Self-Care, Consequences, and Punishment
Commit—with Confidence—to Your Consequence
EXERCISE: Boundary Solution Step 5
CHAPTER NINE: SPEED BUMPS, ROADBLOCKS, AND CRASH LANDINGS: HIDDEN BARRIERS TO BOUNDARY WORK AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT THEM
Esteem and Worth
Difficulty with Emotional Regulation
Family and Financial Considerations
Addiction or Untreated Mental Health Concerns
Overvaluing the Relationship or the Addict (Love Addiction)
Family of Origin and Preexisting Adult Trauma
Secrets
Situations of Domestic Abuse
CHAPTER TEN: BURNING IS LEARNING: HOW YOUR NEW BOUNDARY MUSCLE WILL KEEP YOU STRONG AND SERENE FOR A LIFETIME
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PARTNERS BEYOND BETRAYAL: TRUST, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS
Will I Ever Trust Again?
Gratitude
Forgiveness
APPENDIX
5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
Boundary Evaluation
How to Take a Relational Time-Out in Six Steps
Talking Format and Request
Listening Format
Needs Inventory
Overview of the Boundary System
Stages of Healing for Partners of Sex Addicts
Suggested Recovery Check-In Items for Sex Addicts and Their Partners
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)
Love Addiction Test
RECOMMENDED READING
RESOURCES FOR PARTNERS OF SEX ADDICTS
Addiction in all its forms does not discriminate on the basis of gender, race, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, gender identity, or spiritual beliefs—and sex addiction is no exception. There are female sex addicts as well as gay and lesbian sex addicts. There are female partners of sex addicts and there are male partners of sex addicts. While it’s true that the majority of people who seek help for sexually compulsive behavior are men, women also suffer from the devastating effects of sex addiction.
When speaking and writing about sex addicts and their partners, the sex addict is almost always referred to as a man, and his partner, wife, or spouse is referred to as a woman. Unfortunately, this heterocentric bias has the unintended consequence of excluding many—female sex addicts, same-sex couples, and others—who don’t fit the “norm.”
I remember a day in early August 2015 listening to one of my clients in session telling me a story about a friend of hers. She referred to the friend as “married . . . to a man.” It was the first time I had ever heard someone specifically state the gender of the person a woman was married to. The June 26, 2015 United States Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage has forever altered the way we think, and talk, about marriage and partnering.
In an effort to honor the diversity of marriage and the many faces of intimate partnerships, I originally attempted to vary the pronouns throughout the book by referring to the sex addict as “him” in some chapters while using “her” in others (and vice versa for partners). However, this method led to incongruent or confusing examples of behaviors and scenarios, and generally seemed to do little but distract from the subject at hand. Adding “or her” to every mention of “him,” and “or his” to every instance of “hers,” seemed just as convoluted. In the end I resolved, for the sake of simplicity, to simply keep with “him” and “his” throughout when referring to the sex addict and to “her” and “hers” when speaking of the partner. I ask the reader to stay cognizant of the fact that what is being said of male sex addicts of course also applies to female ones, and that what is true of female partners is equally applicable to their male counterparts.
No creative endeavor is born from the efforts of its creator alone. There are innumerable events and encounters that form the foundation and impulse to bring a book into being, and Moving Beyond Betrayal is no exception.
I owe a deep debt of gratitude to Pia Mellody for her practical yet profound teaching on boundaries. Her work has significantly informed my understanding of how boundaries operate in relationships. Pia’s persistent appeal to her students to be part of the solution, rather than the problem, has been a guiding principle in my life—both personally and professionally.
I am grateful to have had the opportunity to study and train with many experts in the field of sex addiction treatment including Patrick Carnes, Ken Adams, Stefanie Carnes, Alex Katehakis, and Rob Weiss. And to Kelly McDaniel, for her words of wisdom and encouragement at a chance meeting just a month before the manuscript was due.
Having traveled my own path of recovery for the past twenty-eight years, there are many women and men to whom I offer deep thanks for sharing their experience, strength, and hope. I want to especially thank several key individuals who must remain anonymous, yet have contributed so much to my personal growth and the creation of this book. I am eternally grateful to you.
I also want to thank Lynn Grodzki for her practical and clearheaded guidance, as well as Lisa Tener and Bill O’Hanlon for their expert advice that helped me realize my dream of writing a book. Special thanks to the staff of Central Recovery Press and Eliza Tutellier, my editor.
Lastly, I want to thank my clients—partners and addicts alike—who have trusted me at the most vulnerable and critical times of their lives. Witnessing their transformation and the tenacious resilience of the human spirit is a persistent source of hope, joy, and inspiration to me.
“Truth is powerful and it prevails.”
—Sojourner Truth
The discovery or disclosure that your partner has betrayed you and your relationship in the most intimate way possible—the sexual bond—is devastating. It turns your world upside down and makes you doubt everything you thought you knew about your partner, your relationship, or even yourself. You may doubt your own perceptions and your reality. To choose to stay in a relationship crippled by sexual betrayal and to work through the pain, loss, and uncertainty is no less than heroic, for both the partner and the sex addict.
For more than eight years as a licensed clinical social worker and certified sex addiction therapist, I have worked with partners of sex addicts and sex addicts in individual, group, and couples therapy. I have treated partners in varying stages of their healing journey, beginning with the pre-discovery phase, through the crisis stage, and into the growth and thriving stage. One of the greatest joys of my work is to witness the transformation of my clients. The personal and relational growth that is possible with commitment, perseverance, and hard work is remarkable.
I’ve seen firsthand the pain and suffering endured by partners of sex addicts caused by lack of information, misinformation, or the absence of good self-care and boundaries. What I know for sure is that if you’re in an intimate relationship with someone struggling with out-of-control sexual behavior, you must arm yourself with knowledge and expert guidance.
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