“Emotional well-being is the central desire (and the right) of every human being, first and foremost, to feel safe, loved, validated, and in control of his/her life,” he asserts. “Ironically we are all born that way, in perfect love and energetic harmony, and filled with perfectly formed and vastly abundant self-esteem and emotional well-being. Then life happens and we, at least most of us in modern Western society, get it beaten out of us, at least figuratively.”
Here, per Dr. McGrail, are some common steps anyone can take to reclaim that wonderful childhood state of mind:
1. First, you must acknowledge that you are naturally resistant to change, even when you want it and know it will be a good thing. It is literally in our DNA to cling to the familiar, a condition called homeostasis, from the Latin words meaning the “same state.” It is homeostasis, the emotional equivalent of inertia in the physical world, that holds us back and keeps us stuck.
2. Accept that you are going to feel somewhat uncomfortable during the process of changing your life and consciously decide to allow yourself to feel that way. It won’t kill you, and once you cross that emotional bridge, half the battle is over and you are in the process of learning what you need to know to be the new you.
3. Accept that all change—in fact, life itself—is always a process. Modern technology-driven society is becoming too used to expecting instant results and gratification; when you accept the concept of process, it can help you hasten the happy results.
4. Commit to being “at cause” with your life—most of us live in a state of being “at effect,” that is, feeling as if life is happening to us and we are the victims of circumstances beyond our control. Being “at cause” is a fundamental shift in that thinking. It goes something like this: It is no one else’s job to make me happy or safe or loved or confident or financially solvent or healthy, or anything. It is my job alone. Thus, my results will depend on my choices, what I do, think, say, and feel.
5. Choosing to live “at cause” also leads us to another huge requirement—it must come from within. Most of us think that if we just get the stuff we want—our money, career, love and relationships, whatever we think is missing—that all will be well. But it is only when we rediscover our internal balance that we can begin to enjoy what we have.
6. In order to establish true emotional well-being, we must balance and integrate all our energy streams—physical, emotional, and spiritual. And we must acknowledge that we are indeed spiritual beings, something much easier to do with all the new science that is providing the empirical evidence we Westerners require. As such, we are seeing major changes in virtually all our health and wellness disciplines.
7. Finally, to really feel emotionally sound and whole, pay as much attention as possible to making choices that serve the greater good, to be of service to others. It can be as simple as validating other people on a regular basis—say thank you to anyone who provides you with a service. Say hello and smile at someone you pass on the street. As you watch him/her light up just from being acknowledged and validated, you will too.
The Specifics
We have now started on our journey—more aptly, our climb up the Ladder—toward being emotionally Better Than Before. Since there is no one solution for all of our slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, let’s take on some of the most common stressors and consider the experts’ best advice for tackling them.
Let Them Be Right
Sometimes, no matter how hard we are actually willing to work, we are often held back from achieving greatness by letting our own personal annoyances get in the way. These can create roadblocks that compromise the goals that we set out to conquer. And one of these self-induced petty dramas is trying to change others.
To get to the bottom of why we are, at times, our own worst enemies, I again sought the advice of Dr. John McGrail. He says that one of the most powerful and effective techniques is what he calls the “Art of Allowance.” This is a very simple strategy that allows other people to be whom and what they are.
Dr. McGrail says that when we allow others to be themselves without trying to change them, we don’t have to feel any negative energy. They then cease to have any effect on us, and we can go about living our lives the way we want to, and they can do the same. The plus is that we can use that recouped energy for ourselves.
The next step is to simply let others be right, a technique he first learned from Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff … and It’s All Small Stuff, by the late Dr. Richard Carlson. According to Dr. McGrail, Dr. Carlson’s premise was simple: There are many people out there who just have to be right to feel okay about themselves, so why not just let them? You see, when we let them be right—even when we know they are dead wrong—we give them the gift of feeling good about themselves; and this, in turn, makes us feel good about ourselves.
Don’t Panic
I am by nature an anxious person. My beloved husband is exactly the opposite. And whenever I feel particularly on edge, he always reminds me to calm down. “Think of yourself as being a pebble in a stream” is one of his favorite sayings for these occasions. “And just let the turbulent water wash over you.” I swear he should be teaching spiritual healing in an ashram instead of practicing law.
But am I the only Nervous Nellie who thinks she is just one unfortunate incident away from losing it all? Who has unfounded fears that at the first sign of forgetfulness, her loved ones will send her off to a home for the criminally bewildered? I know a host of folk who have chronic anxiety at some level—people who feel repeatedly stressed, overwhelmed, fearful, and even phobic, often accompanied by that awful, unsettled feeling in the pit of your stomach or a tightness in the chest that causes an imminent fear of cardiac arrest in the middle of the crosswalk.
Full-blown anxiety/panic attacks are not uncommon, either, and can sometimes appear to occur for no apparent reason. And therein is the basis for a vicious cycle. The fear of having an anxiety attack in a crowded elevator, or even such a nonthreatening place as, say, the dairy aisle of the supermarket, can actually trigger one. There is no question that chronic anxiety is a horrible condition—and the result is that you feel out of control in one, many, or even every aspect of your life. I know. I’ve been there.
Of course, the first place to start in fighting chronic anxiety is also the most difficult. Since it is almost always both irrational and psychosomatic (a physical condition caused by the mind), most, and usually all, of the fears and phobic reactions associated with it—dread, panic, physical weakness—are completely disproportionate to the actual risk involved, which is often little or none.
Thankfully, a situation irrationally created by the mind can be controlled by reinstating rational thoughts. Sure, we all occasionally entertain irrational thoughts that automatically pop into our heads but that we never act upon; for example, the thought of surreptitiously sticking out your foot and “accidentally” tripping an obnoxious coworker. (Admit it, you’ve also been tempted to do that.) We think of these things, and then we immediately exert cognitive, rational control and don’t act; in other words, our morals and ethics—and natural sense of self-preservation—jump in to restore rationality and control.
The same procedure can be used to combat anxiety—which is, in effect, our irrational fear of losing control of our own lives. Of course, neither I nor anyone else can guarantee that you will be able to completely conquer your anxieties and phobias. Trained professionals like Dr. McGrail help many sufferers and are needed to help many more. But for many of us, anxiety can be overcome on our own, without a lot of medications. It’s your mind, after all. You own it, you control it, and you can learn to drive it where you want it to go. However, if you do need help, do yourself a favor and get it!
Here are Dr. McGrail’s specific recommendations on how to overcome