• Therapists and/or sponsors often recommend that addicts new to the recovery process abstain from all sexual behaviors for the first three months of treatment and attend ninety twelve-step meetings in ninety days—sometimes referred to as “ninety in ninety.” Although “ninety in ninety” may seem extreme at first glance, when compared to the amount of time many sex addicts spend thinking about, planning, preparing for, and engaging in their sexual behaviors, seven hours a week spent in twelve-step meetings is usually a fraction of the time spent on acting-out behaviors.
• Daily written recovery work and reading of recovery literature.
• Creation of a sex plan or Three Circle Plan. This plan outlines the behaviors the addict will abstain from, as well as healthy behaviors that will replace those that are destructive and unhealthy. The behaviors in a sex addict’s abstinence plan often change over time. (For more information about the Sex Addicts Anonymous Three Circle Plan, visit their website at www.saa-recovery.org.)
• If the sex addict is in a long-term relationship, the partner or therapist may ask him to prepare a formal therapeutic disclosure. The formal disclosure is a document describing the type and extent of his sexual behaviors outside his primary relationship. Graphic details aren’t included, but the number of partners, how long the relationship or behavior lasted, and how much money was spent, are typical items included in a disclosure. If he agrees, the sex addict will complete a written disclosure to present to his partner in a therapy session, followed by a polygraph exam. It is sometimes recommended that the sex addict complete the First Step in his twelve-step community before presenting a disclosure to his partner.
Most partners find it helpful to get more information about sex addiction and the recovery process from trusted sources. (See the Appendix for a list of recommended reading.)
One of the most painful aspects of sex addiction recovery for partners is that the sex addict will likely not be able to put an end to all acting-out behaviors immediately after getting caught, attending his first twelve-step meeting, or beginning therapy. When addicts break their abstinence plan, it’s called a slip or a relapse. In an ideal world, addicts would choose sobriety, commit to a recovery path, and remain abstinent from their destructive sexual behaviors for life. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. More often than not, sex addicts in early recovery struggle to maintain an abstinence plan.
There are differing views about slips and relapses in sex addiction recovery. Most therapists who treat sex addiction agree that a slip is a single—usually unplanned—acting-out incident. Relapse is a process that begins before the actual acting-out behaviors. It may start with a reduction in participation in recovery activities (twelve-step meetings, therapy, etc.), the addict thinking he doesn’t need recovery, that his problems aren’t as bad as others, or harboring secret plans to engage in what are commonly called the “middle circle” behaviors of the Three Circle Plan. Middle circle behaviors are activities that aren’t a violation of the abstinence plan, but they have the potential to lead to acting out. Some examples of middle circle behaviors are unstructured alone time, using a computer in isolated circumstances, and traveling out of town for business without one’s partner.
Relapses almost always involve deception because the addict, either consciously or unconsciously, knows he’s headed down a dangerous path. Once he’s acted out, he will rationalize continuing the behaviors even for a short time since he’s already violated his abstinence plan. Sadly, addicts sometimes consciously choose to act out prior to a particular milestone of abstinence (sixty or ninety days, for example) because they tell themselves that the disappointment over “failing” after sixty or ninety days would feel worse to them and their partner after reaching the milestone. This is a clear and painful example of the cunning and baffling nature of addictive thinking.
Individuals with sobriety in other twelve-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) sometimes criticize the sex addiction recovery community for being too tolerant of slips and relapses. The idea is that in AA or other twelve-step programs, people get sober from the beginning of their time in the program. This is simply not the case. Substance addicts may slip or relapse multiple times over many years before getting a foothold in solid, long-term recovery—sometimes referred to as “rehearsing” sobriety. The story of Bill W., founder of AA, is probably the best, and most well known, example of the reality that sobriety is not a simple onetime choice of abstinence.
Because abstinence in sex addiction recovery isn’t as black and white as in alcohol and other drug addiction, it is not uncommon for the definition of abstinence to change, especially in the first year. For example, addicts often complete ninety days of celibacy from all sexual activity in early recovery. During this time, masturbation is considered acting out. However, after the ninety days of abstinence is complete, masturbation may no longer be considered a slip. This is one among many reasons why abstinence in sex addiction is more complicated than other addictions.
Sex addiction, like all other forms of addiction, involves a considerable amount of isolation and secretiveness on the part of the addict. The isolation inherent in addiction results in frequent deception and lying to partners, family, friends, and employers. As a partner of a sex addict, you need to know that, because of the nature of deception and secrecy that goes hand in hand with addiction, your trust in your reality has likely been seriously impacted.
You may have been told:
• “You’re crazy.”
• “Why are you so upset? I only did it once.”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “All men _______ (look at pornography, go to strip clubs, etc.).”
• “You’re wrong. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
These attempts to convince you that you’re crazy, stupid, or just plain wrong are what we call gaslighting. The term comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight and, as mentioned before, it denotes a form of mental abuse where the victim is lied to—or the truth is otherwise distorted—for the purpose of causing the victim to doubt her own reality, memory, or perceptions. Gaslighting creates the fog of addiction, and perfectly describes what happens to partners of sex addicts when the addict is still acting out and attempting to cover up his behaviors.
Having been in a relationship with an active addict, your reality has been manipulated. You may not trust your intuition or perceptions. Some addicts are so deceptive, and their lives so Jekyll and Hyde, their partners wonder if they are sociopaths. Of course, it’s possible that your partner is a sociopath—but it’s unlikely. Many addicts manifest sociopathic characteristics when they’re acting out. They use every means available to deceive and cover up the truth of their secret life. The addiction becomes more important than anything else for them, and the level of deception inherent in addiction takes a serious toll on partners.
Some well-meaning but misinformed therapists have encouraged the partner of a sex addict to participate in the acting-out behaviors of the addict even when those behaviors are outside the partner’s value system or just aren’t something the partner wants to do. These harmful experiences happen too often and delay the addict and partner from getting the help they need. I highly recommend you seek out a professional who is trained in the field of sex addiction treatment and recovery. Don’t be afraid to ask detailed questions about the therapist’s training, experience, approach to treatment, and any concerns you have.
Because of the level of shame and stigma inherent in sex addiction,