World domination is not a single-person enterprise. Villains who aspire to more than the occasional petty small-time bank robbery know they need allies. As an animal that naturally maintains dominance over all it surveys, cats are uniquely qualified to advise these evil powerseekers on topics such as double-crossing, silencing do-gooders and constructing a W80 thermonuclear warhead that can be deployed via cruise missile using the BGM-109G Gryphon GLCM.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT
6:00 A.M. Wake up evil army by stepping on all of their faces
8:45 A.M. Stare at shark tank for twenty minutes before selecting which one you want for breakfast
The decision to ally oneself with an arch-villain, however, is a difficult one. First of all, helping a human take control of a world that is already ours seems a bit silly, but sometimes a power-sharing agreement is preferable to protracted conflict. There are several important questions to consider before aiding any diabolical plot:
What kind of food is the dastardly genius offering in exchange for your services? Are we talking plain-old tinned chicken hearts and liver, or is there a promise of fresh cod? The chances are good that your involvement will result in the subjugation of all mankind, so demand that food be at least four out of five stars.
How competent is the arch-villain? Azrael was a strong, proud cat, but his alliance with the bumbling evil wizard Gargamel perpetually made him look foolish. Being undone and embarrassed by a piddling group of blue half-men like the Smurfs is something no cat should ever endure. Before you sign on with an evildoer, request to see a CV of past malevolent deeds. Additionally, have him detail his five- and ten-year plans. Find out if he hopes to rule over a hemisphere or if his ambition begins and ends with blowing up a dam. Remember, arch-villains need you more than you need them. Be selective.
Does the arch-villain have plans for domination beyond earth? This is a critical question. If the rogue is setting up moon bases, building menacing spaceships or developing intergalactic teleportation technology, cats may finally be able to search for the succulent alien fish thought to exist in the frozen Venusian ocean.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT
9:30 A.M. Get on the blower with the South American outpost and see how the construction of the satellite field in the heart of the Amazon is coming along Noon Chase slowly rolling smoke bomb around
How comfortable is the arch-villain’s lap? As his official cat, you will be spending nearly all of your time there. He’ll need to keep in contact with you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. There is no time off in the world-domination business. The last thing you want is to be stuck on a bony pelvis. Make sure to inspect the thighs of the arch-villain before signing on. If there’s a little padding on the lower half, you’ll be in good shape, but make sure it’s not too rotund. You don’t want to be the nearest thing in reach of a Jabba the Hutt-type when he starts feeling hungry.
If you ultimately decide to align with an arch-villain, there are certain protocols to follow. You won’t always see eye to eye, but direct confrontation is messy and time-consuming. Also, it’s best not to rile homicidal maniacs. If you want to get your way or make a suggestion, there is an easy, peaceful method to communicate ideas:
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT
12:15 P.M. Hiss at Interpol agent who threw smoke bomb as he engages in hand-to-hand combat with henchmen
3:00 P.M. Play with rope that is keeping Interpol agent tied to a chair
1 When you are in the lap of the arch-villain, he will have a natural compulsion to pet you.
2 As the arch-villain strokes your fur, begin to meditate on the given situation. Let’s say, for example, that he leads an organized-crime syndicate and some sad bloke is in the office, begging for forgiveness after once again failing to pay his weekly tribute. If the grovelling human happens to run a decent bakery or sells high-quality meats, he will probably offer food in lieu of cash. Visualize the arch-villain’s henchmen refraining from taking a cricket bat to the man’s legs.
3 Once you’ve made the decision to show mercy, a special glycoprotein with encoded instructions is released through your fur. The unique skin of arch-villains can absorb feline glycoprotein, so when their fingertips make contact with you the instructions travel through their bloodstream and into their brains. Once there, your message is received and your bidding is carried out.
4 In this case, the order to show mercy is communicated, and soon you will be snacking on doughnuts and beef.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT
6:30 P.M. Climb to top of watchtower, consider signalling to clueless guards that an SAS regiment is approaching; nap instead
8:00 P.M. Go back down to command centre to see who’s in charge now
Perhaps you are asking: Why not ally with a superhero instead of an arch-villain? It really comes down to shared goals. Very rarely does one hear of a superhero who aims to control all space and time. They just don’t have the same drive and ambition as their wicked adversaries. There is, however, one caveat to consider. All arch-villains have an expiry date. Eventually the hubris from which they derive power causes their downfall. If you find yourself in a flaming underground bunker as your arch-villain and a super-spy are battling it out, don’t be afraid to switch sides. You are under no obligation to go down with the secret island base. Jump on the arch-villain’s back and start clawing like crazy while the good guy blasts him with a laser gun. Then prepare to be whisked away to safety and honoured for your heroics. This new standing will put you in a good position to become a democratically elected universal ruler – so either way, it’s win-win.
Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom
Today’s cat is busier than ever. A crush of distractions and ever-increasing responsibilities compete for our limited attention. Scan the ceiling for bugs. Check the sink for dirty dishes. Tear apart that new bouquet of flowers on the coffee table. Just thinking about it all is enough to drive you mad.
Being beautifully groomed may seem like yet another chore, but a cat’s appearance can’t be put at the bottom of the list.
Life should never get in the way of your beauty. Just groom, groom, groom, groom, groom, groom, groom right through a busy day.
MID-SECTION
Properly wedging in between your sleeping person’s knees sometimes takes quite a few tries. Don’t let an opportunity for a good mid-section cleaning go by as she tosses back and forth. She’s soundly half-asleep, so go ahead and slurp all you want.
PAWS
You’ve been scratching at the underside of the mattress for fifteen minutes straight. Take a break now and then to rid your lovely mitts of all that dust while your person pleads for you to come out of there.
BEHIND THE EARS
When smacking the bedroom door to gain entry, stop occasionally to hear if your person is climbing out of bed. That’s a good time to clean well behind the ears before resuming scratching at the door