According to the DSM, the N has a grandiose sense of self-importance. He will often exaggerate his achievements and expects to be recognized as superior. He believes that he is special and that only “special” people or people of high-status and importance can understand him. He believes in “ideal” love and is constantly in search of it. He has fantasies of unlimited success, power or beauty. He constantly needs admiration and praise. He has a sense of entitlement and takes advantage of others in order to achieve his own goals. He is incapable of feeling empathy and cannot identify with the needs and feelings of others. He often has a snobby attitude or comes across as arrogant. He is envious of others and believes others to be envious of him. In order to be diagnosed with an actual permanent Narcissistic Personality Disorder, five of the above criteria need to be met. Many times the N believes others are talking about him when they are not. Paranoia and bi-polar tendencies seem to be prevalent in N’s, as well.
In addition, the DSM IV states, “Many highly successful individuals display personality traits that might be considered narcissistic” and that, “Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective stress, is it considered Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”
Once a victim of an N realizes that her own parent could have possibly been afflicted with NPD, she begins to pull pieces of the puzzle together. Situations from her childhood that she had once thought “normal” suddenly seem not as normal when she views them as situations influenced by an N. Understanding that she could have been shaped and prepared to deal with an N as early as her childhood, the victim realizes how she was able to continue in such a relationship.
You don’t have to be a co-dependent to be in a relationship with an N, but many times that is the case. A co-dependent has usually been taught to take the blame or justify odd behavior. A co-dependent will be more likely to accept negative behavior for longer periods of time while making excuses for, or actually believing that the N is going to get better at some point.
Studies have shown that N’s who sometimes have relationships with other N’s have a more “successful” relationship. This is because both partners use each other for supply and don’t expect more from the relationship. When they need new supply they take it, while understanding that their old supply will be waiting for them when necessary.
Successful relationships with N’s are those in which the partner seems to sacrifice many of the traditional expectations of a relationship. Some partners realize their N is not going to be faithful, so in order to keep the relationship together they participate in wife swapping or other types of permissive infidelities. Do you know anyone like this? Some partners of N’s want to keep their relationship together so badly that they will often sacrifice their own happiness and allow themselves to stay in relationships where they have to share their partner in order to be a part of his life. The N sees this as the ultimate form of narcissistic supply because he views himself as such a wonderful person that his partner is actually willing to share him in order to keep him. If he can stay with her after that, without feeling disgust or disrespect for what he views as desperation, the relationship can continue in this fashion for as long as he allows.
Sometimes, when we study the characteristics of an N, we become paranoid that perhaps we, ourselves, are N’s. However, everyone possesses a certain amount of narcissism, which is necessary for protection against certain types of emotional injury. It becomes a problem when those characteristics are so dominant that they leave no room for empathy or respect for others.
Don’t worry if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and if some major light bulbs are flashing in your head at this time. Sit back and take a nice, deep breath. There is actually a way for you to heal from all of this “N-fliction.” Contrary to popular belief, there is a way for the N to heal as well. But first, my friend, you must piece together more of this puzzle that has recently been confusing you so much. So read on.
There is a saying that goes: “It is hard to see the forest for the trees.” When we see another person’s situation, we seem to know exactly what must be done. Perceptions of our own situations tend to be clouded by doubts and false hopes, whether consciously or subconsciously. So we are not always able to know exactly what to do. Hence, we often continue in hopeless relationships, repeating patterns and behaviors that secure their doom. In an effort to “clear the trees” a bit, let’s look at other relationships. Perhaps you will see elements of your own relationship in one of the stories in this book. If so, it should help you gain a better understanding of N’s and NPD.
Chapter 2
Seeing the Forest
Now that we have examined some of the characteristics of narcissistic men and women in chapter one, I hope you gained some understanding about NPD and insight into the possibility that you may have been “narcissized.” Sometimes statistics and psychological terminology can get in the way of a clear understanding. That is why we want to share this personality study with you:
Linda’s divorce had been final for three weeks and she was starting to breathe a sigh of relief. Eric, her ex-husband, had played every game in the book to make the divorce a nightmare for her. She couldn’t understand why he tried to make things so difficult when he had been the one to walk away.
The first few months after their separation, Linda, who had custody of their eleven-year-old daughter, had been a wreck. Even songs on the radio seemed to taunt her. “All That’s Left is a Band of Gold” seemed to target her own situation as she nervously tried to change the radio station. Looking back over her twelve-year marriage, she tried to imagine what she could have done differently. She was aware that no marriage is perfect and couples have to work hard to stay together. Knowing she hadn’t been the “perfect wife,” she was willing to see a marriage counselor in order to work on their problems. Eric hadn’t.
After going through all the stages of loss from denial to anger, Linda began to accept her new life as a single mother and decided she could make it on her own without a man. Almost at the moment of her acceptance of this new decision, in walked Robert. She saw him as her reward for having been such a trooper during her separation and divorce process. Robert seemed to be everything Eric was not. Amazingly, Linda had many things in common with Robert…right down to favorite snack foods. She felt that fate had brought the two of them together, because Robert had just gotten out of a terrible relationship with a clingy, insecure woman who had been stalking him and sending him threatening letters; Linda was such an amazing contrast to her.
In the beginning of their relationship, Linda felt as if Robert’s search for a perfect mate was over. According to him, she possessed every quality he had been looking for in a woman and he treated her little daughter very well. He said Linda was the exact opposite of his last partner and he almost immediately made himself at home with her and her daughter. Not even three months into the relationship Robert professed his love, and while it seemed a bit premature to Linda for “I love you’s,” she felt, based on the uncanny coincidences and remarkable amount of things they had in common, the emotion was well founded.
However, the honeymoon stage of their relationship quickly began to dissipate. One lazy afternoon, as Linda and Robert were lounging around her house watching movies, he made a seemingly fond comment about an old girlfriend. Linda felt the hair on her body bristle, because it came across almost as a comparison and Linda was not the one coming out on top. She decided to let the comment slide in case she had been overly sensitive about it but a few days later, a similar incident occurred. Robert had always bragged about Linda being very neat and organized,