Self-Esteem is about feeling good about yourself in relationship to others. In the face of pain, self-esteem would have you feel better because you convince yourself that you are still doing better than other people. Negative outcomes of high self-esteem are ignoring or denying stress, pains, and disappointments, and putting others down.
Self-Indulgence is about catering to your whims without true regard for your well-being. In the face of pain and discomfort, self-indulgence would have you distract yourself away from your discomfort or numb it without acknowledging it.
Self-Compassion is about feeling good about yourself and caring for your well-being. In the face of pain, self-compassion has you give yourself empathy, nurturing, and kindness. While self-pity says, “feel sorry forme,” self-compassion remembers that everyone suffers, offering comfort in response to suffering.35
Purpose: To begin to cultivate compassion for yourself
After years of being hard on yourself, you can attest to the fact that with criticism, instead of gaining a sense of comfort and safety, deep down inside, you end up feeling just the opposite.
When we feel kindness, understanding, acceptance, and support from others, it activates our soothing innate caregiving response, and our systems are infused with oxytocin, the hormone of bonding. As a result, our feelings of trust, calm, connectedness, and safety also increase.
Not only that, but when we feel accepted by others, our ability to generate warmth and compassion for ourselves increases as well. Practicing self-compassion eases the sense of threat produced by the Inner Critic and helps create a feeling of being protected.36 It follows that if we feel a sense of acceptance by others, then we can better generate compassion for ourselves.
I think of this as “compassion by association.” We’re going to use a technique called a compassionate reframe37 to trigger this mechanism of using the feeling of compassion to proffer self-compassion. This exercise is adapted from the “Perfect Nurturer” approach developed by Deborah Lee.38
Part 1: Use the Self-Compassion Template
When you feel yourself starting to think inner critical thoughts, take a moment to close your eyes.
Become aware of your Inner Critic’s thoughts.
Then shift attention to your breathing to get grounded in your body and in the present moment.
Then using the self-compassion template described earlier, focus on putting yourself in a kind and empathetic mind frame.
Part 2: The Embodiment of Warm Support
Close your eyes again. Think of a person who will be your creativity cheerleader. It could be anyone: a supportive family member, a religious or historical figure, or even a beloved fictional character.
From this point on, this person will represent your ultimate ideal of caring, support, and encouragement. This person radiates the qualities of strength, wisdom, and acceptance without judgment. Imagine that this person wants the absolute best for you and does not wish to see any hurt or harm come to you.
To fully envision this person who is the embodiment of warm support, employ all of your senses to firmly embed the image and feel of this person in your head.
What does this person look like?
How is this person dressed?
What does his or her voice sound like?
How do you feel when this person gives you kind messages of support?
Is your support person accompanied by a pleasant smell like baking bread, freshly cut grass, orange blossoms, or the sea?
Focus on your cheerleader having an attitude of caring for you and extending feelings of warmth towards you. It may help to recollect feelings of warmth you’ve experienced from others in the past and then draw upon that sensation.
When you are in the midst of mentally beating yourself up for some perceived misstep, invoke your Creativity Cheerleader. Ask yourself, “What would my cheerleader say to me right now?”
Imagine your cheerleader telling you exactly what you need to hear in that moment.
What does your Creativity Cheerleader say to you?
How do his or her words and actions make you feel?
Hold the feeling of being supported in your mind to have it anchor itself in your being.
Part 3: Your Future Creatively Confident Self
In addition to (or instead of) your warm support coming from someone else, you can have it come from yourself. But it’s not the you from the present – it’s the you from the future who is completely confident about owning her or his creativity.
That’s right: your future creatively confident self can be your Creativity Cheerleader to coach you through your Inner Critic angst.
If you need help, think about what you needed to hear when you were in the throes of an Inner Critic attack in the past.
What kind of advice and guidance would you have wanted to hear back then?
Knowing what you know now, what would you tell your past self?
Now in the present, your badass creative self has come from the future to show you some love and give you some support.
What kind of wise advice and guidance does your future self offer?
How does your future self encourage you to be kind to yourself?
No matter who you choose as your creativity cheerleader, to start to build and exercise your self-compassion muscles, keep this voice of guidance and support in mind as you dive into this process.
Glean Your Inner Critic Afflictions
“GUlL: I’m afflicted.
ROS: I see.
GUlL: Glean what afflicts me.”
— Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
Now that we are more familiar with the practices that provide a common thread throughout the work that we are doing, we’re well-equipped to set out on the road to change and empowerment.
Our first order of business is to understand the workings of the Inner Critic. It’s been doing its job for so long that you may be numb to its presence. But it’s there, trust me.
These exercises are designed to help you get a better handle on how your Inner Critic shows up in your life and affects you, and some new ways to start dealing with it.
Ready? Let’s do this.
Recognize Your Inner Critical Voice
“It’s one thing to lie to ourselves. It’s another thing to believe it.”
— Steven Pressfield, The War of Art
The Inner Critic is so strongly convinced of its position that it uses incendiary language to make its point. In fact, this is one of the easiest ways to detect the Inner Critic. Whenever you think in absolutes or hyperbole like, “I’ll never get better at this” or “I’m always behind schedule” you can be sure that you’re witnessing the Inner Critic’s handiwork.
One key practice of meditation is acknowledging thoughts that come up and then ignoring them to focus your attention elsewhere. When you create distance between you and your self-critical thoughts, you’ll begin to notice that they are often temporary. One will bubble up into your consciousness, then be replaced by another one, and so on. The only way a thought