets old, so feel free to keep it up all afternoon.
SPECIAL BOX OCCASIONS
Certain days bring with them a veritable box bonanza, and this can overwhelm even the most seasoned box-steader. So many at once! Which should you claim? The answer is all of them, if you can manage it!
Christmas: The weeks before Christmas are a time of high spirits and wonder, with clanky ornaments to shatter, crinkly paper to be shredded and clunky candles just asking for a smack down the stairs. But this is nothing compared to the box-boom awaiting you on the big day. Boxes filled with tissue paper! Boxes filled with twist-ties and instructions! Boxes that stink like summer sausage! Just run around