Kobe: Yeah right. You’re always sayin’ you’re gunna talk about stuff, but you never do.
LeBron: I’m really sorry you think that way. I don’t know about the past, but I’ll tell you right now, I’m willing to talk about anything you need to talk about. (acknowledgement) Let’s figure out a time when we’re both available to sit down, while you’re startin’ the dishes (circle).
Kobe: Okay, man, as soon as I finish the game.
Remember, there will always be some people who just will not be willing to do what you request, but most of us, most of the time, unless we have some unfinished business, will tend to want to oblige someone who is letting us know how they feel and what they want.
Does this sound easy to you?
Difficult?
Impossible?
If it does sound difficult, I can promise you that it will get easier and easier to do as you more frequently do it.
HERE’S ANOTHER RULE
It is your right to say No.
WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO. That includes you.
Repeat this thirty times today: I have the right to say No. I have the right to say no. I have the right to say no. I have the right to say no….
If you are someone who has a problem saying “No,”
Remember to give yourself the space you need to make a decision, even if the other person wants an immediate answer from you.
“No.”
“No thank you. Not right now.”
“No, I’d rather not.”
“I’m not sure, but if you need an answer at this moment, then the answer will have to be no.”
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO.
While saying yes is a wonderful opening to the universe, saying No, when it’s in your best interest, can really be a lot of fun, too. FUN!? Riding a bicycle is fun for most of us, but it was also quite difficult for many of us to get used to doing it. Many of us would not call falling down and skinning our elbows and knees fun while we learned the riding--a--bike skill. This is just as true as we trip or stumble practicing the saying--No skill; however, with practice, you’ll be having fun, and contributing to a profound revolution.
To hold the word no in my mouth like a gold coin, something valued, something possible. To teach the no to our daughters. To value their no more than their compliant yes. To celebrate no. To hold the word no in your fist and refuse to give it up. To support the woman who says, no, no, no. I will not. To love the no. To cherish the no, which is so often our first word. No--the means to transformation. Louise Edrich
While YES is most certainly the answer to the question of life, the yes means nothing if we don’t experience the power to say
NO
I’ve included a partial list of rights here. After you read it, see how many you can add. Just keep in mind the caveat, “But I do not have the right to intimidate, manipulate, emotionally, physically, or sexually abuse another person.” As long as the rights you list don’t do that, they can only help you and those around you to respect both you and themselves.
BECAUSE I AM ALIVE, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO:
Ask for what I want.
Have my needs be as important as the needs of others.
Take pride in my age and experience.
Be myself.
Say I don’t know.
Feel and express anger.
Be believed.
But I do not have the right to intimidate, manipulate, emotionally, physically, or sexually abuse another person.
Make mistakes.
Have my opinions given respect.
Offer no justification for my actions or opinions.
Grow and learn.
Have privacy and personal space.
Say I don’t understand.
Say No.
But I do not have the right to intimidate, manipulate, emotionally, physically, or sexually abuse another person.
Tell someone my needs.
Make illogical decisions.
Judge my own behavior, feelings, and thoughts.
Change my mind.
Say I don’t agree.
Be proud of my accomplishments.
Trust my feelings, perceptions, judgments, and intuition.
And…..
But I do not have the right to intimidate, manipulate, emotionally, physically, or sexually abuse another person.
CHALLENGES
So, let’s say you’ve practiced the assertiveness techniques over and over, yet when you need to use them you don’t. I suppose if I knew how to read a compass or use a GPS device but never left my house, my GPS and compass reading skills wouldn’t be very useful to me. I also might be quite rusty and somewhat unfamiliar with the most useful ways to utilize these tools if I didn’t often use them in the real world. We produce a similar situation with our assertiveness skills if we don’t allow ourselves the opportunity to use them.
Recognize that being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Assertiveness is insisting that you be heard; aggressiveness is insisting that you get your way. Not everyone should get their way, but everyone--including you--should be heard.
Sam Deep & Lyle Sussman
Like so much we’re told, it’s a lot easier said than done. Numerous clients, students, workshop participants, and friends have explained to me that if they don’t like themselves, if they’re afraid of conflict, if they think their feelings are not important enough, if they don’t want to create complications for another, it doesn’t matter how well they know the assertiveness steps, they’re not going to use them.
Many of us operate out of what’s known as a codependent position. Before we react to some-one’s behavior, we have to examine their motives. The idea seems to be, if I can understand why someone is jumping up and down on my toe, I can tolerate the pain. While in some very specific circumstances this might be of some value, overwhelmingly, our lives will be much more satisfying and fulfilling if we simply stay focused on what our own needs and desires are, and commit to communicating those to the other person.
“I don’t know why you’re jumping up and down on my toe, but it hurts. Please stop it.”
“But you don’t understand!”
“Maybe not, but you’re hurting my toe, and I’m leaving if you don’t stop immediately.”
There’s nothing inherently counter-productive in being willing to discuss the other person’s motives AFTER they have stopped doing the thing that hurts you.
Sometimes it’s easier for us to get this when we are thinking of another’s wellbeing. If you see your young child is hitting the dog with a stick, you don’t inquire about her/his motives; you act. After you’ve prevented further harm, you may choose to enter into a conversation. Remember to do the