Adam is taken off guard. He is proud of how he kept up the yard and house maintenance and how neatly he arranged his many tools—most of which he rarely used. He thought they were happy with the way they did things. His wife's anger is a shock that seems to come out of nowhere. He starts to defend himself, but Lisa continues: “Adam, I don't actually think you are a chauvinist. I think you are simply insensitive and selfish, and you have worked it out brilliantly so that you don't have to deal with the kids.”
“What do you want?” Adam asks cautiously. Unwittingly, Adam has asked the perfect question.
“I'll tell you what I want. I want Saturday mornings to be easier for me. Let's change places. From now on, you do the grocery shopping with the kids, and I'll stay here and watch TV in the garage.”
Lisa storms back through the kitchen. “Daddy will clean up after you when you're done. Mommy has to take a long nap.”
Lisa leaves Adam and the kids in the kitchen, shuts the door to the bedroom, and locks it. The day doesn't get any better.
• • •
This situation suggests that Lisa and Adam have more than one or two problems to solve. They've fallen into a pattern that worked well in the past, but it has lost its purpose, especially for Lisa. Some of the problems may feel familiar to you. They certainly are common for most families. And it's particularly difficult if you have to manage the many stressors of daily life on your weekend off from work, times when people need to enjoy each other's company.
Let's label some of the problems in this situation, keeping in mind that, so far, we only have the story from Lisa's perspective. The problems include: grocery shopping, kids' behavior in the store and car (arguing, noncompliance, teasing), and communication between partners. Take a moment and turn those problem behaviors into goal statements, remembering the essential elements required for success: the goal should be future-oriented, state what is desired, be positively framed, and be specific enough for a stranger to understand. Now let's look at ways to break Lisa's goal into smaller steps.
Grocery shopping is not a specific statement. It's not really clear whether grocery shopping per se is the problem, or if it is shopping with the kids along for the ride. Turning this problem into a clearly defined goal will need more conversation with Lisa.
Kids' behavior in the grocery store and car. You probably found this one easier to turn into a goal that comprises several smaller steps, like accepting “no” and following directions. Those are specific actions and parents can tell whether or not they are happening. The underlying goal is for the kids to cooperate with Mom and with each other.
Communicating with your partner. It seems pretty clear that Lisa has been harboring bad feelings about this situation for a while. Perhaps this Saturday was worse than others, but her return home did not occasion a collaborative problem-solving discussion with her husband about how to make things better. What would a reasonable goal statement be for this situation? There are many options, and they will reflect your particular values and the strengths in your partnership. Timing is important. Let's say that this couple gets along well when they have a dinner date. Then, they enjoy talking about the children, things at home and in their lives, and their hopes and plans for the future. This is the proper setting for discussions about changing things up—not when Lisa pulled up in the driveway.
If Lisa were to write down a goal statement, what do you imagine she would say? After thinking it through, Lisa decides she likes doing the shopping because she's the one planning meals for the family. She enjoys cooking and she has the time for it because she gets home from work at least two hours before Adam. The problem is the kids. Her goal statement is to be able to do Saturday morning shopping by herself.
Adam knows how much harder it is to get things done with the kids around. When they first moved into their house, Lisa taking the kids shopping with her made sense. Adam was putting in new hardwood floors in the living room, tearing down old wallpaper, and installing new appliances. It was safer for the children to go with mom. But those projects have been finished for a year. The time is overdue to change the routine to one that is more equitable. Lisa's goal statement, “I want to do my Saturday morning shopping by myself,” got the ball rolling. In many ways, Lisa and Adam's goals turn out to be the same: they each want Saturday mornings to be easier, happier, and more fun.
Lisa had been anything but happy for months. Adam knew she was uptight, but avoided bringing it up until she revolted over a TV set going into the garage. To recover some happiness, they had to take small steps. They agreed he would keep both kids at home on Saturday mornings and engage them in activities where he could keep an eye on them. Lisa saved almost two hours by shopping alone and she was a lot happier when she came home. Adam felt that having his wife cheerful again on Saturday mornings was worth the new arrangement. In exchange for Adam being fair, Lisa told him to keep his TV and to finish setting up his man cave.
Cooperation
Many parents feel stuck in a rut and somewhat hopeless about getting their families back on track. Some want to get right to work on their really big problems. They often have trouble finding the patience to think about strengths and values and don't take the time to make positive goal statements. We know from our research, however, that focusing on strengths helps parents remember why they wanted children in the first place and why they love them so much. And focusing on goals can help solve all kinds of problems in all types of families.
Daniella and Cesar were skeptical about making goal statements. They were at their wits end and wanted the pain to stop. When asked about their goals for their family, they stated they wanted their children to stop fighting and to do as they were told without arguing. They couldn't imagine how thinking about their strengths and values and identifying goals could improve the behavior of any of their three children—two boys in elementary school, Benito and Miguel, and a daughter in middle school, Ava. They seemed to be at war over something every day. Daniella summed up her feelings like this: “When I tell them to do something, I want them to do it now, and I want them to do it without pushing back. I feel as if the kids are forever fighting with each other or with me. I don't see how making lists about what is good about myself or the kids will get them to stop fighting or pick up after themselves.”
Daniella and Cesar had been struggling with the chaos of school-day mornings for several months, with the kids fighting over use of the bathroom they shared. When Daniella was asked to identify a goal to help solve the problem, she started with: “I want our daughter to stop creating such a selfish scene in the morning!”
The problem here is that Daniella's goal describes what she doesn't want. Simply saying she wants Ava to stop her selfish morning dramas doesn't address what she should be doing instead. To design a plan with a chance of success, she needs to start by defining what she wants Ava to do.
Daniella was asked to remember a time when things went well between the children and identify something positive about each child. Cesar helped by remembering that Ava is especially sweet when she reads to her brothers before bed, and both boys like to snuggle up next to her while listening with rapt attention. It was surprising how drawing up that image of the children acting cooperatively changed the tone of the discussion. Even though Daniella and Cesar figured the goal of peaceful mornings would be impossible, they came up with something more realistic: “The children share the bathroom equally and get out the door to school pleasantly.” By framing their goal statement positively, they could begin to think of small steps toward the goal.
Daniella began to perk up. “Ava needs to get up on time for starters and share the bathroom.”
“And the boys have to stop banging on the door and shouting at her,” Cesar added. “Hmmm. Or maybe, stated positively, the boys have to knock quietly on the door and politely ask Ava to open up.”
Now that they had clear goal statements, the next challenge