“Our culture really focuses on youth and success, and many of us feel that we have to be fabulously successful by age thirty or we’re failures. I think we forget that lives don’t have to follow a single path. . . . Many people don’t become truly successful until they’re older, which makes a lot of sense.”
Graduate student, 25, dating, New Jersey
EXPECTATION HANGOVER R X
No matter how well we manage our expectations, one day we will still wake up with a Hangover. The advice to “just let go of expectations and be happy with who you are and what you have” is cold comfort on those dreary mornings. If it were that easy, we would not see countless commercials for antidepressants on television. Being human means experiencing letdowns as well as joy. But there are ways to shorten the severity of Hangovers and ease our suffering. Don’t panic if you’ve mistakenly taken the road to Doomsville; you also have the ability to find your way out of town.
DECLARATION: My twenty-something years have turned outto be a huge realization that I’m not who or where I hadpictured myself to be . . . and that’s okay.
I’m a twenty-seven-year-old woman who still feels like a lost teenager. I had a great family life and no real angst growing up besides the typical teenage string of heartaches and tribulations. After completing my degree, I have worked “successfully” in my industry for the last four years. But to me, it feels like I haven’t found satisfaction, and I don’t personally see myself as successful.
After an unexpected breakup with my boyfriend of three years, I went hardcore into the partying scene. I was always upset and started drinking and eating way too much. This combo helped to distract me so I wouldn’t have to think about the decisions or feelings I faced at the time. I’ve gained fifteen pounds with emotional eating and have lost my drive for the gym. This past year has been full of many mistakes, humiliating regrets, and then the overanalyzing of those mistakes and regrets.
I need to make some major changes, and I need to find my passion for life again — in all aspects. But as a self-confessed anxiety junkie consumed with every idiotic action no matter how small it may be, change is a bit daunting. It’s funny how long you can continue to be unhappy and maintain patterns you hate because change seems so much more difficult.
I realize I can’t continue to have reckless partying nights, which lead to wasted days and anxiety, and I can no longer eat like there’s a trough set up in my living room. I’m learning not to dwell on the many mistakes I’ve made and truly use them as learning tools (so very, very hard to do). I’ve learned that toxic people no longer have a place in my life and that sometimes friendships die without a dramatic ending — people just grow apart. I’m learning the art of saying no, though I still feel like I’m letting people down. I know the biggest thing I want is a peaceful mind instead of the negative internal dialogue.
“During my Expectation Hangover, every day it seemed like something would go wrong or not work out for me. It would seem that my needs where not being met. In actuality it was me not accepting the position that life had put me in. I was fighting the present and trying to regain the past, which only made everyone around me suffer — including me.”
Teacher, 25, serious relationship, Illinois
I am beginning to feel a little more upbeat about getting my life on track after four or five months of wallowing. What a waste of time, eh? I’m not who or where I had pictured myself to be, and that’s okay (I’m slowly learning to accept this). Things don’t magically fall into place after university. I have hit some rough patches. I may continue to make some wrong decisions, and I will continue to have some really embarrassing moments I wish I could erase — but that’s life. Maybe these moments are here to remind me that I’ve made a major detour and it’s time to refocus.
Don’t Hang Out in Your Hangover
Like Lisa, we may find that our Expectation Hangover leads to real hangovers — and to overeating, laziness, overwork, and any number of emotional avoidance and self-medicating strategies. It’s very easy to beat ourselves up, belabor our mistakes, and throw a pity party when symptoms of a Hangover flare up, but that only perpetuates our symptoms. Practice healthy behavior instead. Eliminate or drastically reduce the amount you drink. Alcohol is a depressant that may temporarily make us feel better, but the next day we will feel even more down than before — and it takes a good three days for the toxins to leave our bodies. Some respond to emotional stress by taking recreational drugs, binge eating, going on shopping sprees, or slacking off at work, while others do the opposite: burying themselves in work, becoming hyper-productive. Yet all of these behaviors are merely temporary Band-Aids. As soon as we stop, our undesirable feelings return.
A better rehab program, as Lisa is discovering, is to commit to living a healthier lifestyle — physically, mentally, and fiscally. Exercise is a wonderful way to release endorphins (the “feel-good” hormone) and combat Hangover symptoms. Take care of your body by eating healthy, which provides a sense of empowerment over your own physical domain when everything else may seem out of control. Maintain a healthy work/life balance. When you are at work, be present. Don’t spend time IM’ing your friends about your Expectation Hangover. Focus on what you are paid to do, and at the end of the day, leave your work at work. Fill your personal life with nourishing social and creative activities. Keep your home neat and organized so that you have a sanctuary to return to. And finally, stick to a budget so that you are conscious about where you are spending your money. Debt is a common unpleasant side effect of many Expectation Hangovers.
“An Expectation Hangover about my job and relationships led to a short temper and some physical manifestations of my stress. Not wanting to be too angry at work or the people I love, I internalized the anger and it lead to insomnia, constant heartburn, and a depressed immune system that left me constantly sick. I spent a year worrying about why I wasn’t where I was ‘supposed’ to be and frantically trying to get there.”
Policy analyst, 26, dating, Washington, D.C.
When feelings are overwhelming and thoughts are unclear, journaling is an excellent remedy. Don’t leave your concerns and feelings bottled up inside. Talk to your friends, mentors, or a counselor about the stress and disappointment you are feeling. Holding unhappiness inside is like trying to submerge a beach ball underwater — eventually it will erupt, and the deeper it’s held, the bigger the splash. Decision making is stressful during an Expectation Hangover, so put off major decisions if you can, until you have strengthened your resolve and clarified your emotions by making healthier choices about your body, mind, and spirit.
Be Proactive Rather Than Reactive
In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey explains that one of the fundamental qualities of being an effective person is being proactive, which he associates with being responsible for your own life. Covey breaks down the word “responsibility” into “response-ability.” He asserts that highly proactive people “do not blame circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behavior.” In other words, no matter what cards life deals us, we are all responsible for how we choose to respond.
Remember the “90/10” rule when dealing with an Expectation Hangover. Only 10 percent of our symptoms are dictated by what actually happened; 90 percent of how we feel is determined by how we react to what