Raising Cooperative Kids. Marion S. Forgatch

skill. You have shaped the way your children speak and the things they talk about through daily conversation. Did you even notice how often you accentuated the positive?

      Depending on their age, you may have taught your children toileting, getting dressed, brushing their teeth, and table manners. Next, you introduced more complicated skills, like playing games, washing dishes, and doing homework. For most parents, teaching complex skills is more difficult because they involve many steps, present different challenges for each child, and require attention and patience to achieve. Children's success depends on their parents'teaching skills and their ability to stay involved.

      We have developed and tested two main approaches to teaching through encouragement that work well—tokens and incentive charts. Both depend on your active support for taking small steps on the path to reaching a goal. Tokens are effective for frequently occurring simple behaviors like following directions. Incentive charts help children learn daily routines like going to bed and complex skills like completing a chore. Both approaches involve setting children up for success, encouraging small steps along the way, and noticing and rewarding good behavior. In this way, parents shine the light on what they want to grow. We call this “learning while earning.” Here is the basic technique for teaching through encouragement.

      Strategies for Teaching Through Encouragement

       Identify a goal behavior or skill to develop.

       Break the goal into achievable steps.

       Clearly describe each step.

       Tailor steps to the child's abilities.

       Notice and encourage the child's efforts.

       Identify stumbling blocks, then break that step into smaller steps.

       As the child achieves mastery, increase the challenge.

       Reinforce efforts.

       Celebrate accomplishments.

      Tokens

      When using a token system, you give children small symbols of your approval for specific behaviors. When they earn a given number of tokens, they can trade them in for incentives that serve as motivators. For some children, social rewards like smiles, hugs, compliments, high fives, fist bumps, and simple words of praise are enough. Other children need an extra boost, especially when they have developed bad habits, the behavior is difficult, or times are stressful. When social rewards don't do the trick, we recommend pairing praise and smiles with tokens. Combining social rewards with tokens increases the value of words and gestures. After a behavior is learned, you can start limiting your use of tokens and rely on social rewards.

      A token system can be as flexible as you like, as long as the rules are clear. The first step is to decide what kind of tokens you will use. Here are some suggestions to guide your choices.

      Strategies for Choosing Tokens

       Choose tokens that are fun, so kids enjoy earning them.

       Choose tokens that are immediate, so they can be used right away.

       Choose tokens that are tangible, so kids can touch or see them.

       Choose tokens that are portable, so they can be used anywhere and are easy to have on hand.

       Choose tokens that give a clear message of appreciation.

       Choose tokens that are flexible, so you can adapt them to your needs, as well as your kids'needs.

      You already know the kinds of things your children find attractive. Preschoolers and early school-age kids tend to like stickers. They come in the most wonderful varieties, from simple stars and smiley faces to playful critters or space aliens. For older kids, you can use tally marks on a chart or piece of paper. Whatever you choose, tokens need to be portable so you can use them when you are out and about with your children. Scooby Loops, the stretchy loops used to make potholders, can be used as tokens and repurposed into bracelets or wristbands. You can buy them in craft stores by the scores in all sorts of colors. Some parents load their wrists with a dozen or so of these and, when their children earn a token, they transfer one to the child's wrist. Most kids like to choose the color themselves, and the exchange takes place amid smiles and giggles. There are many other kinds of tokens you can use. Some parents carry beans or colored pasta shapes in their pockets. As the child earns a token, the parent can shift it from one pocket to the other, or give it to the child.