7 Make a U-turn. If you are lost in addictive behaviors or unhealthy habits or relationships, you need to find the next street where you can make a U-turn and head in the opposite direction. Once you’ve discovered that you’re going the wrong way, making a U-turn as soon as possible may save your life.
TWO
Time to Recalibrate
Defining Your Destiny
IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER, we looked at ways we get lost and people or things we may have gotten lost in. We also reflected in our journals about what ways we personally have felt lost and how we’ve coped with it thus far. We’ve decided not to be like Stubborn Sams and others who stay stuck. This is good news, because admitting that we’re lost and choosing to do something about it are two necessary components to getting unlost. In this chapter we’re going to look at how to recalibrate our routes so we’re back on track—back on the journey to an amazing life!
First, you’re going to need to make some decisions about the journey you want to make. As with any trip, it’s important to start with the fundamentals: Where would you like to go? How long will it take you to get there? What route will you take? Whom are you taking with you? What are you expecting out of the journey? You may find it helpful to write down these questions in your Amazing Life notebook and leave some room for the answers. We’ll take some time to think more about and answer these critical questions a little bit later, but before you begin thinking about the actual journey, you need to think about you, the driver, and about what motivates you.
The Man/Woman in the Mirror
Who Are You?
When you look in the mirror, do you have a clear indication of who is looking back at you? How much soul searching have you done to discover who you really are? I know that may sound like a strange question because after all, surely you know yourself. Maybe you knew your old self, but news flash—the person in the mirror is constantly changing. What you want from your life, what you enjoy doing, what scares you, etc., is not going to be the same today, as it was five or ten years ago. As humans, we are constantly growing and adapting, yet sometimes we are stuck in the mindset that we are a version of ourselves that may not fit the person we actually are now. You have changed since last year. Some of your opinions, thoughts, beliefs, likes, and dislikes have shifted. For example, I have a friend who hated sushi, and would decline every time I tried to persuade her to join me at my favorite sushi place. Apparently, she was out to lunch recently with her co-workers and they talked her into trying the “crab dynamite” roll. Her taste buds fell in love with it. Now, surprisingly enough, she’s the one calling me and suggesting sushi! That’s a small example, but it just goes to show you that we can always surprise others, even those who know us best. Moreover, sometimes we can even surprise ourselves.
While you must allow room for the inevitable changes in your personalities and preferences, it’s also important to be in touch with what brings you satisfaction, joy, pride, and fulfillment. When you’ve lost touch with the core of who you are, that’s when you feel lost.
That was the case for Melanie, who didn’t have a clue about who she was or what she wanted from life. Reluctantly, she went to college because she wanted to please her parents. Her college days were filled with parties, hanging out with friends, and attending football games. Knowing that she eventually had to declare a major, she selected Early Childhood Education. She’s not sure why she chose that, because she never liked babysitting. After graduation, instead of getting a job that followed her major, she decided to get her real estate license. That only lasted a year and she then went into retail management. Even her love of clothes didn’t keep her there longer than two years. She then decided to try her skills as an actress, as she had always done well in speech and drama classes. When that didn’t pan out, she became a loan officer. Although she did not really like that job, she had grown weary of jobhopping and the instability that brought. She just couldn’t seem to figure out what she wanted or who she really was. Melanie was thirty-five and she still didn’t have a clue.
You want to avoid falling into such a rut—or if you’re already in one, you need to know how to get out. By not taking time to take a step back and figure out what she wanted from life, Melanie meandered through, always feeling discontented. Once she took the time to realize what would make her happy, she was able to take the steps she needed to achieve happiness. Through a series of tests and evaluations that she took at a career center online, Melanie discovered that she really liked to manage things and help people. She was hired on with a midsized company and has excelled in her position. At last, she found career satisfaction.
Here is a simple exercise that will help you recognize your current likes and dislikes, as well as help you discover if you’re doing the things you say you like to do.
1 Make a list of twenty things that you like. This may include things that you like to do such as walking in the park, traveling, or reading a book. It may also include things that you like about life.
2 Now write down twenty things that you don’t like. This could include things like spiders and spinach as well as activities like being in traffic or watching scary movies.
3 Take a look at the list of things that you like. How many of the things do you actually do or experience on a regular basis? If you’re not experiencing the things that you say you like in life, why not? Who is stopping you from enjoying your life?
4 Now take a look at the list of things you don’t like. Are they things that you can avoid? If there are things that you can’t avoid, such as traffic, it’s important to create ways to make that activity more enjoyable. For instance, listen to an informational CD, or your favorite radio station to help to alleviate the stress and dislike of the situation.
When you look at your list of likes/dislikes, is there a pattern in the list? Does the majority of your list consist of people, foods, places, or objects? It’s helpful to see what your thoughts center on, because this in turn helps you identify what’s important to you. If your likes were about people, then you are focused on people. If they were mainly about food, you’re focused on foods, and so on.
Let’s now delve deeper and explore your personal definition of success.
What Do You Want from Life?
If you were to consider your life successful, what would that look like? Success means something different to each of us. For you, it might be something like this: I want more money, I want a bigger house, I want a better job, I want a better husband, I want a better wife, I want a better car, I want a new boyfriend, I want a new girlfriend … you get the picture. But how do you define “better”? Instead of being vague, narrow in on exactly what you want. The specificity of your language dictates what you get. For example, instead of saying, “I’d like a bigger house,” put a size to it, such as “I would like a 3,500-square-foot house with a swimming pool.” Likewise, saying you want a better job is not definite enough; include the type of salary, benefits, travel, etc., that you would like. This sort of precision is what will bring about what you desire.
If I asked you to make a list of successful people, who would be on your list? My list would consist of Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Warren Buffett, Barbara Walters, Beyoncé, and Bishop T.D. Jakes, among others. It’s easy to classify these individuals as successful from what we’ve seen them accomplish—rising to the top of their respective