Narcissistic Lovers. Cynthia Zayn

Linda was livid. Her heart was pounding as she quickly dialed Carrie’s cell phone. “After all these months how could he still have this kind of affect on me? How rude of him to just casually send me an email!”

       Carrie helped Linda calm down and explained to her that Robert was more than likely beginning to grow bored with his NS and was probably hoping Linda would step back in until he found “better” supply. He hadn’t begged her back this time, because he knew she would be less likely to accept him since he discarded her twice. He was “testing the waters.” Due to Linda’s new knowledge about NPD, it made complete sense to her and she began to feel angry. She told Carrie she intended to tell Robert she knew exactly what his problem was and that she was no longer going to serve as narcissistic supply for him. “By doing that,” Carrie explained, “you will be giving him the very supply you wish to deny him.” Linda knew this was an apt diagnosis from what she had studied, but she felt helpless. Robert would interpret the anger, the lecture or even the declarations of refusal as narcissistic supply.

       Feelings of helpless frustration stayed with Linda throughout the day and by the time she left work she felt emotionally drained.

       When she arrived home, her ex-husband was already there to take their daughter for the weekend, but her daughter hadn’t arrived home from school, yet. Linda felt more tension building inside her, in her ex-husband’s presence. He seemed annoyed and angry that the school bus was late and made sarcastic comments to Linda.

       After he finally left, daughter in tow, Linda had a quick meltdown sitting with her head in her arms at her kitchen table. As she reflected, she flashed back to her relationship with her ex-husband. Did her ex-husband have narcissistic tendencies? How had she never noticed those characteristics before? Was the pacifying she had done in that relationship why she had been able to stay with Robert so long? Had she learned how to survive with an N by living twelve years with one?

       Linda felt as if she had hit an all time low. When she stared at herself in the mirror she felt a pathetic person was staring back. Linda had not yet processed that through knowledge and behavior she was changing and would change more and for the better. In order to make these changes however, Linda needed to learn exactly what had gone wrong so she could grow stronger and create a better relationship in the future.

      Does Linda’s situation ring familiar? Have you noticed that you seem less confident and at peace with yourself than you did when you first met your N? Do you see how his constant devaluation could have lowered your self-esteem? Do you feel you are gaining insight into your own personality at this point?

      Be confident. All of these painful revelations are working together to mold you into a better, stronger, wiser you. Pressure is always necessary when creating something positive. A lump of coal must endure pressure in order to become a diamond. Muscles have to rip before muscle growth is obtained. You have probably heard the saying, “No pain no gain.” That truism can be applied to the epiphanies experienced by an awakening NPD victim. We promise you, the emotional roller coaster ride you are experiencing taking you from revelation to anger and disgust will end at a peaceful place if you follow the tracks.

       Chapter 5

       Trolling for Supply…

      Please be hopeful. You are arming yourself with some powerful knowledge. If you don’t feel your new strength yet, we are confident you soon will. Let’s continue this journey together. There is a lot more to learn.

      When things seem to be going right in the life of an N, he doesn’t need his supply. His partner becomes unnecessary, as he feels no reason to be uplifted and needs no one to blame for his problems. Because the N feels “special,” he expects others to appease him when things do not go his way. In his mind, people are there as amulets to cheer, encourage and support him as he continues his journey through life. He doesn’t see them as individuals who need their own emotional support or who have their own paths to travel. That is why he feels confused if they refuse to cater to his needs or if they express the desire for support in their own lives.