Think back on the past partners of your N. Didn’t they all possess certain impressive characteristics or strengths? And did you ever notice how your N would brag about someone from her past, only to cut him down in the next breath? Didn’t it ever seem strange to you that she seemed to rave about certain characteristics of past boyfriends or fondly remember the times they spent together, yet have no desire to be in a relationship with them again?
Narcissistic injury (that very first incident that caused the N to split and form his “false” self) is replayed many times throughout the N’s life through his relationships with others. He spends so much time building himself up and inflating his “false” self. When anyone tries to interfere with the image he has so carefully created, he experiences an injured feeling. To protect himself from that feeling, the N uses different types of defense mechanisms. One such mechanism is “devaluation.” By emotionally injuring others, he protects his “false” self. That is why he felt the need to insult you or make you feel badly about yourself. Take a few moments and try to recall a time your partner insulted you or made you feel negatively about yourself. Did it follow an incident in which you had perhaps corrected him in some way or criticized him about something? Did you try to explain how he could have possibly been mistaken or that perhaps he had said something he was denying having said? When threatened in such a way, those old and familiar insecurities begin to arise. The N experiences narcissistic injury all over again. One way to crush those feelings is to devalue the person posing the threat. This gives the N a feeling of superiority and control over that person. Control… even in a false sense, is very important to the N.
At the onset of all relationships, the N feels drawn to his partner because of her special strengths and characteristics. He wants those strengths to be a part of his “false” self. He admires them and mirrors them. Anything is better than the way he truly feels about himself. He will take on her personality in bits and pieces. He doesn’t even realize he is doing this. Was there ever a time when he mimicked your own words? Did you ever say something to him only to have it played back to you later as if it were his own original idea? This is very common with those afflicted with NPD. They merge so closely with their “objects” that they really seem to lose sight of where they end and their partner begins. Their partner’s words become their own. Their partner’s houses, cars and even friends become their own.
Once you learn the characteristics of NPD, the possibility that you had been or are still dating an N may initially seem overwhelming. On the one hand, you don’t want to believe that this is or was the case. On the other hand, too much of it makes sense for you to not delve into the matter further.
But beware: to accept the possibility that you are dating or have dated an N means you will have to accept the fact that your partner didn’t consider you “special.” And you must know that he wasn’t capable of “real” love. Think back on the time spent with him. You now may possibly even see it as a waste. That is always very hard to do, especially for those who have spent many years trying to cultivate relationships with N’s.
Many of us find it easier to find fault within ourselves than to put any of the blame on our partners. If we are ready for a relationship, we like to believe there is a “happily ever after.” We will fight to maintain or work to cultivate toward that happy ending. When we feel that is being threatened in any way, we tend to strike out with our own defense mechanisms. One of those mechanisms is denial. We find ourselves pretending things aren’t the way they seem. We make excuses for our partners or believe that things will get better “when” or “if.”
The fact of the matter is, if we are dating an N, things are not going to get better. Since the N views us as mere objects, we aren’t loved in the traditional sense of the word. We are tools the N uses for his narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is anything the N can use to help promote his “false” self. He needs others to lift him, to make him feel special and to reinforce his belief that he is superior in many areas. As long as we are giving him that supply, we are considered useful to the N. Initially, he will mistakenly believe that feeling to be love. However, in reality, it is a drug…a way for him to elevate himself. And, as with all drugs, it will eventually lose it’s potency. That is why the N is always in constant search for new partners (new supply, or NS).
Haven’t you ever wondered why your partner seemed to scan the room every time you were in public? Maybe she told you she liked observing people and that she was into “details.” Did you ever wonder why she seemed to have several male “friends” that she kept in touch with even while you were together? The N keeps supply on hand. Different people offer different supply to her. She will keep them around for as long as they continue to “buy into” her act and praise her for her “greatness.” The moment they begin to see beyond the act or discontinue the praise she so desperately needs, she will discard them like an old shoe…like the objects they are to her.
Partners of the N see his inconsistencies first hand, notice contradictions and, therefore, are more apt to criticize those things. That is, when the N will feel threatened, injured and becomes defensive. The N will begin devaluing his partner in order to regain control.
Unfortunately, after the N has devalued his partner, she loses that “ideal” appeal to him and he sees her as “damaged goods.” She is no longer necessary to him as supply and he begins to “discard” her by continuing the devaluation until the relationship is finally over. Many times the N will start to line up new supply (NS) months before the relationship is officially over. Some have been known to sign up on Internet dating sites while still in relationships with their partners. The devaluation may have been ongoing for quite some time, but the partner, viewing the relationship as “normal,” thinks they are just having problems and remains willing to work things out. She usually has no clue that she is the only one working to improve the situation. Does any of this sound familiar?
Why is it so hard for us to believe we could have possibly been “narcissized?” What is it about us that would prefer to believe we have some flaw or have made some major mistake to cause our partner to treat us the way he/she did? The truth is the partners blame themselves rather than doubt their N’s. Narcissistic Personality Disorder seems to be such a cold, malignant disease. No one wants to believe it exists…and if it does, no one wants to believe his or her partner is afflicted with a disorder which inflicts such cruelty.
N’s have been compared to vampires. This analogy makes a lot of sense when breaking down the characteristics of the disorder. The vampire is considered to be damned and cursed with his fate, just as the N is cursed with his disorder. Neither the vampire nor the N willingly chose his fate. The vampire uses people as tools and sources of supply to continue his existence…his constant, futile search for deliverance. The N uses people as supply as well; he needs them to keep his “false self ” alive while he continues his futile search for “ideal” love and deliverance of the disorder which enslaves him. The vampire cannot see his own image in a mirror and neither can the N. This is because the N has worked so hard to keep his real image hidden. He spent years trying to create and cultivate his “false” self; he has pieced it together from bits of supply to which he was attracted. Therefore, when he glances into a mirror, he sees his supply staring back at him. He sees a cracked and plastered vision of several people, none of which are even remotely similar to the “vile and disgusting” real self he has carefully hidden. Vampires are considered “soulless,” doomed to roam the earth, snatching souls from innocent victims. Many people consider the N to be “soulless” because he seems to have no conscience or pity for his victims. Victims of N’s often say they feel as if their soul has been raped or even robbed by the N. Like the vampire, the N seems to roam the earth acting as a victim of his own disorder, gathering supply, almost unwillingly, as he searches for some sort of cure or deliverance. Destruction of the vampire comes about when he is exposed to light, and the N will cease to exist when his “true” self is “brought to light.”
Once those who are victims of N’s accept the fact that their partners are afflicted with NPD, they sometimes find themselves feeling pity for the Narcissist.