After the listener sets your car on fire, maybe you’ll figure out what the problem was.
I was only expressing my feelings.
As you can see, it’s important to not pollute the process. When done properly, expressing your feelings will help you get what you want, not start a fire. I’ve included an abbreviated quiz, at the end of the chapter, about direct statements of feeling, given to me over thirty years ago by David Pointer. Using what you’ve read here, see if you can pick out the direct statements.
THE FOURTH STEP is usually the scariest for most of us. It is scarier for many women because you’ve usually been taught not to directly ask for what you want. This step is really based on a very simple concept. If I want some-thing from you, asking for it is the most efficient way to increase the likelihood I‘m going to get it. Picture yourself walking into a fast food restaurant. You would like to be served a soda. Rather than asking the person behind the cash register for a soda, you stand there. How quickly do you think she or he will figure out what you want and give it to you? Now you can attempt to get the message across indirectly by per-haps licking your lips. You could say something to the person who’s just picked up a drink at the counter, loud enough that the employee will hear. Boy, I bet that soda tastes really good. It certainly is possible that over a period of time you could come up with enough indirect actions that the employee, if she or he had the time and patience, would come to understand what you wanted from them. It seems to me, how-ever, that it would be a lot easier and quicker to say directly, I’d like a large soda, please.
I’m sure you see how difficult it would be for the employee to figure out what you want. That employee even has the advantage of working from a limited list of choices (whatever’s on the menu) S/he does not even have to consider any of the myriad of options that humans have in normal intercourse with each other. It certainly can often be much more difficult to figure out what your friend/brother/mother/ sister/partner might want in any given situation, without them telling you directly. Unfortunately, we spend a lot of time guessing or assuming because we don’t know.
If we look at the story told by group member, Jack, above, and we examine Jack’s wife‘s reported response to his hint about being sure she washed everything when she came upstairs with the clothes, we can see the ineffectiveness in action. Indirectness is usually ineffective at helping us get what we want. Even when it works, it is extremely inefficient because of the likelihood of misunderstanding inherent in the process. Remember, it is your job…..
So let’s review the stories of Jack, April, and Roger with the four steps of getting what you want in mind.
1. Get in touch with what I feel.
2. Get clear about what I want from this person in this situation.
3. Make a direct statement of feeling.
4. Ask for what I want.
Members of the men’s support group immediately complimented Jack on his action to take a time out when he was feeling his anger rising. It’s his job to do whatever is necessary to make sure he doesn’t behave in any way that might intimidate or bully his partner. The group challenged him, how-ever, on his frustrating indirectness and what was identified as passive-aggressive behavior with the dog feces. They told him that they didn’t believe that it was simply an indirect way to ask for what he wanted. Rather, he was trying to punish his wife. After some discussion, Jack acknowledged that they were right, and promised to apologize to his wife as soon as possible.
Knowing the four steps, what would you have felt? What would you have wanted from your partner? What would you have done or asked for, if you were Jack? When would you have done it?
April wanted to punch her sister because She’s just so selfish!
So what do you think April was feeling? Was this just about her sister refusing to go tonight? There’s actually no way for us or Denise to know, since April hasn’t identified what’s actually going on with her. What might you feel in the circumstances? Knowing the four steps, what might you want from Denise? What would you have done or asked for, if you were April? When would you have done it?
Roger seems to be in touch with his feelings about his friend and neighbor not paying back what she owes him. Although it’s been over a month since he lent her the money, he reports feeling hurt and angry since last night. What would you feel? When would you have started feeling it? Keeping in mind the four steps, what would you have said? What would you have done?
When I present these four steps in workshops or in session to clients I often hear that the participants have tried to be assertive, but it doesn’t work. When the speaker is questioned closely, it usually turns out that they have not followed these four steps. Certainly, however, there will be times when no matter how assertive we are, we will not get what we want from another person. That’s life. We all know the ancient wisdom--
You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime/ you just might find/you get what you need. Jagger & Richards
Sometimes the other person may retreat to some behaviors to avoid responding directly to your request, or might have some legitimate issues that block their willingness to positively respond.
Three methods that help us get what we want:
(After we are sure we have openly listened)
A. Circle: No matter where the other speaker takes you, always bring the conversation back around to but right now what I would like from you is…
B. Acceptance: Sometimes a speaker may bring up something you have done in the past as an indirect rationale for not being willing to accommodate your request. If you believe the essence of what they are saying is true, it’s important to acknowledge and accept what they’ve said, and offer to discuss it further with them, and be willing to schedule a time to do so, but right now…
C. Acknowledgement: Sometimes a speaker may bring up something they say you have done as an indirect rationale for not accommodating your request. Even if you believe this to be untrue or if you’re uncertain of the facts, you must respect-fully acknowledge the other person’s position, and then express a willingness to discuss the matter at another time. Be willing to suggest a specific time to discuss their grievance, but right now….
Let’s look at an example of this process in action.
LeBron lives with his roommate, Kobe. They alternate each week between taking out the garbage and washing the dishes. This has been Kobe’s week to wash the dishes, but he has hardly done them, and it’s late Thursday afternoon. LeBron has his new special friend coming over tonight.
LeBron: Dude, I’ve got somebody special coming in a couple hours and I’m feeling kind of anxious (direct statement of feeling) that this place is not going to be cleaned up. Would you please take care of the dishes (asking for what he wants).
Kobe: Awh Man, I’m busy right now with this game. Why don’t you do ‘um?
LeBron: Well, this is your week, and you’ve let them pile up. Besides, I’m busy cleaning the other rooms.
Kobe: Look, I’m always cleaning up after you. You haven’t taken out the garbage all week, but I’m not giving you a hard time.
LeBron: I’m sorry if you’ve had to clean up after me, and I’d be happy to talk to you about the garbage another time(acceptance), but right now, I’d like you to do what you’ve agreed to do this week, and get the dishes done before Savannah comes over (circle).
Kobe: Man, you are always getting’ into my