Ideally, the partner’s trauma, as well as any codependency issues, needs to be addressed. I believe it’s a mistake to dismiss either the trauma approach or potential issues of codependency as invalid or irrelevant. If codependency issues aren’t addressed, you may ask too little of the sex addict or accept halfhearted and superficial efforts at recovery. You also may be vulnerable to discounting or ignoring your needs, especially if the sex addict is highly defensive or, worse, a bully. The reality is that most partners experience trauma symptoms as a result of discovery/disclosure. In addition, they often have participated in some way in the dysfunctional addictive system, if only by neglecting their own needs or being unable to speak their truth.
This book offers concrete tips, tools, and skills to help you navigate through this painful and difficult time in your life and regain trust in your intuition. You will learn:
• How to use the 5-SBS to practice exquisite self-care through effective boundary work;
• How to tap into your authentic power and stop using ineffective strategies of control and manipulation;
• How to set boundaries;
• What to do when boundaries you set are violated; and
• How to determine whether or not your relationship is salvageable.
You will also come to realize that, although you don’t have the power to change your partner, you do have the power to change how you navigate this difficult phase and your relationship. You can reduce the chaos in your life, gain clarity, and ultimately experience serenity.
One of the most powerful lessons you will learn is that self-care and boundary work will change your relationships forever—with your partner, family, friends, coworkers, or children. Waiting for someone else to change is a losing proposition. Changing yourself is in your power and you can start immediately.
Here’s a snapshot of the 5-SBS for creating and maintaining good, healthy boundaries:
1. Define your current problem(s) through knowing your reality.
2. Identify the needs that aren’t being met and create a vision for the future.
3. Identify where you have power.
4. Take action where you have the power to effect change.
5. Evaluate the results to determine if your goal has been accomplished or further boundary work is needed.
Of course, there are times when our best efforts fail and that is certainly true for boundaries. Broken agreements, boundary violations, and a host of other factors can get in the way. You will learn how to handle boundary violations and learn what to do about any personal challenges that are sabotaging your boundary work.
My sincere desire is that the information and tools presented in this book will give you hope, help you develop a better relationship with yourself and the sex addict in your life, and guide you in creating the life you want and deserve.
1 Therapeutic separation is a planned period of time for the couple to focus on individual work, learn new skills, reevaluate the relationship, and potentially recommit with healthier boundaries and agreements.
Not All Forms of Addiction Are Created Equal: What You Need to Know about Sex Addiction
Addiction is a pernicious, crippling, lifelong condition. Addiction is deadly and has an arsenal of means with which to kill. The actor Philip Seymour Hoffman was found dead in early 2014 in his apartment with a needle in his arm—the result of a heroin overdose. It would be more accurate to say that he committed suicide. He had relapsed about a year earlier after twenty-three years in recovery. One of the many problems with addiction is that when you relapse, you don’t start over as a first-time user. You start where you left off.
According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM), addiction is characterized by “an inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavior control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response.” The “inability to consistently abstain” is a concept that sometimes confuses loved ones and family members close to the addict. They wonder, “How is it possible for the addict to abstain if addiction means that’s something they can’t do?” The confusion is understandable. On their own, addicts lack the ability to consistently abstain without help. Most would stop their compulsive behaviors on their own if they could. It’s just that most can’t do it alone.
An addict’s inability to consistently abstain or practice behavioral control manifests in many ways. He may make promises to himself that he won’t engage in a particular behavior again or he may tell himself that after a certain date in the future he’ll quit. Of course, these promises are rarely kept.
The craving for the addictive substance or behavior grows over time and the addict needs more to get the same effect. If he’s an alcoholic, he will require more alcohol to get the same level of intoxication. In sex addiction, the addict may increase the time spent engaged in a particular sexual behavior over time, or engage in increasingly risky behaviors to get the same level of intensity or “high.” “Acting out” is a commonly used expression to describe the addict’s compulsive behaviors.
Because of an inability to recognize the extent of the problems related to their behavior, addicts usually experience serious life consequences. They have chronic feelings of low self-worth and shame due to the secret double lives they lead. They often suffer from underperforming at work due to preoccupation with the substance or behavior, or a “hangover” effect from having recently acted out or binged. They may even lose their jobs because of poor performance or violating company policies. Addicts suffer financially because of work-related issues or spending large sums of money on the addictive substance or behavior. Some addicts manage to avoid financial or career consequences—but their close, intimate relationships are almost always negatively impacted.
There are two primary forms of addiction: substance addiction and process addiction. Substance addiction includes alcohol, prescription medications, and/or illegal drugs. Process addiction is different from substance addiction because it involves a set of behaviors rather than the ingestion of a substance. Examples of process addictions include gambling, food disorders, and sex addiction. In many ways, process addiction (especially food disorders and sex addiction) is more challenging to overcome because it involves normal, healthy activities, when done in moderation. In alcohol and other drug addiction treatment, abstinence is defined as simply stopping the consumption of the substance in question. However, it’s not realistic to abstain from food or to choose not to be sexual for the remainder of one’s life.
Addiction is considered a lifelong, chronic issue similar to medical conditions that require sustained and continuous behavior modification.