Anne Wilson Schaef
We are ‘we’ before we are ‘I’. John Bradshaw
“I can’t find myself.” “I’ve got to find myself.” “PLEASE! Help me find my self.”
These words were often heard and repeated throughout the 1970’s. They were commonly represented as examples of a sense of self absorption by members of the so-called Me Generation. And they became the object of ridicule and jokes in the media. However humorous they may seem, the basic concept they expressed is a very important one for moving towards happiness, joy, and love in our lives. None of us can go anywhere without bringing our self along.
Too many of us seem to be searching for something “out there” to make our lives complete. We feel alienated, lonely and empty. No matter what we do or have, we never feel fulfilled. Susan Jeffers
In the 1940s and 50s the concept of “self” became associated with two respected researchers, Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow. Carl Rogers posited that each of us is born with an organismic self, but that we lose track of that self as our self concept is created. That self concept is developed through the environment in which we grow. So, the adults and others in our life teach us, in part, who we are. The natural self, in tune with the universe, is partially or totally lost to us if those around us do not act with unconditional positive regard for us--showing us through their actions that we are intrinsically okay. If that doesn’t happen, then we grow up being out of touch with our “self” or living with this dis-ease because of the incongruence created by the contrast between who we feel we are deep inside and who we’ve been taught we are. So, yes, to have a chance at happiness, according to Rogers, we need to either find our self, or come to some kind of satisfying peace with that inner organismic self.
Abraham Maslow developed the notion of a hierarchy of needs. He argued that there were levels of needs that must be satisfied before we could move on to the next level of needs, eventually getting to the levels of an actualized self and a transcendent self, which is where he suggested we could find happiness. The lower levels are involved in pursuing what he termed deficiency needs. The upper levels are called growth needs.
The four lower levels are:
1)Physiological: hunger, thirst, basic physical comforts, etc.
2)Safety/security: not having to experience danger.
3)Belongingness and Love: affiliation with others, being accepted.
4)Esteem: to achieve, be competent, gain approval and recognition.
Level 1.The argument goes that before we can focus on anything else, we first must be fed and be free from thirst, be sheltered, and have the other basic physical needs met.
When I was a teenaged poet, lecturing my mother and father on how empty their working class lives were, my mother had a constant refrain that served as a defense of her life and a caution for mine. “If it’s so good, put the money on the table.”
If it’s so good, put the money on the table. To my mother, whose family had lived in a tent in a municipal park for months during the great depression, who, with her brother, stole apples from the fruit stand so her family could eat, it was very clear that if you couldn’t pay your way in the society, nothing else could matter.
Level 2.So if we have enough to eat and a place to stay, we also must then be able to feel safe. If we’re witnessing violence or are the target of it, it is hard to focus on much else.
In West Africa there is a belief that to be harsh with a child is to cause the soul to retreat from the body. Liberating our bodies from images and actions bent on destroying the soul means determining for ourselves a definition of life free from internalized misogyny and inferiority.
K. Louise Schmidt
My client, Ray, described what it was like after school at home. We, my older brother and me, played in the dining room, on the floor with our trucks or our soldiers while my mother made dinner. The radio or the TV was usually on. I remember laughing and rough housing, but always listening. And then finally it would come. I could hear his car door slam and my stomach would turn. I could hardly breathe. Ricky’s eyes would get big. We would grab everything and scramble up the stairs, into our room. Sometimes I’d go right to the closet and get on the floor, bury myself in the dirty clothes. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be hurt again. And I knew I couldn’t stop him.
Maria, a student at the alternative high school where I worked many years ago, told me how she used to get in trouble at her elementary school for not having her hair brushed, or having her hands and face washed. She couldn’t explain to her earlier teachers, but she explained to me that her mother sat at a table in the kitchen every morning, and Maria had to pass that table on her way to the bath-room to get ready for school. Most mornings her mother was either still drunk or severely hung over. Most mornings as Maria vainly attempted to pass her, her mother would reach out and grab her by the hair, and pull her to the floor and scream at her for some real or imagined trespass. Sometimes she would beat her with a brush. Maria eventually cut all her hair off so it would be more difficult for her mother to grab her.
Ray and Maria would both have a hard time focusing on much besides their fear each day, so it certainly would be difficult for them to focus on the next level.
Some things a child might like to hear: Super job, marvelous, terrific, that’s incredible! How nice. Beautiful! Remarkable bravo! I knew you could do it! Outstanding! You are really something, Well done. I trust you. You brighten my day. You’re a treasure. Awesome! You’re so kind! What an imagination! You’re precious. You’re important. I love you. You’re a hard worker. Great work. You’ll get it. Thank you. Please.
Level 3.Human beings have been called herd animals in terms of affiliation needs. To be okay, most of us must feel connected to a small band of others. In our culture this is usually family, friends, small social groupings. The important issue is that we feel accepted by those around us.
Other things children might like:
A big smile.
A big hug.
A big kiss.
John grew up in a home with a mom who was 43 and dad who was 60 when John was born. They were both immigrants from Eastern Europe. They didn’t trust their neighbors, and wouldn’t allow John to have a friend in the neighborhood or at school. He was not allowed to go inside anyone’s house, and no one was allowed in his home. There was almost no talking in the home, no expression of emotion. If he committed even the most minor infraction, there would be severe corporal punishment by either parent. They had to approve any book or magazine that John brought into the home. He was never allowed to close the door to his room. No modern music could be played in the home. As a teenager, John had a 9pm curfew through high school.
That didn’t much matter, John explained to me, Since I was too afraid to talk to anyone, and when someone talked to me I never knew how to act.
Predictably, John found himself unable to form affiliations with any peers, and was unable to feel connected to anyone. He never experienced the sense of belonging with others. So would it be any wonder that John could not move to the next level on the hierarchy?
What did you hear from your caregivers? What do you wish you heard? What have you said to your children?
Level 4. FINALLY, to move to the upper levels of Maslow’s hierarchy we must first believe that we are competent in some way that is valued by our group. We must feel like we are able to accomplish things that we believe are necessary. It is only then that we can al-low ourselves to focus on our growth needs.
Laura, who probably suffered from some form of Attention Deficit Disorder, was told by parents, teachers, and early friends, because her attention span was so short, that she was “dumb.” Her mother and her teachers constantly criticized her work, and she eventually dropped out of high school.