Lucy suddenly appeared from her bedroom in her pyjamas. I could see she was angry.
‘Don’t you dare yell at my mother like that!’ she shouted at Joss as she arrived on the landing. ‘Who the hell do you think you are? You want to be bloody grateful my mum took you in. No one else would!’
‘Lucy!’ I cried, running up the stairs. ‘Calm down.’ I’d never seen her so angry before.
‘You can shut your face too!’ Joss shouted at Lucy.
Lucy raised her hand as if she was about to slap Joss as I arrived on the landing and moved her away. ‘No, Lucy,’ I said firmly. ‘Don’t.’
She lowered her hand and Joss grinned provocatively.
‘Go to your room, now!’ I said to Joss.
She hesitated.
‘I said now!’
Smirking, she went round the landing to her room, slamming the door behind her with such force that the whole house shook.
Lucy was still fuming and looked as though she might go after Joss. I took her arm. ‘Come on, let’s go and sit in your room and talk.’
She came with me into her bedroom and we sat side by side on the bed. We could hear Joss stomping around in her room, nosily opening and closing drawers.
‘Who does she think she is?’ Lucy said. ‘I’m not having her talk to you like that.’
I slipped my arm around her waist and held her close.
‘It’s all right, love.’
‘I’m going to really hit her hard one day,’ Lucy said, clenching her fists in her lap. ‘I just know it. I won’t be able to stop myself.’
I took her hand in mine. While I was touched by Lucy’s loyalty, we both knew that physical violence was never right in any circumstances and if she ever did hit Joss, it would put an end to our fostering forever.
I held her close and gently stroked her hand as she slowly calmed down.
‘I know I shouldn’t have threatened her,’ she said at last. ‘But she gets to me.’
‘That’s what she’s aiming for,’ I said. ‘Joss thinks that if she pushes us too far then I’ll ask for her to be moved, as the other carers did. And that will confirm to her that she really is as bad and unlovable as she believes.’
‘But why?’ Lucy asked, raising her head from my shoulder. ‘She doesn’t have to behave like this. My life was hell for a long time before I came into care. I just wanted to die, so I know how she feels. But she’s safe here, and at some point you have to let go of your anger and move on. You can’t feel sorry for yourself forever.’ Lucy had been through a lot before she came to me two years previously – I tell her story in Will You Love Me?
‘That’s true, but Joss hasn’t reached that stage yet; far from it. She’s harbouring a whole lot of unresolved feelings around her father’s death and her mother remarrying. She feels very rejected.’
Lucy sighed. ‘I know, but how long is this going to go on for?’
A knock sounded on Lucy’s door, and we both looked over as it slowly opened and Adrian poked his head round. ‘Are you two all right?’ he asked, concerned.
‘Yes, thanks, love. We’re OK.’ It was all quiet in Joss’s room now.
‘Paula wants to talk to you when you’re free,’ Adrian said.
‘Please tell her I’ll be with her in a few minutes.’
‘Will do,’ Adrian said, and went out.
‘Joss’s behaviour upsets Paula a lot,’ Lucy said.
I felt even more worried. ‘I’ll talk to her in a moment, but other than keep going as we have been, I’m not sure what else we can do for Joss right now. You’re the same age as her. Have you got any suggestions of how I can help her more?’
‘Not really. I know I was angry about everything that had happened to me, but it came out in different ways. I stopped eating, for one.’
I nodded thoughtfully. Lucy had been anorexic when she’d come to me, but she had recovered now.
‘Could I have done anything differently with you?’ I asked.
‘I don’t think so. You gave me the space and time I needed. I felt safe here, and you were always ready to listen to me when I wanted to talk. You still are.’ She kissed my cheek and I hugged her. ‘Mum, I’ll try to be more patient with Joss, but it’s difficult. Paula and I have welcomed her like a sister, so it makes us really cross when she is horrible to you.’
‘I understand.’
Fostering changes the social dynamics within the family, and the foster child’s age, experience before coming into care, disposition and coping mechanisms all have an effect and create an individual whom the fostering family have to adjust to and accommodate – quickly. Although Lucy was the same age as Joss and knew what it was like to be a foster child, they were very different personalities and at different stages in their lives. I thought it would be best if, for the time being, Lucy put some distance between her and Joss to avoid another flare-up. Lucy certainly wasn’t a violent child, but she was protective of me, and I could see how Joss would wind her up.
‘Lucy, I don’t want you to worry about me, love,’ I said. ‘I appreciate all you’ve done to welcome Joss and help her settle in, but you have your own life to lead, and you’re doing very well. Leave her to me until she’s calmer. I’ll call you if I need your help.’
Lucy threw me a small smile. ‘I think that’s a good idea, or I might do something I later regret.’
‘Good girl. Now you’d better get into bed. It’s late and you’ve got school tomorrow.’
Lucy nodded. ‘I was in bed when I heard Joss kick off.’
I waited until she was back under the covers and then hugged and kissed her goodnight. Reassuring her again that she mustn’t worry about me, I came out and closed her door. I went to Paula’s room next. She was sitting up in bed, using the headboard as a backrest, with her lamp on, and gazing pensively across the room. I went over and she made room for me on the bed, resting her head on my shoulder. We often sat like this for our bedtime chats, but it was getting late – nearly eleven o’clock.
‘You won’t be able to get up in the morning,’ I said gently.
‘I’m not really tired now,’ she said.
‘Try not to let Joss’s behaviour upset you. She’s angry. I don’t take her words personally.’
‘But what I don’t understand is how she can be nice one minute, wanting to play with my doll’s house, and then stomp around and be revolting the next.’ Paula had a really nice doll’s house that she was given as a special present when she was four. Since then she’d bought beautiful furniture for it, so it was really a collector’s piece now. Although she no longer played with it as such, given that she was twelve, it still stood majestically on a small table in the corner of her bedroom where she could see and admire it. I knew Joss liked to play with it, role-playing the family as a much younger child would. She always asked Paula first if she could play with it and Paula always let her.
‘Joss is very confused,’ I said. ‘I’m afraid you’re going to have to try to ignore her mood swings. Don’t take it to heart. She’s had a rough time.’
‘I know. Her dad died and she hates her stepfather,’ Paula said.
‘Does Joss ever talk to you about it?’
‘Not really. But I’ve noticed she never plays with the daddy doll in the house. She hides him in the garage and then plays with the mummy doll and the