Today’s misconceptions about sex addiction are sadly similar to how people thought of alcoholics in the 1930s and 1940s. At that time, the common view was that if you were a “real” alcoholic you would be homeless and lying in a gutter somewhere. We now know that many high-functioning people can lead what appears to be a normal life while active in their addiction—whether to alcohol, other drugs, gambling, or sex.
The addict’s recovery process and the ways in which sex addiction impacts partners are different from other forms of addiction. Five major factors distinguish sex addiction discovery and recovery:
1. Sexual betrayal is experienced as a personal assault by the partner. If the addict in your life abuses alcohol and other drugs you may be frustrated and angry about his behavior. You may even be hurt by the thought that he seems to care more about alcohol than he does about you. On the other hand, if the addict spends hours a day looking at pornography, frequenting adult bookstores, having affairs, or hiring prostitutes for sex, the level of betrayal and hurt experienced is multiplied exponentially.
2. Sexual betrayal creates serious health risks for partners. If a sex addict has unprotected sex with anyone other than his partner and hides this information from her, the consequences may be deadly. The risk is compounded by the fact that she isn’t aware that she may have been exposed to a sexually transmitted infection and/or disease.
3. Abstinence from sex is not the goal. For most forms of addiction, the simple (but not necessarily easy) solution is to abstain from the substance or the behavior. Defining abstinence in sex addiction is more complex because sex is a pleasurable and evolutionarily desirable behavior fundamental to human existence.
4. Slips and relapses are often more common in sex addiction recovery. This is difficult for partners to accept, and rightfully so. But the truth is that, for a variety of reasons, people who attempt to replace compulsive sexual behavior with healthy sex generally aren’t able to simply make a decision to stop all unhealthy sexual patterns and never repeat them. The addict’s sobriety plan may change over time depending on his particular set of behaviors and issues. There can be several—or even many—setbacks along the way. Depending on the behaviors involved, these “slips” may be deal-breakers for partners.
5. Need for more intensive accountability. If your partner is drinking or using other drugs, it’s hard not to notice even if he’s a master at avoiding detection. The odors and/or unusual behaviors of people when they’re using substances are difficult to miss. However, it’s entirely possible for someone to engage in sexual behaviors either alone or with another person during the lunch hour, on the way home from work, while running errands on the weekend, or at home in the middle of the night, without any evidence or clues. This is one of the reasons why formal therapeutic disclosure followed by a polygraph exam has become common in sex addiction recovery. For people who haven’t had experience with a sexually compulsive partner, these accountability measures may sound extreme. However, it’s not unusual for a recovering drug addict to be required to pass a sobriety test (such as urinalysis, breathalyzer, or a hair follicle test) in order to have visitation with children, for example. The polygraph is the equivalent of the drug test as an accountability tool to repair the damage done in relationships impacted by compulsive sexual behavior.
Partners who have recently discovered that their spouse has been acting out sexually sometimes say, “He says he’s a sex addict, but I think it’s an excuse. He’s just trying to avoid responsibility by claiming it’s an addiction.” The idea is that somehow the “sex addict” label lets him off the hook, renders him not responsible in some way, or gives him license to get away with something. I want to assure you that nothing could be further from the truth.
Sex addiction is real. The risks taken by sex addicts that endanger their health, safety, livelihood, and relationships are staggering. Addicts look for anonymous sexual partners through websites, chat rooms, and phone apps; they meet people they don’t know in risky or even dangerous places, and have unprotected sex with people whose sexual history is completely unknown. They may literally risk their lives for the next sexual encounter.
Partners sometimes believe that when the sex addict is acting out he is sneaking around like an adolescent whose parents are out of town, having casual hookups or engaging in other behaviors that he experiences as merely fun and harmless. Addicts often minimize their behaviors or say that what they did “meant nothing” in an attempt to avoid consequences or manage their shame. Addiction is not casual, fun, or harmless. The level of preoccupation, desperation, unmanageability, and shame experienced by sex addicts is so painful that they create distinct “compartments” to manage their dark, secret life.
No one would willingly choose to be an addict—especially a sex addict. It is difficult enough for most people to talk about healthy sexuality, much less to admit to out-of-control sexual behavior. Taking on the sex addict label—with all the work it entails—requires a considerable commitment of time, energy, and dedication. In addition to counseling and twelve-step meetings, the addict may be asked to write a formal disclosure to present to his partner, followed by a polygraph exam.
Given all that’s involved in taking on the sex addict label, it’s clearly not an excuse for bad behavior or a way to avoid responsibility. Quite the contrary. A person who identifies as a sex addict and makes a decision to get help to stop his behaviors is making a long-term—often lifelong—commitment to treatment and recovery.
BASICS OF FIRST-YEAR SEX ADDICTION RECOVERY
As a partner, you need to have an understanding of the addiction recovery process in order to develop realistic expectations and to make informed, reasonable requests of the addict as necessary. Otherwise, you will experience needless frustration because your expectations of your partner are unrealistic, or worse, you may expect and ask for too little. Being uninformed and/or not making requests of the addict for trust-building behaviors is harmful not only to you but it may also inadvertently delay the recovery process for the sex addict.
The truth is that most of us don’t make meaningful changes without engaging in behaviors and activities outside our comfort zone. While it’s not your job as a partner to provide the addict with growth opportunities, you’ll be doing yourself and your relationship a disservice by not making requests for repair and rehabilitation of trust. In Chapters Three, Six, and Seven, you’ll learn about common boundaries made by partners and how to make effective requests of the sex addict in your life.
Following are the primary components of a good first-year sexual recovery plan. These are the typical recommendations Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs) make, and may not represent the treatment approach of other mental health treatment providers or recovery programs.
• Assessment by a mental health professional with specialized training in treating compulsive sexual behavior. The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) and the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) are good resources for locating a certified sex addiction therapist or a therapist with specialized training and experience (see Appendix for more information). Mental health professionals without knowledge or training about compulsive sexual behavior sometimes don’t know how to assess the problem, and they can overlook or minimize it. Most sex addicts minimize the extent of their problematic behaviors. On the other hand, some people who are deeply troubled by their sexual behaviors and those who experience intense shame about normal sexual feelings or behaviors may label themselves as sex addicts when it’s simply not the case. That’s why assessment is so important.