Lost in Relationships
Being lost in relationships encompasses many dynamics. You can be lost from the lack of a relationship with a parent, child, or sibling, or you can be lost in a dysfunctional relationship that you can’t seem to get out of. Whether you’re lost from the lack of a connection or dysfunction, it can be harmful.
As humans, we are from birth biologically hardwired to seek connections with other people. Our most fundamental relationship is with our parents, who establish our feelings of safety, security, and identity. If that bond is never established or is broken, children can experience despair, anger, self-doubt, confusion, suspicion, and a range of other troubled emotions, with lasting ramifications.
Growing up, Bob never knew who his father was. He constantly wondered about this mystery man. Did he look like him? Did they like the same sports or music? While he was curious about the man, he was also incredibly hurt and angry that his father apparently didn’t care about him since he left his mother before he was born and never came back. All of his life, he felt incomplete and displaced with his identity. At the age of thirty-five, Bob found out who his dad was. But, did he really want to meet him? Could he forgive him? He decided not to connect with him. Meeting him could disrupt his life and while he felt displaced, he didn’t want to take that risk.
While you may not have had an absent parent, you may be lost in a strained relationship with a parent, sibling, child, friend, or lover. When relationships become distant and strained, it has an enormous impact on your well-being. Whether you shut down and tell yourself, “I don’t care anymore” or continue to attempt to reconcile without success, the strained relationship injures your soul and causes disappointment, remorse, and defeat.
When I heard Tracy’s story, I knew immediately that she was lost in her relationship. She had been married for several years, divorced, and was living with her ex-husband again. She had left her husband and sent him to prison for hurting their daughter. However, when he was released after serving his sentence, she accepted him back into her life, caging herself into the prison of the relationship. She could see that she was lost and that the relationship was not good for her, she just didn’t know how to free herself.
Breaking from a dependency like that won’t happen overnight. When a person is lost in another person, it is like an appendage of your body and soul, and it’s difficult and painful to cut ties. Chapter 9 is devoted to ways to deal with toxic people and relationships—it’s that important.
Lost in Finances
We may like to think otherwise, but in many ways money is the defining factor in life. It shapes your:
Options
Lifestyle
Friendships
Social class
Tax bracket
Housing
Education
Freedom
Relationships
As you see, it is the foundation to most of life. While those who have money proclaim that it doesn’t buy happiness, those who don’t have it would like to test that theory. Because money is the driving force, the lack thereof has the power to significantly influence your thoughts, confidence, relationships, and identity. Financial strain can make you feel less than, angry, unworthy, embarrassed, and helpless. Conversely, wealth can make you feel unsatisfied, guilty, empty, and distrustful. Whatever the case, money is a big influencer in terms of the direction of your journey in life.
Some people have bought into the theory that they don’t have control over how much money they make and believe that only certain people are designated to be rich. That is unfortunate, because as with the other things in your life, you are always in the driver’s seat. Again, because this topic is critical to your life, health, and well-being, Chapter 12 addresses it in much more detail.
Don’t Get Stuck
Sometimes we don’t realize or don’t acknowledge that we’re lost, and so we stay lost, and what’s worse, we get “stuck” there. There are several types of people who are stuck and can’t seem to reroute.
Stubborn Sam is always lost and stays that way because he doesn’t acknowledge that he is lost and refuses to ask for help or directions.
Persuasive Polly has the skill to convince everyone that she isn’t lost. Although you can see her “driving around” aimlessly, never going anywhere, she seems to have persuaded herself and others that she knows where she’s going.
Fearful Fred is afraid to be on course. He has become comfortable living life in a disoriented state and is content to be displaced.
Sad Sabrina likes the attention that she gets when she acts confused. She has gained the reputation of being adrift and is not happy unless she is sad.
I am certain that you have seen yourself in this chapter in one way or another. It’s all but impossible not to get lost in your life. No one is spared. This chapter’s exercises take a look at your own experiences with getting lost and review some helpful strategies to find your way back. As I mentioned in the introduction, each chapter will have a “REST STOP” portion, and this is the time to get out your My Journey to an Amazing Life notebook; it should be new and empty, ready to fill with your notes from the exercises.
Your first task is to reflect on the following questions and write down the answers in your notebook:
Which life events have left you with this feeling of being lost?
How long have you felt off track?
What have you done thus far to cope?
As you review your events and the ways you’ve coped and are currently coping, consult the directions below and see how you can take control of the wheel again and change your direction. Remember, no one controls your destiny but you. You and only you are in the driver’s seat setting the course for your journey. This means that wherever you may be at this point in your life, you can begin to change your course.
Directions for getting “unlost”—
1 Know that you are not alone. Whatever “lost situation” you may find yourself in, know and understand that someone else has been there before and you are not alone.
2 Admit that you are lost and need help. You instinctively know that you are lost, but you have to admit it to yourself and others to get the help you need. Find someone, whether it’s a friend, mentor, coach, or counselor, to help you find your way. Don’t get caught up thinking that you can find your way by yourself.
3 Change lanes. Sometimes you are just driving in the wrong lane. Get out of the fast lane. You may be creating your stress. If you are busy at work or feel that you don’t have enough time for yourself, your family, or other things that you deem priorities, do your best to lighten your load. Stop taking on so many tasks at work, and at home, stop signing your kids up for all those activities. Slow down and take some things off your plate.
4 Take the nearest exit. Sometimes you just don’t need to stay on the freeway. You may need to exit out of a job, relationship, or behavior that is not positive for you. Understand that staying on this route may lead you to a dead end.
5 Get to the nearest rest area. Occasionally, you need to just stop and rest. The fast pace of life and the need for urgency in accomplishing things causes unsettled spirits, sleep deprivation,