In our decades of working with parents—and being parents—we have met few moms and dads who automatically knew how to deal with irritating situations. Our human reaction to a biting mosquito is to swat it. Most of us have no idea how often we go through the day swatting mosquitos. Learning to respond rather than react to life's many irritants is a lesson in self-control that requires practice, practice, and more practice. Automatic negative reactions to pain can be replaced with responses that help you achieve your goals. In the situation above, the goals were a pleasant evening and the coat hung up
Practice giving clear directions that involve simple actions and that can be accomplished in a minute or two—put your shoes away; close the door quietly; or put your backpack in your room now, please. Don't start with cleaning up a catastrophically messy room or washing the dishes from Thanksgiving dinner. Another mistake parents commonly make is to give what we call “stop” directions: “Stop teasing your brother.” “Don't do that.” Instead, provide a direction for an alternative start-up behavior: “Bring in the mail now, please.” Parents who develop a habit of giving clear directions report that this simple step dramatically improves their children's behavior.
Directions Gone Astray
Here are some of our favorite examples of directions gone astray. With each of these examples, notice the missing elements of clear directions and think of ways to strengthen the direction using the formula: “Name, do X now, please.” And then stand and hold. By the way, if you have any doubt about the importance of the stand-and-hold element, have your partner or a friend give you a simple direction and remain pleasantly, but firmly, in your personal space until you respond. When we were demonstrating the stand-and-hold technique with a friend, he said he became so uneasy that he wanted to comply immediately.
The Drive-By
This is a common mistake we make as parents when giving directions. Naturally, we resort to this approach when we are in a hurry. Rather than taking a few moments to follow the strategies for giving clear directions, we forget several elements.
Dad rushes through the room, calls over his shoulder on his way to the car: “Alison! Hurry up! We have to go!”
What is missing here? Look at the strategies for clear directions and revise this statement to make it more likely to succeed. How long do you think Dad will race his engine before Alison joins him? Will he have to go back inside and try again? Given that he has to start over, how likely is he to be pleasant (or at least neutral)? Let's rewind and try it again with another approach.
Dad rushes through the room on his way out the door. He stops, comes back, and stands by Alison. He gently touches her shoulder, makes eye contact, and smiles.
“Alison, grab your backpack and let's go now, please.”
Then he stands and waits for her to get started.
In the long run, which approach takes more time? And which one will elicit that spirit of cooperation you're working to develop?
Long Distance
Long-distance directions grow out of a combination of obstacles and circumstances, like stairs, large houses, and parents who are multitasking. They have a lot in common with the Drive-By approach described above. At first glance, it seems easiest to just shout out a direction from wherever you may be. The problem is that these kinds of directions are easy for children to ignore. We also do this with our partners.
Mom calls from another room: “Cara . . .”
(No response.)
Mom calls again, louder this time: “Cara. . . Cara! Do you hear me?”
Cara irritably answers: “What?”
Mom calls: “Help your brother and come down for breakfast!”
(No response.)
Mom calls again: “Cara! Cara! Do you hear me? Cara!”
Unless your child is in the habit of cooperating under most circumstances, stop what you're doing and take the time to deliver your message in person. Personal delivery has the added advantage of enabling you to stand and hold, which adds extra strength to your direction.
Buried in Words
Too many words surrounding your directions are an invitation to distraction. Your direction loses focus; your child loses sight of what you want; and you are likely to end up in an argument about some extraneous detail. Save extra words, criticisms, and rationales for their own occasions.
Mom: “Josh, what are you doing playing games in the morning? You've been late for school three times this month and you're going to be late again. How many times do I have to tell you! You can't play games before school in the morning. You have to get ready and out the door! Do you want to be late for school again?”
What is wrong with this direction? And, what, exactly, does Mom want Josh to do, anyway? Let's rewind and try it again.
Mom walks up to Josh and stands between him and the TV screen. She touches him gently on the knee, looks him in the eye, and smiles at him: “Josh, time for school! Grab your backpack and be on your way now, please.”
She continues standing there calmly.
The Guilt Trip
Guilt trips are a tool that we all resort to from time to time. We try to combine a good direction with a morality lesson. Unfortunately, most kids seem to have the natural instincts of litigators: they ignore the direction, which is the point at hand, and find endlessly creative ways to argue the moral issue. Guilt trips seldom elicit quick compliance from anyone, especially children.
Mom: “Ryan, I just tripped over your backpack and nearly fell down! Somebody's going to break their neck falling over the stuff you leave in the middle of the floor. You never think of anyone but yourself. Don't you realize that other people live in this house? Do you even care? What if I hurt myself? Then who would take care of everything? Who would feed you? Do your laundry? Run the errands? You have to pitch in around here. The least you can do is to put your stuff away. I'm not your