We must also address the fears that turn into phobias and anxiety, that horrific sense of being out of control. It can be associated with a specific issue, such as flying, public speaking, driving on freeways, or even visiting the doctor. (Being that I am a hypochondriac, the very sight of a white coat, even on a butcher, causes my blood pressure to soar to stroke levels.) Anxiety can also manifest in that general sense of dread that comes out of nowhere, sometimes for no particular reason, but frightens the heck out of you.
That brings us to perhaps the greatest source of stress of all—motherhood, the veritable mother lode of emotional stress. No matter how good a parent we may be, we all feel (undoubtedly correctly) that we have made mistakes along the way. We fear, for example, that our kids will always remember the time(s) we sent them to school when they felt sick to their stomach, believing that it was only because we had other things to do—and the school nurse promptly sent them back home (secretly, I feared, thinking I was an unfit mother).
While we all make sacrifices for our children, every mother feels guilty about something. If we work, we wish we stayed home. If we choose to stay home, even for the first year or so, we think we should be doing more important things with our lives than discussing the relative merits of Pampers versus Huggies.
Sometimes we erroneously assume that we have the best of both worlds. When Elise, my youngest, was born, I began to write a few days a week from my home office. Granted, it was nice to secretly wear sweats and bunny slippers when I was doing important phone interviews. But unfailingly, every time I made a call, the children began to loudly attack one another in one made-up game or another. I would sigh and assert to my sympathetic interviewee that an inconsiderate coworker had brought his or her disorderly kids into the office.
For all you new moms, I do have good news—it does get easier with each child, I swear. For example, when Alex was a newborn, I used to rush him to the pediatrician whenever his temperature reached 98.7. With Philip, four years later as a more experienced mom, it was only when it got over 100. By the time Elise came along six years after that, I wasn’t even upset when her temperature hit 102. Knowing by then that a healthy child tends to fever high to naturally fight infection, I merely gave her a dose of liquid Tylenol and kept a close vigil. Suffice it to say, she’s still alive and thriving.
Yes, dads suffer stress, too! But as women, we tend to have even more responsibilities. We are nurturers by nature; so, for the most part, child care is in a mother’s domain. It’s exhausting just thinking that it could be possible to have it all—if we do it all. And we can’t. It’s both physically and mentally impossible.
And trust me on this one, ladies, it is okay to not be Wonder Woman. She’s the one who gets up at 5 AM, sprints to the gym, then showers, answers all e-mails, fixes her family a breakfast of flaxseed banana waffles with organic maple syrup, and is ready to go to the office as soon as she drives her 2.4 equally perfect children to school. Her male counterpart is just as accomplished. Not only does he hold down a high-powered day job, but he is a nationally ranked squash player and on weekends writes poetry when not competing in an Ironman Triathlon. In a pinch, he can reshingle his roof. But unless they actually hail from the planet Krypton, inside they’re a hot mess!
And I know this in part from my brief foray into Super-parenthood. It was one winter, many moons ago; I had really felt sorry for my husband as he somehow managed to always get sick at the exact same time as the children. Needless to say, he did not get a whole lot of sympathy. So when everyone was well, I decided to make it up to him. “Tomorrow, dear,” I announced, “I will prepare you a special breakfast, lay out your clothes, and drive you to work.”
So I spent more time fussing over his meal than I did taking care of the children that morning. They had cold cereal; he had steel-cut oats with walnuts. I carefully chose his suit and tie, and even made sure that he wasn’t wearing one brown shoe and one black, as sometimes happens when he dresses himself. And as soon as I rushed my older sons off to the bus and took my little girl to nursery school, as promised, I hopped in the car and gave him door-to-door service to his office.
An hour later, all missions accomplished, I, über-wife, returned to my office and started to write my column with still plenty of time left to meet my deadline. I sat back in the chair and let out a large self-satisfied sigh, thinking to myself, “Who said you can’t have it—and, most important, do it—all?” Just then the phone rang.
“Mrs. Michael,” stated the voice on the other end, “this is Mrs. Butters at the nursery school.”
“Oh, hello, Mrs. Butters,” I chirped. “Did the class enjoy those organic oatmeal raisin cookies I sent in the other day for their recess snack?”
“Those were great.” She paused, then continued. “But the reason I’m calling is that you seem to have sent your daughter to school today in her pajamas.” Bam!
And the Answer Is …
So no matter our will and good intentions, we can’t eliminate every source of stress. When I first began my research on how to help others feel better than before on an emotional level, what really stuck with me was a conversation that I had with a very spiritual person, a shaman, in fact. I remember asking her the true meaning of life. She said she would consult the Guides and get back to me. Finally, she called.
As I anxiously awaited her response, she replied, “Well, here it is.” She paused. “Stuff happens (okay, stuff was not the exact word she used). Move on!”
“Seriously? That’s the answer to the meaning of life?” I asked incredulously.
“Yes,” she insisted. “Don’t dwell!”
Of course, that is far easier said than done. Ignoring the negative mental chatter that can bedevil us is tough. Setting positive goals is self-affirming, but it’s how you handle the all-too-likely failure to accomplish them fully (or at all) that is the key.
The Journey
It’s important to remember that it’s the journey, not the final resting point, that matters in self-improvement—finding satisfaction in the tiny victories and incremental improvements along the way. That, in turn, will allow you to live in and enjoy the moment. Too often, we spend so much time worrying about the future that we don’t appreciate what we accomplished that day, or even that minute. By never giving yourself credit for what you have achieved on a day-to-day basis, everything just jumbles together into one big “to-do” list. Life becomes the trip from hell instead of an enjoyable voyage. In the words of Ernest Hemingway: “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters in the end.”
That is perhaps the real meaning of my shaman’s cryptic message, “Never give up.” All the genius in the world won’t do any good without guts, tenacity, and passion. Estée Lauder once told me that when she was first starting out, if cosmetic buyers said no, she would wait outside their offices all day until they changed their minds. Vincent van Gogh sold only one painting during his lifetime; Elvis Presley got a C in music class; Winston Churchill at one point lost three elections in a row; Henry Ford’s car manufacturing company went bankrupt—twice—before becoming the Ford Motor Company; Sigmund Freud was booed from the stage when he first presented his revolutionary ideas; and Albert Einstein was expelled from school for being a disruptive student. What would the world be like if any one of them simply gave up and didn’t forge ahead?
“There is no single magic bullet for turning your life and your health around. It requires focusing on all areas of your life. Each component has a powerful effect on the whole system. And it goes beyond a health-promoting diet and lifestyle. It also requires being a guardian of your attitude and self-talk in order to program yourself to be more positive, adaptable, and committed to life. I do believe that there is a purpose to our lives, and taking care of our body, mind, and spirit is critical in achieving that purpose. So we need to be very good to ourselves and those around us.”
—Dr.