• Nearly half (46 percent) of adults in the survey said that within the last month they had lost patience with or yelled at their spouse, partner, or children when stressed. You can let go of relationship stress by staying calm, no matter what buttons your loved one has pushed. Avoid reacting or getting defensive. Let the other person completely finish talking, and then pause before you respond. Instead of trying to change someone’s mind, accept where he or she is coming from and try to be compassionate. When we stop trying to control relationships, they become less stressful.
• In the APA survey, 30 percent of adults reported that stress had a strong or very strong impact on their physical health. Stress makes us tense, obsessive, and burned out by the hormones adrenaline and cortisol. Consequently, we become malnourished or overweight. We don’t exercise, and the quality of our sleep suffers. One of the best ways to let go of physical stress is to let your body do what it was designed to do—move. Practice some kind of movement you like at least a few times a week, whether it’s going to the gym, walking your dog, or doing yoga stretches. The goal of movement is to get out of your head and surrender to the body’s natural energy.
For Cancer Survivors
As I was developing the Better Than Before program, many cancer survivors shared with me their psychological social stigmas. Some rejected any kind of personal interaction, or they seemed comfortable only when alone or around others who were willing to listen to their incessant talk about the horrors they have been through. Others had the opposite social struggles. They confessed that they wanted to strangle the next person who looked at them with either pity or what they termed “airplane” eyes, which always seemed to land directly on that spot. A few felt their friends purposely avoided them because they were afraid they might “catch it,” even though it’s not contagious. Most had difficulty dealing with the irritatingly positive people who constantly commented, “You can do it” or “You’ll be just fine,” without knowing a thing about what they went through. The most tactless ones, undoubtedly innocent in their intent, told them about all the people they knew who had the same type of cancer and how long they survived after being diagnosed.
After talking with many cancer survivors and patients, and many of their oncologists and therapists, I always try to pass on the following advice:
• Deal with Your Demons—Know that CDs—or cancer demons—those evil little voices that play over and over again in your mind telling you that you will most surely have a recurrence will never completely go away. Therefore you must learn to tame them. Accept that they are there, recognize that their mission is to make you miserable, marginalize them, and then converse with them.
• Let It Be—There is no way to control what other people say to you, but you can control how their statements affect you.
• Don’t Immerse Yourself in Guilt—For example, “Did I cause my own cancer because of my negative personality? Or what did I—or didn’t I—do in my life?” There is absolutely no research that says thinking negatively has anything to do with getting cancer. Or that you—or anybody else in your life—caused you to get it, either.
• Let the Guilt Go Even More—Don’t feel bad if you’re not positive 24 hours a day. Nobody can be. That’s just putting too much pressure on you.
• Get a Handle on It—Dr. R. Duncan Wallace, psychiatrist and psychotherapist and author of The Book of Psychological Truths, says that “the cause of mental pressure is thinking illogically about the future in absolutes, such as ‘I must have a good result,’ or ‘I can’t let the illness get me’—trying to force future certainty. Instead, replace that with, ‘I’ll take whatever happens in the best way.’” This recognizes the true uncertainty about any outcome and immediately takes the pressure off your mind.
• Create a Clear Picture—Picture a healthy you in that vision. Be as detailed as possible, using all five senses—see it, smell it, taste it, touch it, hear it, and, finally, add a large measure of positive emotion.
• Be in the Know—Be aware that your thoughts have the power to create reality. In other words, how you think controls how you feel. Try to reframe your life by not letting your cancer define it. It is not who you are. Whenever you start to feel anxious, see yourself as strong, healthy, and vibrant, with the inner strength to overcome anything.
• Use Visualization—Our Ladder is all about using visualization on your climb. For survivors in particular, picture your body healing with great ease. Use your imagination to come up with what feels like the most pleasant image of healing—a golden light, a baby’s hand, cleansing ocean waves—and smile as you actually feel yourself healing and remaining healthy.
Wrapping It Up
We’ve covered a lot of tips and techniques for improving emotional well-being. Remember not to take on too much all at once. Consistent, steady improvements are what count. In wrapping up, the following is my personal advice for emotional well-being, culled from years of working with patients, therapists, other experts, and, of course, some trial and error. Just pick the ones that are easiest for you to follow.
• Clear Your Mind—To clear and calm your mind of any anxieties, it is helpful to focus on your breath. For this exercise, you are going to breathe in to the count of six, then hold your breath full to the same count, breathe out to the count of six again, and then hold your breath empty to the same count. This goes in four sections: In, hold, out, hold. As you begin, you will find yourself counting a little too quickly, and then gradually, you will slow down your count and deepen your breathing. Doing this for just five minutes a few times a day will make a big difference in your ability to remain calm and steady. If you would rather talk than count, you can also say—I am going to be Better Than Before.
• Be in the Moment—This exercise involves mindfulness, the Eastern philosophical and spiritual practice that involves centering on the moment. Find a quiet place in your house. This time, imagine what makes you feel the most calm and relaxed. For example, visualize yourself lying by the ocean and listening to the waves or watching a magnificent sunset.
• Beautify Your Surroundings—Surround yourself with what you love and what gives you a warm feeling, whether it is family, friends, pets, or even keepsakes.
• Get Over It—Studies show that anger and bitterness put the body into a stressful state. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Feeling Better Than Before means learning to relax and enjoy life.
• Laugh It Off—Laughter heals. Laugh often, even until your sides ache. It is difficult to laugh and be depressed at the same time.
• Take a Short Nap—No more than an hour, once a day. Make sure you get at least seven hours of sleep a night.
• Cut Down All Your Activity—An hour before you go to sleep. That includes Internet, exercise, and TV. (If you have a favorite late-night program, tape it.) And dim the lights. Research suggests that this mimics sunset, and your brain responds by releasing melatonin, the hormone that brings about sleep.
• Get Focused—Prepare for the next day a “focused visualization” by writing a paragraph in as much detail as possible on how to feel Better Than Before. Reading this aloud and planting the vision in your mind before bedtime allows your subconscious to work on your goals and dreams all night.
• Write It Down—If you still can’t fall asleep after 20 minutes, get up and do something quiet, like reading a book—or work on that paragraph about how you want