‘You had it exactly right,’ the stone said. ‘Well done.’
‘It’s a freaking script,’ I said softly. ‘It’s all acting.’
‘It is an important ceremony that emphasises and enhances your rule over the Northern Heavens and attunes the energy flowing in the palace to your own,’ the stone said. ‘The whole thing is vital to the health of your rule and the Heavens themselves.’
‘That is the biggest load of bull I have ever heard,’ Simone said without opening her eyes.
‘How does the Tiger put up with all this?’ I said.
‘The Tiger revels in it,’ the stone said. ‘Michael’s told you about the Harvest Festival, hasn’t he?’
‘Yeah, he says it’s like the German Oktoberfest,’ Simone said. ‘Just a huge excuse to get drunk.’
‘The Tiger performs many rituals during the three days of the festival to ensure the safety and wellbeing of his family,’ the stone said. ‘Michael would be aware of that if he were further up the hierarchy of sons. For those lower down, it’s just a big party.’
‘It’s kind of disturbing the way they wear cloth patches to indicate their relationship to the Tiger so no incest takes place,’ Simone said. She opened her eyes and grabbed the side of the sedan chair as it lurched particularly violently; one of the carriers had stumbled slightly. ‘I mean, what if they met each other outside the palace and got it on? It’s so wrong.’
The stone hesitated slightly, then said, ‘Is this something that concerns you, Simone?’
She leaned back again, her expression stiff. ‘Maybe.’
‘The tradition of “calling” is a way of avoiding this. Mortals do it to mimic Celestials.’
Simone looked interested. ‘Really? I thought it was just about using the title to show respect.’
‘It’s more than just establishing the pecking order in the family,’ the stone said. ‘It’s a way of confirming exactly how closely you’re related. Junior members of the family greet senior members by “calling” them — Poh Poh, Yeh Yeh, Wai Poh for the grandmother on the mother’s side. They establish themselves immediately so everybody present, from other branches of the family too, can straightaway see where they sit in the family network.’
‘Jade told me a story about that,’ Simone said. ‘When my mother’s parents first came to visit us in Hong Kong, I went up to my grandmother and “called” her — Poh Poh probably; I don’t remember it myself. I was used to “calling” everybody in my family, but it confused them. She just stood there and said “What?”’
‘And you were standing there waiting for the “good girl” response that kids always get when they “call” their grandparents,’ I said with amusement. ‘Culture shock both ways just in the first few words.’
‘So it’s actually a way of establishing links?’ Simone said. ‘I never thought of it that way. I thought of it — like you said — as the “pecking order” in the family.’ She grinned. ‘Human families have it easy. What about your sister’s son who’s a couple of hundred years older than you and also a tree? What do you call him?’
‘Jerk-off,’ I said quietly.
Simone nodded with mock solemnity. ‘Very well, Lady Emma, when I next “call” my nephew, I will greet him as “Jerk-off”.’
I stretched out on the cushioned seat. ‘You won’t have to; I’ll probably already have done it.’
The chair lurched again and I nearly slid off the silk cushions onto the floor. I coiled up again, tightening my grip on the silk. ‘Dammit, I hate these things!’
‘I’m not surprised Daddy bought the car,’ Simone said.
The sedan chair stopped suddenly and I landed on my back on the floor in an undignified heap. I raised my tail to give me the leverage to crawl back onto the cushion but it was too late. The curtains flipped open and there we were: Simone sitting like the princess she was, and me in a three-metre-long tangle at her feet.
The officials had dismounted and stood on either side of the door to escort us out. I flipped so that I was the right way up, shook my head, and slithered out of the chair and onto the pavers in front of the palace.
Yue Gui, Simone’s big sister, and Martin, her big brother, waited for us in the forecourt of the palace. They were dressed in Tang-style silk robes: Martin in black and silver; Yue Gui in pink and gold. They bowed and saluted us. Simone and I stood opposite them and bowed back.
‘Welcome, She Zheng Zhi, Gong Zhu, Regent and Princess,’ Yue Gui said.
‘We thank you, Gong Zhu and Wang Chu, Prince and Princess,’ I said.
‘Jie Jie, Ge Ge,’ Simone said, ‘calling’ her relatives.
‘Mei Mei,’ Yue Gui and Martin both responded with pleasure.
Simone’s shoulders slumped slightly. ‘Can we stop with the formal protocol BS now?’
Martin gave her a quick, friendly hug, then smiled down at her with his hands on her shoulders. ‘Yes, we’re done. Come inside and have some lunch.’
I held back. ‘Is Sang Shen here?’
‘No,’ Yue Gui said, amused by my dislike of her son. ‘He’s still under house arrest at home, serving his sentence.’
The four of us sat at the round, six-seater table with a couple of demon servants to attend us. We were in Martin’s apartments in the palace: a courtyard house attached to the rest of the complex by a breezeway. It was on the western side of the complex, towards the centre, next to the main apartment occupied by Xuan Wu when he was present. The informal dining room had a pleasant aspect over a small garden next to the high internal defensive wall for Xuan Wu’s residence.
‘I could provide you with a variety of different foods, Emma,’ Martin said. ‘It doesn’t have to be alive. Snakes eat dead food too. I’ve seen you eat waffles. Why don’t you just try it?’
‘Just give up, Ge Ge,’ Simone said, sounding bored.
‘My serpent form doesn’t need to eat,’ I said for the millionth time. ‘You should know this yourself, Martin, we reptiles …’ My voice trailed off.
‘Yes. We reptiles,’ Martin said, jumping on the point. He gestured towards Yue Gui. ‘We are all reptiles together. Even Simone has a reptilian form. Do not be ashamed of it! And by the Heavens, Emma, do me the honour of accepting my hospitality while you are in this form!’
‘Well, I don’t need to eat for days on end as serpent,’ I said. ‘The food I eat as a human keeps it satisfied. If I’m going to start eating as a snake, then I’ll try things at home and let you know.’
‘This should be your home,’ Yue Gui said. ‘When the Dark Lord returns, I’m sure it will be.’
‘Is it his home?’ I said.
They were silent at that.
I continued. ‘No, Wudangshan is his home. This is one of his offices. And for me it will be too. For you, this is home. Both of you. And you should be named as rulers together.’
‘That would interfere with the alignment of the Heavens and would not be accepted,’ Martin said stiffly. He relaxed. ‘Father will return, and he will retake his place on the throne of the Northern Heavens.’
‘Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take him to come back?’ Simone said.
Martin and Yue Gui shared a look.
‘You do!’ Simone said.
‘You know they aren’t allowed to tell us mortals the future, Simone,’