• Squeeze the Trigger and Breathe—Hold the thumb and forefinger of either hand together, gently but firmly. Focus all your attention on your fingers squeezing together; look at them, feel them, and then say to yourself (silently or aloud), Stop! Now begin to breathe, slowly and deeply, focusing on the air entering and leaving your body. You should calm down in a very short time. When you do, release the trigger.
• Slow Down and Focus—That feeling of being overwhelmed is often caused by looking at situations in their entirety. It’s like standing at the bottom of a tall, steep mountain and trying to imagine climbing it all at once. It’s easily overwhelming. But if you just start walking one step at a time and only focus on the next step—with an occasional glance at the whole mountain so you stay oriented—pretty soon you’re at the top looking down. The same can be said for the situations we deal with in life. We can slow down and commit to taking it one step, one choice, one thought at a time.
• Remember TAO—In this case, TAO does not refer to the ancient Chinese philosophy, but instead refers to the notion that There Are Always Options. For example, if you were stuck in traffic and absolutely had to leave the car, you could just get out and walk away. Sure it might cause others to call you names, but if it were necessary—life and death, say—the choice is there. So whenever you feel particularly anxious, just think TAO!
Exercise to Relax
Besides using mental and psychological techniques to help combat anxiety and panic attacks, the time-honored blowing off of steam from a punching bag to a 5K run is still a very valid option! So I turned to Mark McGee, a 6th Degree Black Belt, senior instructor, t’ai chi and Qigong, for a physical exercise to help control emotional challenges.
According to Mark, Qigong is an ancient Chinese exercise that improves emotional well-being as it harmonizes the mind, body, and breath. Since anxiety is a root of many health problems, one of the best antidotes is to breathe deeply from a strong foundation. He recommends the following simple exercise for beginners, a more physical manifestation of Dr. McGrail’s trigger squeezing.
Stand with your feet about shoulder-width apart. Take in a deep breath while raising your shoulders as high as you can comfortably, then let out your breath slowly while lowering your shoulders, hollowing your chest, rounding your back, lowering your chin, bending your knees slightly, and tucking your sacrum. Once you feel that you are close to being out of breath, inhale again and repeat the raising of your shoulders, followed by a slow exhale and full body relax. Use your mind during the exercise to focus on how good you feel as you nourish every cell in your body with the rush of air and natural stretching. And spend a minute afterward enjoying slow, deep breaths before returning to your work or routine.
Don’t Worry, Be Happy … But, It’s a Process
Countering stress, anxiety, and phobias is critical to emotional well-being. But that only gets you halfway there. Being better than before not only means moving out of negative emotions but also into positive ones. So now we turn to how you can be positively happy!
Back to Dr. McGrail who is a big believer in the importance of finding your way to that positive space: “Happiness is a state of mind that you can choose any time you wish, even while you’re in the process of resolving your issues and creating your better life. In fact, it will happen much faster that way.” He says the two key points to that statement are choice and process.
With that in mind, Todd Patkin, who is as happy as The Lawyer is sensible, and the author of Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In, has a great plan for happiness.
Patkin says that society tells us (not very subtly, either) that we need to perform to a certain standard, look a certain way, weigh a certain number, make a certain amount of money, and much more. “Too bad that ‘perfect’ lifestyle is impossible to achieve. Nobody can do it all, all of the time. So when you inevitably take on too much and allow one of the plates you’re juggling to drop, you end up disappointed, tired, and miserable.”
According to Patkin, if you really want to experience true happiness and fulfillment, stop setting yourself up for disappointment by having unrealistic and unsustainable expectations. For the sake of happiness, here are his suggestions:
• Give Up on Relationships—The ones that aren’t working, that is. You need to be around other people who share your commitment to happiness.
• Stop Being So Darn Nice—And start being real. Dishonest politeness doesn’t develop authentic relationships. Having a smaller number of true friends is healthier than denying your own happiness in order to make everyone else like you.
• Stop Working So Hard—Everyone has physical and mental limits. And achievement doesn’t equal happiness. Overloading on work will cause your relationships, mind-set, and even health to suffer. Really think about what a healthy balance looks like.
• Lower the Bar—You probably expect too much from yourself. Consciously lower your expectations to more realistic standards, celebrate your many successes, and stop beating yourself up.
• Ignore the Joneses—Keeping up with the Joneses seems to be the American way of life. But you need to understand the fundamental truth that “happy” for you won’t look the same as it does for anyone else—and that’s okay! Focus primarily on your own feelings and fulfillment.
• Don’t Focus on Your Spouse—To the point where you forget to take responsibility for yourself, that is! Putting yourself second all of the time can breed frustration and resentment. Remember that when you do things that make you happy, it’s good for your husband or wife, too.
• Stop Giving So Much—If you don’t, you’ll eventually run dry! Figure out what is important to you and what fulfills you.
• Stop Pushing Your Kids So Hard—Too much pressure to perform can cause children of any age to burn out and make self-destructive decisions. Your kids will be much happier, healthier, more creative, and more motivated throughout their lives if you prioritize balance and love them for who they are.
• Forget Quality Time with Your Kids—And start focusing on quantity! Life is found in the everyday moments, not in the big blowout trips. Doing “normal” things with your kids on a regular basis will mean more to them—and to you—long-term than the occasional extraordinary event.
• Cancel Your Gym Membership—The key to instilling any habit in your life is to make it doable. So if exercise isn’t already a regular part of your life, start small. Take a 20-minute walk every other day around your neighborhood—that’s it! You can work up from there if you want to. And remember that exercise isn’t just about losing weight; it’s a natural antidepressant that will improve your sleep and make you feel more relaxed, stronger, and more capable of handling life’s challenges.
• Stop Obsessing About Your Health—Just eat right, go to the doctor, and fit in as much exercise and relaxation as you can. If you don’t, all the worry and stress will be what ends up killing you!
• Trash Your Goals—Except for this one—Be happier! When you prioritize your own happiness and well-being, you’ll be truly amazed by how smoothly everything else falls into place!
It’s 4 AM, you can’t sleep, and you’re obsessing over work, money, relationships, or your endless “to-do” list. Judith Orloff, M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist and assistant professor of psychiatry at UCLA and author of The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life, often gets that complaint from patients. In response, she offers some recommendations for alleviating common forms of stress: