Now, where am I going with all of this? Let me introduce you to possibly the lamest excuse for allowing teenage drinking in one’s home:
I’d rather they drink in my home than some place where they can get hurt or killed. At least I can see them and monitor the situation.
Extrapolating this logic ad ridiculum, I have a number of suggestions.
First, purchase every drop of liquor yourself. This way you’ll be certain that no date rape drugs, such as GHB or Ruhypnol, will find their way into the booze supply. Next, take the car keys from your guests as they arrive at your home. When all the youths have assembled for your little experiment, begin a mandatory ten minute Power Point presentation on safe drinking. Now you’ll want to guard against any frolicking behavior; after all, sex and booze are kissing cousins. Watch that all articles of clothing remain attached to their respective owners at all times. Be smart and hire private security guards to watch for theft, fighting and vandalism. When someone starts to get sloppy drunk, cut them off. Provide a safe vomiting area in the back yard. Circulate among your guests, demonstrating the proper etiquette for alcohol consumption. Hire a crack squad of designated drivers to get the intoxicated youths home safely. Better yet, have them spend the night. And finally, after it’s all over, pat yourself on the back for your ingenuity. Tell yourself what a cool and hip parent you are.
Imagine you are a frequent business flyer, someone who is in the sky just about every week of the year. Just prior to boarding a flight for Chicago one morning, the smiling gate attendant reminds you that your travel is not without risks. Given all the flights you take each year, there’s a 10-15% chance one of the aircraft will develop complications while en route. “The cabin of one of these planes,” she says, “could lose pressure at 30,000 feet. A hydraulic system might develop problems like that United DC-10 out at Sioux City years ago. Who knows? Maybe a tire will blow on take-off and you’ll have to make an emergency landing. Of course one of these planes could…well, we won’t go there.” Boarding pass in hand, you stare down the carpeted jet way. Do you go? How about it?
You’re a theme park junkie, bouncing back and forth between Disney, Universal and Six Flags several times a year. You challenge every thrill ride you can find. You’ve just strapped yourself in and are ready to take on that imposing boardwalk rollercoaster you’ve heard so much about. The carney guy snaps up your ticket and grunts that all these people who frequent rollercoasters during the year have a 10-15% chance of getting stuck at the very top for hours. Of course, one of these cars could derail. “Don’t worry, sport,” he says. “Eighty-five to ninety percent chance ain’t nothin’ gonna happen in a year’s time. If you had cancer, them would be dern good odds for recovery, dontcha think?” He pulls the lever. Your car jerks to a start and clanks forward. You’re on your way.
If you’re like me, I doubt you would take those odds. I know, with the airport example, I’d turn right around and head for my car. And then for the Greyhound station. And that rollercoaster? Mr. Carney worker will have to find himself a new customer. Ten to fifteen percent failure rate—even in the course of a calendar year is too much for me. Where have we heard this before? Condoms, that’s where.1
Take the issue of birth control. If we were to rely on condoms, over the course of a year, the chance we’d end up pregnant would be in the neighborhood of 10-15%.2 I’ve read a couple of estimates that bump that figure up as high as 18-21%.3 Just look at the many ways condoms can fail.
Manufacturing defects- Some are so minute, they are virtually undetectable. Storage- Condoms must be stored at room temperature and away from ultraviolet radiation. Can you retrace the exact storage history, from the manufacturer to the store and all points in between, of that condom you’re about to put your trust in? Transportation Risks- Storing condoms in the glove compartment of a hot or extremely cold automobile is unwise. Some carry them in their back pocket—the same pocket they sit on and put their full weight on. Tearing Open the Package- Condoms are very delicate and can be torn as the packaging is ripped open. Rolling on the Condom- Many condoms suffer minute tears as their users stretch them into place. During sex- Some condoms rip, tear or come apart during sex. Ideally, they should only be used for a couple of minutes and then immediately discarded. Withdrawal- The condom (especially among people who do not know one another well) is a potential bio-hazard.
What about the risks of contracting a sexually transmitted disease while using a condom? That’s a good question. And there is no exhibition season when it comes to sex. If a person is playing the game, he/she is subject to all the rules—regardless of whether he/she is 13 or 63. And consider this: a sperm cell is roughly 1-2 microns in size. Compare that to the virus that causes AIDS—0.1 microns.4 Diane Dew, in her March 16, 1995 article “Condom ‘Safe Sex’ Theory Full of Holes”, writes:
“Even intact condoms have naturally occurring defects (tiny holes penetrating the entire thickness) measuring five to 50 microns in diameter—50 to 500 times the size of the HIV virus, writes C. Michael Roland, head of the Polymer Properties Section at the Naval Research Laboratory in Washington, D.C. and editor of Rubber Chemistry and Technology, in a published letter to the Washington Times. [In other words, just as rubber tires, over time, lose air, condoms (manufactured of the same product, rubber) also are porous.]
“’…the rubber comprising latex condoms has intrinsic voids about 5 microns (0.0002 inches) in size,’ Roland states. ‘Contrarily, the AIDS virus is only 0.1 micron (4 millionths of an inch) in size. Since this is a factor of 50 smaller than the voids inherent in rubber, the virus can readily pass through the condom.’
“In addition, condom manufactures allow 0.4 percent of any given batch to be defective, before a recall is ordered.”5
Just listen to what the American Medical Association’s Family Medical Guide says about condoms: “Condoms are easy to obtain and widely available. They come in a variety of designs, some of which may increase sexual arousal. Also, wearing a condom gives some protection against sexually transmitted diseases. There are some drawbacks, however…”
Some drawbacks?
Admitting that condoms only provide “some protection against sexually transmitted diseases” is certainly a drawback—a big drawback. So here’s a question. Why do some parents toss condoms at their kids, as they’re heading out the door on a Friday night, and tell them to be careful? Are they not informed as to the risks of condom use? Do they not think their son or daughter will contract Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Chlamydia, Hepatitis or HIV? Or, God forbid, all of them at once? Do they not think their son or daughter will end up parents long before they’re ready? I would ask these parents to consider the moral implications of sexual activity at that age. Unfortunately, many of them are simply thinking of physical safety but pay no attention to moral safety.
This is the Safety/Safe Supervision fallacy in all its glory. Some parents adopt a defeatist mentality: You can’t stop them. They’re going to have sex anyway. So, you might as well hand them a box of condoms. This is the passive parent’s lament: There’s no way to stop the determined teenager. So, they take the easy way out.
There’s another brand of parent operating under the convenient guise of this fallacy: The Spoiler. This parent could not say ‘no’ to their child if his very life depended on it (see the 12th Hour to Midnight: Quick and Easy Steps to Raising a Brat). They give the child everything he/she desires. And when this child reaches fifteen or sixteen, just be prepared. I want a car. I’m ready to have sex. Put me on the pill. I’m staying out all night. I don’t want to pick up around the house. Why can’t I drink? You do! I need more condoms. I’m not going to church; it’s boring. Is this all I’m getting for Christmas?
Here’s some advice for the parents who allow their kids to be sexually active. I apologize, in advance for the sarcasm, but it’s the only way to get through to some people.
Purchase the condoms yourself and store them at room temperature. If you have a daughter,