“GETTING MORE THAN I GAVE” by Lauren, 25
DECLARATION: Life often brings unexpected lessons, and I havelearned to embrace them as the most important lessons of all.
My life has always been ordered and scheduled and rather predictable. I went to college, married my high school sweetheart, and began graduate school. I do not mean to downplay the things that I have experienced in my life. I just recognize that none of it was ever really unexpected or out of the ordinary. This remained true until March 2006 when I had the opportunity to be a part of one of the greatest life-changing events.
As a graduate student, I felt compelled to give back, so I helped plan a Katrina Relief trip as an alternative spring break for college students. I felt a surge of positive energy as I worked with an amazing group of people tirelessly organizing a huge undertaking. I poured myself into this trip to Biloxi, Mississippi, and loved being part of something so important and meaningful.
When spring break arrived, I could not wait to get on my bus and start a week of rebuilding and reinvigorating a community. Seven buses carrying 405 college students, administrators, faculty, and community members left the parking lot on a mission. Never in my life have I been so proud.
I spent my week making sure that everyone involved in our trip had a task. I talked with citizens who needed work done to their homes, yards, and other properties in the community. As I met community members, I had the chance to see firsthand some of the devastation. I was astounded to know that so much of the Gulf Coast looked the same as it did when Hurricane Katrina first hit almost eight months prior. My heart broke knowing so many residents could do nothing but wait for volunteers.
By the time our week was over, I knew that I had changed. This effort helped me to put my life into perspective. Helping others through such a difficult time allowed me to see the changes I needed to make in my own life. The people of the Gulf Coast taught me that life lays down unexpected roadblocks, and the only thing people can do to survive is to find a positive and meaningful way to make it through.
“An Expectation Hangover is like giving the bullies at school a reaction to their behavior. Once they realize that you get upset, they continue to do it over and over again. When you finally realize that they will leave you alone when you don’t react, the situation doesn’t seem so bad and you gain confidence, friends, and you move on.”
Marketer, 25, serious relationship, Colorado
When I returned home, I stopped controlling the things that were truly out of my hands. I couldn’t make people understand things or act a certain way. I found freedom in letting go of the small things instead of getting angry and upset. I also stopped controlling my feelings. I began to let them out and work through them instead of bottling them up and being mad at myself for feeling a certain way.
Since my trip to the Gulf Coast, I decide each and every day to take time and slow down. My life is not a race. I don’t have to have it all ordered and figured out every minute. I still work on reminding myself of the importance of this. Sometimes I am not so optimistic that things will work out, but when I think about the victims of Katrina, I am reminded of how good I have it. And you know what? Each day gets better and better!
EXPECTATION HANGOVER TREATMENT AND PREVENTION PLAN
There is no pill for an Expectation Hangover, but here’s the next best thing: a quick summary of this chapter’s healing advice and preventative medicine. Bookmark this page. Not only will it support you in curing Hangovers and assist you during a quarter-life crisis, but it’s a handy reference for enhancing a twenty-something life.
PREVENTATIVE MAINTENANCE:
• Uncover expectations. Come clean about what you expect of yourself and life, and recognize the expectations you’ve taken on from others.
• Define your goals. Keep an ongoing list of immediate, attainable short-term goals; focus on this, not expected outcomes or desires.
• Take steps rather than leaps. Each day, take a small step forward — don’t try to have it all or do it all at once.
• Leave comparison land. Quit “more, better, different” thinking. Pay attention to your own progress, not that of others.
• Expect nothing from anyone else. Speak your mind; don’t expect others to read it. Be honest about what you expect from others, but be willing to let those expectations go.
• Acknowledge and appreciate yourself. Every day, express gratitude for your life and what you have. Don’t wait for someone else to tell you that you are fabulous!
• Be in the PRESENT! Avoid Expectation Hangovers by living in the here and now. Focus on today, and eliminate “when/then” thinking.
TREATMENT PLAN:
• Accept where you are. When you have a Hangover, accept it; don’t resist it or regret it (which only makes it worse).
• Find the “aha.” Put your emotions aside and learn from any mistakes. What is life teaching you? There is a reason for everything.
• Do a reality check. Make a list of other unpleasant outcomes or expectations that have not manifested, and consider all the ways things have actually turned out for the better.
• Stay healthy. Combat depression with exercise and a healthy diet; avoid alcohol, overeating, overcaffeinating, sugar highs, oversleeping, and moping in front of the TV.
• Break up the pity party. Accept a Hangover, don’t wallow in it. Plan something nice to do to help snap out of it.
• Be proactive. Be responsible for your feelings and take action to change them. Enact a plan for healthier behaviors and commit to it. Focus on what you could do differently rather than overthinking the past.
• Get to gratitude. Making a list of all the things in your life you are grateful for can be an immediate source of relief.
• Be selfless. It’s simple. Do for others and you’ll stop obsessing about yourself.
“Navigating the questions of the Twenties Triangle is complicated because you have no clue where you have been, where you are headed, what your goals are, what you want to be, and where you want to be. Up until now, I’ve been living according to other people’s instructions, and now I feel like I don’t know anything! I’ve realized I’ve made mistakes I need to fix inside my soul . . . and I trust that I’ll be okay even though I don’t always feel that way.”
Consultant, 24, dating, Louisiana
Anyone who’s had the fun of dealing with an Expectation Hangover knows that the twenty-something experience is laced with uncertainty. In parts 2 and 3, we will get to the heart of this twenty-something confusion as we tackle the three questions that make up what I call the “Twenties Triangle”: Who am I? What do I want? and How do I get it?
THE TWENTIES TRIANGLE
These three questions dominate our