There’s a fair chance He may not. And if that turns out to be the case, then what?
The Spotlight Fallacy
“I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape.” Montana Fishburne, Laurence Fishburne’s daughter, on why she is appearing in her own X-rated video.
23 Minutes to Midnight…
There’s no question she was a talented pop artist who captured the imagination of millions, most especially impressionable teens and pre-teens. Following her first marriage, which lasted an astounding 55 hours, she married a struggling rap artist whom she let impregnate her just as another woman was giving birth to one of his babies. Shortly after having her second child, the pop diva informed her unworthy man (by text message, no less) that she wanted a divorce. Then, leaving her underwear behind, the diva hopped into a limousine with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, and gallivanted about L.A. for the next couple of nights—the paparazzi snapping photos of her bare crotch just as fast as their little shutters would click. The whole escapade prompted the New York Post to fire off a front page photo of the three, along with this caustic headline:
BIMBO SUMMIT1
Brandy Navarre, of the Celebrity rag X17, appeared on Fox News in January of 2008. “I think it’s like the best reality show going,” she said. “It’s an A-list celebrity with the most drama you can imagine…You see this inconceivable drama unfolding in front of your eyes. No one can believe, every day, what she does. And no one can predict what she’s going to do next.”
Navarre was right. There was more to come. The individual in question checked herself into a rehab facility, but left after one day. Hours later, she turned up in a San Fernando Valley tattoo joint and shaved her head. Soon it was back to rehab and then out again—all the while sporting a Star of David necklace. (A quick note to my Jewish friends: 1. It’s your turn. You can have her. 2. You guys may as well take her because the rest of us have been unable to do anything with her. 3. Zol zion mit Mazel— For those of you that aren’t Jewish, that’s Yiddish for Good Luck). Then it was back to rehab and out again. She slammed her car into a parked vehicle while visiting a pet store one afternoon. She didn’t even pause to consider the damage she’d caused to the other car before she sauntered off. Finally, she stole a cigarette lighter from a convenience store in plain view of the ravenous paparazzi. Her divorce attorney gave up on her. Her publicist promptly followed suit. The custody of her two children went to the washed-up rapper.
The story of Britney Spears is very real. One hundred of the top fiction writers our country has to offer couldn’t concoct a story like this. But while we’re at it, I think we’d better have a look at Spears’ cohorts during those Los Angeles nights in question: Lohan and Hilton.
Lohan is a notorious party girl who’s done a few Disney films. We do know a thing or two about this young woman: 1. She has asthma. 2. Excessive partying makes the condition worse. 3. When the asthma acts up she must seek medical assistance at the ER. 4. She continues to party anyway. 5. She could probably party in her sleep. 6. She admitted to having an alcohol problem and entered rehab—all before she’d even reached the legal drinking age. While there, however, she decided she missed two things: McDonalds and sex. 7. She continues to party. 8. She was taken to the woodshed, by one studio executive, over her late night escapades and tardiness to work—a pattern that has continued while she was playing the role of Elizabeth Taylor in a made-for-television production. 9. She probably wishes I would just shut up and party. 10. She continues to pop in and out of rehab, looking frighteningly skinny. 11. She’s most likely number one on every dead pool list from Thule, Greenland to Ushuaia, Argentina.
Paris Hilton would be the Franklin D. Roosevelt of this prestigious summit; she hails from aristocracy, as did FDR. We also know a few things about her: 1. Unlike the other heads of state, many of us are still trying to figure out just what talent, if any, Hilton has. 2. She was born into fame and wealth and did absolutely nothing to earn either one. 3. There’s a pretty racy porno circulating out there starring the hotel heiress. 4. Many who have actually met Hilton describe her as self-absorbed, arrogant and stuck-up. 5. She parties with Lohan and Spears. 6. She has really white teeth. 7. She has a very small dog. 8. Unlike FDR, she has demonstrated no willingness to serve her country. 9. She’s been to prison. 10. She looks fairly presentable in prison garb.
If you lived during the 1970s, you might remember the Flying Wallendas and their heart-stopping, death-defying and sometimes hair-brained high-wire acts. I can still see old Karl Wallenda walking the wire between the Eden Roc and Fontainebleau hotels on Miami Beach on a blustery night in 1977. My father and I watched it on the black and white Zenith in our family room. Wallenda, Dad was quick to point out, had no net beneath him, just cold, hard cement below. Jeez, this guy could fall right here on national television, I remember thinking. I was only twelve and not at all ready to see something like that. God how I held my breath and kept my eyes glued to that Zenith. It took him a while (the network kept cutting away for commercials) but Wallenda finally made it across. I breathed a sigh of relief. “Hope he never tries that again,” I said, exhaling. My father chuckled, assuring me that Wallenda would be revisiting the high-wire again and soon. But why, I wanted to know? Why take that kind of risk? “He can’t help it,” answered my father. “It’s in his blood. It’s who he is.” On March 22, 1978, one year after Miami Beach, Karl Wallenda attempted another walk, this time in Puerto Rico, at the age of 73. I don’t think I have to go into any details. You can figure out the rest for yourself and view the 27 second video on Google.
I get a Wallenda-like feeling, in the pit of my stomach, whenever I read about or watch the ongoing exploits of Lindsey Lohan and the Spears Family. They, too, conduct their lives like proverbial high-wire acts, while the rest of us gawk up at them in amazement while we wonder if there’s a shred of common sense among them. And every time we think we’ve seen the last of the high-wire histrionics, along comes more. And then more still.
Britney and Lindsay are the experts, the Karl Wallendas of their respective families. They’ve been up on those wires for some time now—trekking back and forth between hotels, balancing on one foot, even hanging by their teeth. Between the two of them, there have been multiple run-ins with the law. Open defiance in court. Pregnancies. Divorces. Custody hearings. Weight gains. Scary weight losses. Stints in rehab. Chugging purple monsters– a cocktail consisting of vodka, NyQuil and Red Bull. Two 5150 Holds—mandatory detentions in a psychiatric detox tank—and emergency trips to the hospital, with a dozen police motorcycles, several cruisers and two helicopters paving the way. Even the little sister, Jamie Spears, has grabbed a balance pole and jumped up there on the wire. So precocious, she took on a lover in her early teens and became a mother the same year she got her first driver’s license. But Momma Lynne might just take the Wallenda cake. She knew of the boyfriend and the sexcapades—much of it reportedly happening under her roof and with her blessings. After hearing of the daughter’s pregnancy, Momma Lynne immediately orchestrated a million dollar deal with OK! Magazine for an exclusive story and all the photos they cared to snap of the child mother and her newborn. The only thing this quartet hasn’t done is release a porno.
Maybe not but Kim Kardashian sure has. Pundits claim this woman has no talent. I’m not sure I agree with that. Anyone who can score her own reality television show, get paid serious money for her inane tweets and capture that much tabloid ink, week-in and week-out, has got to have talent. Somewhere. I’m baffled as to how Kardashian does it, but she does it—porno, sham marriage to an NBA player,