1.We’re not used to communicating our needs or desires directly.
2.We’re afraid to create a headache for the other person.
3.We’re afraid of a possible conflict.
4.We’re too overwhelmed; we just can’t handle facing anything else.
5.We don’t believe our needs or desires are important enough.
6.We don’t believe we deserve to get what we want.
7.We believe we’re destined to be hurt or disappointed.
The first of these challenges can be met by simply acting. The more we practice a new skill, the more natural it becomes.
2.We’re afraid to create a headache for the other person.
Because we are all brought up in this dysfunctional dominator society, many of us learn to become overly involved in trying to figure out what’s going on inside another person’s head. We get caught up in doing their inventory. For us to have a chance to get what we want, we must allow the other person to take care of themselves.
3.We’re afraid of a possible conflict.
Many of us associate any kind of potential dis-agreement or confrontation with anger and even threat of violence. Often that’s because we’ve grown up in environments where that was the norm, or we’ve lived in relationships with friends or partners who bullied their way through dis-agreements. Research has shown, however, that most of us, most of the time, will not respond in an intimidating or angry manner to someone telling us how they feel, and what they want.
4.We’re too overwhelmed; we just can’t handle facing anything else.
So many of our sensory systems are over-stimulated. We’re working more hours and sleeping fewer hours day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. Often some of us feel as though we just can’t face one more emotionally difficult situation, and of course, we fear that asserting ourselves just might create that. Actually, once in a while it might, but if you assert yourself, using “I” statements and feeling words, and ask for what you want, you will usually simply increase satisfaction and decrease stress.
5.We don’t believe our needs or desires are important enough.
6.We don’t believe we deserve to get what we want.
7.We believe we’re destined to be hurt or disappointed.
Our childhood messages have sealed the deal. So many of us just have been taught that our needs are not important compared to others. We’re also taught that we are not worthy, not good enough to deserve satisfaction or happiness. We’ve been hurt or disappointed in so many ways that we believe we can’t possibly have a successful interaction where we actually get what we want. Disappointment and hurt simply are our destiny.
Well, here’s the news:
You
Deserve
To
Be happy
Just because people have hurt you or not treated you right in the past, doesn’t mean you deserved the treatment or are destined forever to be hurt or disappointed. You will increase your chances for happiness, though, by practicing the universal rule:
It is my job to make it as easy as possible for the other person to give me what I want.
A Couple Final Notes
Be sure to KISS a lot. No, I don’t mean lip and tongue touching with another, although it certainly can be fun to do that a lot, too.
You may have heard of a slightly different version of this:
K eep
I t
S imple,
S weetie
Sometimes people use another word instead of Sweetie, but it’s important to be nice, to be sweet, to yourself if you want your self-instruction to be fully effective.
When asserting yourself, try not to beat around the bush with explanations or long stories. More than one of two sentences before you start stating your feelings or asking for what you want, will cause people to become defensive or impatient.
Remember, It is my job to make it as easy….
Based on the work of Sam Deep and Lyle Sussman, I suggest a few more things to consider:
1.When you feel wronged, name it as soon as realistically possible. Delaying it only causes the eventual conversation to be more difficult.
2. Realize that when you don’t name your feelings, you are contributing to the destruction of the relationship. Sublimated feelings don’t disappear. You’ll begin acting negatively toward this person for reasons that neither of you may readily understand.
3. Never assume someone is trying to hurt you when their actions can be explained by incompetence--give them credit for being ignorant or insensitive. By being assertive, you may help them identify behavior they might be quite willing to change.
4. If you get a bad reaction to asserting yourself, analyze the experience. Learn from the result, and decide if you could do a better job next time. Don’t take the experience as proof that you should never assert yourself with anyone again.
OH, by the way, it is almost never too late to be assertive. Just because you couldn’t speak up when you would have liked, doesn’t mean you can’t do it
Now.
NOW
Direct Statement of Feelings Quiz
(D=Direct. I=Indirect)
1.Shut Up! Not another word out of you!
2.I’m beginning to resent your interruptions.
3.You’re a wonderful person.
4.I feel you are a wonderful person.
5.You didn’t come to see me in the hospital.
6.I’m discouraged.
7.I feel this job is miserable.
8.I feel alone and isolated in my group.
9.We all like this quiz.
10.I am frustrated by this weird quiz.
Answers: 1-I, 2-D, 3-I, 4-I, 5-I, 6-D, 7-I, 8-D, 9-I, 10-D.
More Gratitude: I’m grateful to Omar Vizquel, Robbie Alomar, and Kenny Lofton for their ballet on the field. I’m grateful to Victor for friendship and for helping me spark. I’m grateful to Amos, my colleague of over twenty years in the quest to help men become allies to women. Grateful to Bud Stern for guidance. To my clients for their trust, for the men who committed to the groups, for all the women who have tolerated and taught me. I’m grateful to the healers who grace the planet with their spirit and their love. I’m grateful for Lake Erie (into which I regularly flow), for stevia, flax seeds, and any plants I can enjoyably eat. I’m grateful to Jackie Wilson, Buddy Ebsen, Eleanor Powell, the Nicholas Brothers, Fred Astaire, and my dad for their moves. I’m grateful to Zann and Michael Franti & Spearhead for helping me car dance everyday….
I CAN’T FIND MYSELF
The stories we tell ourselves, particularly the silent or barely audible ones, are very powerful. One must open the window to see them, the door to possibility.
Susan Griffin
We become what we behold.
Marshall McLuhan
Probably the most important journey we will ever take is the journey inward. Unless we know who we are,