At this point, you may be feeling pity for your N as you realize she is at the mercy of her disorder. Compassion is evidently one of your positive traits or you wouldn’t have ended up with an N in the first place. Compassion is a noble trait; it sets you apart from the N whose emotions are merely self-centered reactions. However, it is important that you do not allow yourself to be led by your emotions. Once you arm yourself with knowledge, you can choose not to be manipulated and disrespected. There is such a peace in that type of security. There is more you need to know about the emotions of an N so that you will be better equipped to handle those frustrating and confusing situations. For now, you may want to reflect upon the “object” type love of an N and her ongoing journey to find completion. Don’t be discouraged. You can and will gain the knowledge to choose a partner and find the right relationship, the one for which you yearn and deserve.
Supply by Any Other Name…
While pondering the “object” type love the N chooses, you will come to understand one reason the N seems to move seamlessly from one relationship to another. We all tire of our material possessions and upgrade them from time to time. When we replace worn out objects like cell phones that no longer work, we don’t grieve for the ones we discarded.
N’s are said to have the emotional maturity of a five-year-old child. That is why the “toy” analogy seems to work so well when explaining their attitude toward their partners. When Linda allowed Robert to continuously cut her down and compare her to his past lovers, he lost respect for her. If she complained about the comparisons or got upset, he considered her insecure or weak and still lost respect for her. No matter how she reacted to his “game,” she was set up to be devalued in Robert’s eyes, because that was the only way he knew how to play.
N’s assume that everyone thinks the same way they do about things. They are incapable of experiencing empathy or any of the emotions associated with relating to the feelings of others. The only feelings they are known to experience are ones involving their own narcissistic injury. They can experience anger, disgust, humiliation or embarrassment. They are able to feel shame and disappointment. They even feel a rush when things go their way, when they feel in control or gain supply. But they do not know what it is to feel love in the way normal people do, and they cannot feel empathy with others. They usually learn how to react by watching others and they write those reactions into the scripts they act out on a daily basis. They can mimic sorrow or sympathy, but those who understand the disorder know that those emotions are not sincere when expressed by N’s.
Chances are when Robert was with his NS, he told her what a horrible partner Linda had been. While he was whispering what a perfect fit the new woman was or how he had finally found the girl of his dreams, he didn’t mention to her that he had once told Linda the exact same things. Linda was surely painted as a clingy, insecure ogre, someone who wouldn’t let him go (N’s often like to make it appear as if their past lovers cannot get enough of them and won’t leave them alone. We are almost convinced that when the ex-partner continues to contact the N in order to gain some sort of closure to the confusing madness she experienced with him, that the N actually views it as stalking) and no doubt the NS felt pity for Robert for having dated such a “freak.”
What should Linda do if Robert comes back for round three? Having read this book most will say Linda will under no circumstance take him back. When we see the relationship from another person’s perspective, it is easy to realize how a reunion with such a person would be a mistake. We may find it impossible to believe that someone would be willing to continue a relationship with a partner who constantly devalues her. But there are women and men who take their partners back even after being devalued and discarded several times. Many things factor into their reasons for this. Some of these people are codependents who seem to be at the mercy of their own disorder. Others are addicted to their partners and need them under any circumstance. Sometimes victims are momentarily blinded by the fog of deceit created by the N’s and need only to have the air cleaner to see more distinctly. In this book we hope to teach you how to discern the truth about your own vulnerability and how you’ve been affected by your narcissistic lover.
QUIZ # 1
Degrees of Co-dependency
Rate your level of co-dependency from one through four.
4 = Often
3 = On occasion
2 = Rarely
1 = Never
____ Afraid of being alone
____ Feel the need to take care of the emotional needs of others
____ Hard on yourself
____ Tend to go above and beyond what they can handle
____ Feel the need to be needed
____ Need approval and appreciation from others
____ Majority of relationships were unhealthy
____ Don’t give yourself the credit you deserve
____ Look for sources outside of yourself to gain happiness
Total _______
Add your score total. Scores should range anywhere from 9 through 36. A total score between 28 and 36 reflects that you have excessive codependent qualities. A score between 18 and 27 indicates that you have a significant amount of co-dependent traits. A score between 9 and 17 illustrates that you have a limited amount of co-dependent characteristics.
Despite the seeming need for companionship, relationships of the N are doomed. Because of the N’s poor-self image, he feels that if anyone is willing to accept him as a partner she must be inferior in some way. Therefore, he cannot stay with anyone who would accept the likes of him into her life. In the beginning of the courtship, he is attracted to his partner’s strengths and drawn to her confidence. Those “unobtainable” qualities are what make him pursue her, at first. He believes she could be “the one” and he also tries to convince her of this. However, once he has acquired her, and the newness begins to wear off, he believes she must be flawed in some way in order to stay with someone like him. Then he perceives flaws which are in reality his own. He grows bored, disgusted, and begins to search for NS. Unable to face his own inadequacies and give to another, he looks for another “perfect” match, continuing the self-defeating cycle of despair.
The N devalues her sources of supply, because she resents them for the power they have over her. Without supply, the N will cease to exist and learn to resent her dependency upon her supply. By devaluing the very supply on which she feels dependent, the N gains back some of the control she feels she has lost.
Negative attention equals positive attention (supply) for an N. Therapists encourage victims of N’s to abide by the “No Contact” rule when dealing with break ups from their narcissistic companion. But many victims feel the way Linda seemed to feel; they doubt themselves and give the N second and third chances. Victims believe that the N really wants to change and their compassion to be the better person and offer him forgiveness overrides any feelings of resentment. However, this “forgiveness” is not as compassionate and self-sacrificing as it may seem.
Remember, as you’ve learned earlier when the N initiates the relationship, he convinces his partner that she is very special. She believes that she is “the one he has been searching for.” All of the coincidences and things she had in common with her partner proved to her that theirs was more than just an average relationship. The way he made her feel in the beginning of their courtship reinforced her belief that they were made for each