Right now, take some time to write down a few insights in your journal about what your journey has been like so far. I suggest making two columns — one for things that have happened, and one for things you have learned. In the first column, reflect on your twenty-something experience so far by taking an inventory of your major life events, those you have “toasted” and those that may have resulted in an Expectation Hangover. In the second column, consider the lessons and insights you have gained from your experiences. When making your lists, ask yourself questions like: What has surprised me? What have I learned? What have I proved to myself? What have I gotten through that at first appeared insurmountable? What do I know to be true?
Next, on a new page, respond to this question, “What are the goals that I am aspiring to in my twenties?” Be specific. Write down anything you hope to put in motion or accomplish during this decade. If questions arise regarding the specifics of how you will go about achieving your goals, write those down as well. Keep those questions in mind as you continue to journey through this manifesto.
| 2. | EXPECTATION HANGOVERS |
“An Expectation Hangover is just like a dark storm cloud that continues to loom overhead. Nothing really ever comes of it — it just makes your day dark and dreary, and you walk around all the time waiting for the bottom to fall out. You know it’s there, even when you’re not looking up at it, because you can feel it. And most of all, it brings your entire mood down just by virtue of the fact that it is there, lurking.”
Accounts coordinator, 25, single, Nebraska
Can you relate to any of the following? You are often in a funk that you can’t get out of. You have low energy and trouble focusing on things. TiVo has become your most fulfilling relationship. You obsess about things in the past or to come in the future like it’s your favorite hobby. You are losing hope that you will ever figure out what you want and actually get it. Something turned out different than what you wanted and planned, so you gave up trying. Something unexpected and undesirable occurred, and you can’t get over it. If you answered yes to any of the above, you are likely suffering from an Expectation Hangover.
The symptoms that accompany Expectation Hangovers are as miserable as those from a hangover from alcohol. You feel lethargic, down in the dumps, and regretful. You wish you could turn back time and would do anything to end your suffering. Your level of performance at work may suffer, your creativity is stifled, you may withdraw from your social life, and your self-esteem plummets.
One twenty-eight-year-old woman describes her Expectation Hangovers: “It feels like a dull pain in my chest. It’s the terrible disappointment I’ve felt when faced with the results of my decisions and has led to some depression, much anxiety, and a lot of introspection. I would say during these Hangovers I am motivated toward change — but the scary part is seeing how to make the change and also seeing the obstacles in the way, mainly being the opinion of family and loved ones. These obstacles can make what seems to be a simple fix a much more complicated process. It can be quite daunting to try to change my life in a way I see fit when I feel like no one is supporting it or even trying to simply accept it.”
In college, when you nursed a hangover from too much drinking, what did you do? Took some aspirin, ate some greasy food, and stayed inside with the lights low for a day until it wore off. But an Expectation Hangover can last for days, weeks, and even months because time is no cure — instead, it just hands us more expectations. Expectation Hangovers have become an epidemic, and this chapter presents twenty somethings with a treatment and prevention plan. For the quick overview, see page 54.
THIS IS MY LIFE?
Only 20 percent of twenty somethings in my online survey said they are where they expected to be in life. The rest — 80 percent — reported suffering from an Expectation Hangover. Expectation Hangovers arise when things don’t go as expected, when we are unable to match our expectations for ourselves, or when something unexpected (and undesirable) happens. When our expectations are met, we feel great; if it’s something we’ve accomplished, we usually receive praise. But if we don’t succeed or meet the standards set for us (or that we set for ourselves), the incessant judgment begins. The majority of disappointment stems from career, relationship, and money issues. Here are some of the answers I received to the following question on the Manifesto Survey: “What are some things that you expected to happen that either have not happened or didn’t turn out like you expected them to?”:
“I expected to be involved in a job with people I feel comfortable with and in a steady relationship, live near my family, spend a lot of time in the sun, and have a dog. I live three thousand miles away in an apartment that does not allow pets and spend most of my hours in an office without a window.”
Art director, 26, single and hate it, New York
“I thought I’d be comfortably and confidently on a path with a clear vision about what I want.”
“I thought I’d be married by now.”
“I thought I’d be happy after I lost 120 pounds, but I’m still as empty as before.”
“I thought I’d be financially stable.”
“I never thought I’d move for a man.”
“I thought it would be easy to find a life mate and not hard to slip into a career that I love.”
“I thought I would graduate sooner than I did.”
“I thought things would work out with my ex.”
“I thought the money I invested in my education would lead to a higher paying job than the one I have.”
“I thought I’d be further along in my career.”
“I thought it would be easier to meet people and make friends.”
“I thought I’d feel like an adult.”
“I thought I’d be helping more people than I am.”
“I thought career success and marriage would bring more happiness than what I have.”
Can you relate to any of these? If you are not where you want to be in your life and you feel like there is nothing you can do about it, let me remind you that this is your life. It’s not a dress rehearsal, and you don’t get a twenty-something do-over. If you want to be happier, more focused, more decisive — you have that choice. Remember, you cannot completely control your external world, but you do have power over your thoughts. As Victor Frankl says in Man’s Search for Meaning, “The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.”
“My Expectation Hangover left me short-changed, burdened, and just plain stunted for a couple of years. It is a difficult time finding a new path, but it does happen if one chooses to do more than just exist.”
Dental assistant, 27, divorced but found love again, Washington
In the midst of an Expectation Hangover, simple choices can feel very challenging. While it’s impossible to avoid them entirely, it is possible to reduce the severity and frequency of Expectation Hangovers — as long as you take responsibility for what you drink. Accept that you have the choice to put down that cup full of expectations, to walk away from that shot of disappointment. The key to overcoming an Expectation Hangover