Relationship
Paul Evanson and Dana Keller
Copyright © 2013 Paul Evanson
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior consent of the publisher.
The Publisher makes no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any commercial damages.
2013-04-04
Foreword
You may not have time to read this book. With a million other things in life pulling our attentions this way and that—some of them quite real and valuable, like families, jobs, and health, and others maybe not so much—you may not have the time or energy for one more thing. Regardless of which direction or how many you’re being pulled in, it is true that you must choose to spend your time with the awareness and behaviors presented in this book.
Perhaps you already know that:
God created you for an intimate, loving relationship with Him.
This relationship with God is only made complete when we love others.
We build this relationship one interaction at a time.
And, knowing this, you live your life in a way that shows:
- Nothing is more important.
- Everything else is details.
- We are not meant to do this alone.
If you already know these things and live your life in a way that shows it, maybe your time will be better spent somewhere else. But, if, like us and many people we know, you have been living your life doing a million things—having many friendships, building a loving marriage, creating a successful career, serving in your church community—and yet have an inexplicable emptiness or sadness…then maybe, just maybe God will help alleviate that through this book.
We have been there and done that and we are not “there” yet, because there is no “there” in this life. But we chose to begin the journey and are much better off for it. We will share with you what God has shared with us, and perhaps it is time for you to choose to begin as well.
Blessings!
Paul and Dana
Introduction
You are not alone.
You never have been alone.
Your maker did not create and then discard you. Every hair on your head has been numbered by him. He will always be with you because He loves you.
I do not want to minimize the deep, painful loneliness you may have experienced or are experiencing. It’s real because you feel it and loneliness impacts your daily behaviors and ultimately the quality of your life. The debilitating weight of loneliness can make life seem pointless and simply not worth living. You feel irrelevant.
Relationship begets relevance. Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? What is important to me? All of these questions and more are answered through relationship.
We were not meant to live this life alone.
Despite what our culture may tell us, we were not designed to travel through life on earth as independent individuals, succeeding or failing, living and dying by our own strength and wits. People have tried to live their lives this way over centuries of human existence and the result, either inwardly, outwardly or both is always the same—impotence at best and wreckage and ruin at worst.
In His grand design our maker built us with sustenance requirements: air, water, food, shelter, warmth and relationship. Without any one of these we will die. Without air we are good for 3-5 minutes before we begin to die. We can live several days without water before death becomes imminent.
In the same way, when we are deprived of relationship, we begin to die a long, painful death that happens over not minutes or days, but years. The physical, biological and spiritual laws that govern God’s creation are already set in place and determine the timing, cause and effect of our lives.
The kind of relationship God wants with and for us is honest and intimate. He wants us to be in authentic relationships with those around us regardless if it’s a 30-second encounter or one that lasts a lifetime. This kind of relationship is not based on quantity but on quality.
Most of us are starving for authentic relationship. Many people are surrounded by family and friends yet still feel alone and empty. Overcome by our hunger we will resort to anything to meet our need. We’ll “dumpster dive” in any low place where there might be a hint of relationship. We’ll forego other needs like self-respect and integrity to fulfill our relationship hunger yet we find ourselves feeling emptier and even more alone.
Physical starvation occurs in three stages. The first and second are characterized first by discomfort and then pain as the body metabolizes any and all reserves. During these first two stages a person will exchange rational, “civilized” behavior and thought in order to meet their growing need.
In the third and final stage of starvation, however, a person becomes listless, apathetic and withdrawn as their body literally devours its own muscles and vital proteins. Paradoxically, as starvation increases the ability of the body to consume normal volumes of food decreases.
In much the same way, most of us are starving for connection with others yet outwardly appear to be calm, “together” and even happy despite our internal pain and discomfort. The ability to receive love becomes muted. It is only occasionally that someone is so completely starved for authentic relationship that we see their pain because their depression and anxiety have become debilitating. Many times their outward suffering makes us feel uncomfortable and instead of reaching out in an authentic way, we give advice like “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” or “just try to think more positively” or even “I’ll be praying for you” without taking the time to give them the real connection that they are starving for.
So whose fault is this? Where is this God and why doesn’t He help us?
There is nothing good that God doesn’t want you to have. In fact, He has great plans for you.
We are on a journey to become honest, authentic human beings and some of us are going to make it. Others will not.
This universe was created to operate in a specific way, governed by both natural and spiritual laws. To achieve the life God intended for you, you must learn and adapt to those laws. You must take the first step of your journey.
About this book
This book is written in three parts. Part One is an explanation of relationship. It reflects our understanding of what God wants for us during our time on this planet. We collaborated on the content, learning from our experiences of broken ways of operating in our own lives.
Part Two was also written in relationship with others. Each chapter, written by individual contributors, tells a story of relationship played out in the writer’s life.
Though the principles of relationship are simple, they are not easy to apply and these are stories of how relationship or lack thereof has impacted real lives. We think you will find something to relate to in each of the stories in this part of the book
Part Three contains thoughts on the implications for the Church if indeed our primary purpose is to live in relationship. Many of us are thirsting for real community in our places of worship, and churches-despite their best efforts-are coming up short. Two people who have served the Church