When we think about change, we often focus on what is wrong—what needs fixing. This is easier than noticing what you and children do right. Some of the most common complaints we hear from parents about their children's behavior include stubbornness, unwillingness to accept “no” for an answer, whining, arguing, temper tantrums, noncompliance, bedtime problems, bad attitude, procrastination, disrespect, carelessness, thoughtlessness, self-centeredness, and fear of trying new things. Review the elements of a successful goal statement as you turn these problem behaviors into active goal statements. Remember that a goal statement says what you want so clearly that a stranger will understand what you mean: it is future-oriented and positively framed, and it can be broken down into small steps. Goal statements have the same basic ingredients whether you want to raise cooperative children, read a novel by Isabel Allende in Spanish, lose weight, or catch a trout.
Let's apply these ingredients to several common behavioral problems.
Notice how often the positive opposite for a problem behavior is compliance or cooperation. For most parents, complaints boil down to the fact that their kids just don't follow directions—at least not without an argument. Some parents say their children use a disrespectful tone of voice when talking to them, or roll their eyes, or. . . you name it. These are not cooperative behaviors.
The building blocks for attaining goals like resilience, independence, self-discipline, and happiness all tend to be based on cooperation. Cooperation involves working together with a spirit of collaboration or teamwork. Cooperative people are pleasant to be around. They are helpful and kind. Parents everywhere say they want their children to follow directions pleasantly, play by the rules, and get along with others, especially family members. When family members cooperate with each other, they enjoy each other's company. The question is how do you bring this about?
Modeling and Shaping Behavior
Let's take an item on one parent's wish list. A mother wants her three-year-old to stop grabbing for things and instead politely ask to share. She starts by showing her how to do it using several small steps.
Mom (cuddling a teddy bear): Let's pretend we're playing and you want me to share Teddy with you. Remember how to ask to share, sweetheart?
Jill: Gimme Teddy?
Mom: That's right. You ask. And do you remember the magic word?
Jill: Please gimme Teddy?
Mom (giving her the teddy): Much better. Now I'm going to ask you to share. Jill, may I have Teddy back now please?
Jill: But I just got her.
Mom (smiling reassuringly): We're just practicing, honey. May I have Teddy now, please? (pleasantly waiting)
Jill: Okay. Can I have her back?
Mom: Sure. Remember how to ask?
Jill: Can I have Teddy back . . . please?
Mom (clapping): You've got it!
This is an example of modeling and shaping sharing behavior, almost as you would shape a block of clay. Mom started with the raw material and, through a series of small steps, she showed Jill how to behave. She did not require perfection. Although Jill's “Please gimme Teddy” wasn't the height of politeness, it was better than her first demand. Rather than correcting her, Mom praised her for adding the “please” and then modeled a slightly improved version. When Jill complained, Mom simply reminded her they were practicing and restated her request to share. Practice and patience allow you to teach your children the many things they have to learn on the road to growing up. Very few three-year-olds will suddenly begin sharing without guidance, thanks to the more hard-wired coercive nature we discussed earlier.
Take a look at your list of short-term goals and pick one that you would like to start working on in the coming weeks. Be hopeful, yet realistic. For openers, start with a goal that will build on strengths your children already possess. So, if you want one of your children to become more responsible, consider ways in which that child already demonstrates responsibility—perhaps remembering to feed and water the dog regularly. Can you think of things that prompt that behavior consistently? Does the dog give cues? Is there a routine around caring for the dog before breakfast and dinner? Now think of something you'd like done better—something the child already does sometimes, but not reliably. Is there a way to incorporate cues that can help? Or can you help by building in a routine? This is one way you can use your children's existing strengths to add new responsibilities to their repertoire.
Goal statements should be simultaneously ambitious and realistic. They should reach slightly beyond wherever your child is right now. When you teach responsibility, you have to break that goal into steps. Teach your child to be successful in one arena and then generalize it to another—and another—and another. One step at a time; one goal at a time. As your simple goals are accomplished, you can design goal statements for steps further along in the process of achieving your long-term goal. Eventually, responsibility will become second nature and help guide most of your children's behaviors.
The problem for many parents is that they wait until they are near desperation before seeking help. Then they want a quick solution. As you know, there are no simple fixes for the complexities of raising children. A counselor who barely knows you or your family cannot and should not tell you what to do. He or she can only introduce you to tools (hopefully ones that work) and show you how to apply them. As parents, you are the architects. You are in charge of designing your life according to your personal values. You'll be successful if you build on the strengths you and your family already have and plan how to achieve your goals.
Compromise
Let's look at how one mom used goal statements to overcome a problem in her family. Notice how she had to think about what she wanted and then create steps to get there.
Lisa and Adam have been married for eight years. They have a seven-year-old daughter, Hanna, and a five-year-old son, Ethan. Saturday mornings are reserved for grocery shopping, running errands, and maintaining the house and yard. Lisa takes errand duty with the kids in tow while Adam cleans the gutters, changes lightbulbs, and fixes whatever needs fixing. Saturday mornings are usually hectic and tensions run high—for Lisa. Grocery shopping is like running a gauntlet. Every aisle is booby-trapped with something to catch the children's attention. She can't get a loaf of bread without an argument: “No, you can't have that.” “That's not on mommy's list.” “Hanna, put that down.” “Ethan, stop throwing mommy's groceries out of the cart.” “Hanna, I won't say it again.” “Ethan, if you want to ride in the cart, stop sliding out of the seat.” Lisa simmers and thinks about how Adam is at home probably chatting with the neighbor about power tools or working in the garage. Lisa decides something has to change.
When she returns home, she sees Adam hooking up a TV set on the wall above his workbench. After helping the kids out of the car, she stares incredulously at Adam and then takes the kids inside for a snack. She returns to the garage, switching her gaze from her husband to the TV and back again: “Are you kidding me?”
Adam smiles, guilt oozing from his pores, and tries to explain: “This was a heck of a deal, honey. Yard sale down the street this morning. Only twenty-five dollars.”
Keeping her voice down, Lisa says: “Yes. I'm sure having a TV in the garage is exactly what you need. However, for me, I've had it with this Saturday morning routine where I run all over town doing the shopping with