This impartiality avoids igniting the circuitry associated with self-critical thoughts. It allows us to see situations and ourselves within them more clearly, providing much-needed perspective and insight. By thinking differently about our inner critical thoughts, and seeing them less as the truth about us and more of a habitual protective reflex of the mind, we can then begin to dismiss these thoughts as products of an over-active network or as circuitry that is misfiring, and again, we choose not to respond or react to them.
When your Inner Critic comes up, instead of getting wrapped up in the thoughts of self-judgment, self-criticism or self-doubt, you can think this to yourself:
“Oh, my brain is doing that Inner Critic thing again.”
“My Inner Critic circuit is running again.”
Then shift your attention back to what you are doing.
This simple practice will prevent you from activating the emotions that were the typical response to these thoughts. By doing this, you can divert the whole thought cascade that used to happen would be diverted.
By thinking differently about the thoughts that previously caused you no end of angst and consternation, you will effectively suppress activity in the part of your brain that regularly generates those self-critical thoughts.
Awaken Your Compassionate Self
“Self-compassion can melt away your Inner Critic.”
— Sandra Bienkowski, writer
In place of self-criticism, we need to actively begin to practice the opposite: self-compassion. Self-compassion is taking our natural capacity for sympathetic concern for others and turning it toward ourselves; particularly during moments of feeling inadequate, disappointed, and suffering. Self-compassion is realizing that self-criticism is the enemy and then acting to reverse its deleterious effects. Research has shown self-compassion to be “a key antidote” to toxic self-criticism.25 In fact, it is probably the most powerful tool in our toolbox to reverse a tendency to self-criticize.
If you’ve been in the practice of regularly using harsh self-talk as a motivator, you may be concerned that amping up your levels of self-kindness and compassion will make you lose your “edge,” leaving you a lazy and unmotivated slacker. Despite our ability to spend a weekend (or several) binge-watching Netflix, humans aren’t inclined to idleness. In fact, our natural tendency is to be engaged and to work. In her book, Reality is Broken, author Jane McGonigal says that humans prefer challenge to boredom and that “we prefer productivity to dissipation.”26 Ironically, self-criticism can actually hold us back from reaching our goals;27 instead, reassuring ourselves through self-kindness and self-compassion motivates us to attain them.
Self-compassion is a critical element in our ability to properly care for ourselves emotionally. Writer Sandra Bienkowski puts it this way: “Living without self-compassion is like driving a car you never take in for regular maintenance. Eventually your car won’t work right and it breaks down.”28 As a tool and practice for maintaining our emotional equilibrium, it has an impressive list of benefits. When we’re feeling inadequate, self-compassion helps us to feel more secure and accepted by activating our innate care-giving system and encouraging the release of oxytocin.29 It decreases insecurity, self-consciousness, and the tendency to compare ourselves with others, and increases confidence through building our belief that we are worthy and capable.30 It lessens depression and anxiety,31 and as a result, gives you back energy formerly spent being down on yourself. It can foster emotional resilience and mental toughness and shore up inner strength and courage. Self–compassion helps to increases levels of calm and even joy.
Still not sold? Self-compassion also strongly correlates with achieving mastery in your field and optimal performance.32 Additional benefits of building up your level of self-compassion are that you will have higher standards for yourself, work harder through enhanced motivation, and take more responsibility for your actions, and you will have more “grit.”
But here’s the coup de grace: practicing self-compassion helps us to unblock and express creativity, which enables us to access higher levels of creative thinking and creative originality.33 Self-compassion enables us to nurture our creativity instead of stifle it.
Yes to all of this! This dizzying array of the benefits of self-compassion is precisely what we need when our Inner Critic has worn us down.
Self-compassion has two parts: the first is making a conscious effort to stop self-judgment. The second is to actively comfort ourselves, the same as we would a friend in need. To see how the mechanism of self-compassion works, do this: Think about how you would feel toward and treat a dear friend – especially if your friend came to you seeking support during a difficult time in life. What feelings would you extend toward your friend? What would you tell your friend? What kind of language would you use to comfort your friend? Envision this whole scenario playing out in your head. Now take note of and mentally record those feelings and messages. This is your self-compassion template: how you will now treat and talk to yourself in place of self-criticism. You will now treat yourself with the same kindness and care with which you would treat a friend.
How do we put self-compassion into practice? In practicing the positive self-to-self relating of self-compassion, our goals are to become sensitive to our distress, understand the roots of our distress, have empathy for ourselves, and finally view ourselves and our situations without judgment.34 It’s self-compassion that we will use to develop empathy for the distress we’ve experienced due to the Inner Critic.
The Inner Critic is a purveyor of emotionally damaging messages. Having an overzealous Inner Critic doesn’t feel good – in fact, it hurts. You and I know that there’s nothing enjoyable about being in the throes of an Inner Critic episode. The first step in beginning to break the Inner Critic reflex through self-compassion is to acknowledge how hurtful it has been all of these years. The constant barrage of negative self-talk and self-criticism wears away at our sense of self and confidence. The original core directive of the Inner Critic was to protect, but the true consequence of its limiting messages is the slow and steady disintegration of our being.
The second step is to upgrade our self-talk. The primary way to put self-compassion into action and start being kinder to ourselves is through changing our self-talk from being critical to being supportive. The trick is to use sympathetic rather than chastising language when we talk to ourselves. Then we reframe our inner dialogue so that we express empathy for ourselves and our circumstances. Through this two-step approach we can begin to silence the Inner Critic.
Self-compassion and mindfulness make a great team: mindfulness is actually one of the keys to self-compassion. Mindfulness gives us the space to treat ourselves with kindness. When we improve our mindfulness skills, we automatically improve our ability to be self-compassionate.
When it comes to banishing the Inner Critic, the combination of mindfulness and self-compassion pack a one-two punch as far as quieting self-critical thoughts, which is why the two are the foundation of our process. Mindfulness increases awareness, enabling us to begin to dismiss the thoughts that thwart our creativity. Then through self-compassion, we can replace these hurtful thoughts with supportive ones.
Self-compassion paves the way to self-acceptance. Ironically, it is in fully accepting ourselves as we are that we open the space for change in our lives. We will transform the dynamic of the Inner Critic by replacing the threat of toxic self-criticism through generating feelings of warmth and compassion. Instead of continuing the habit of beating ourselves up, we will comfort ourselves instead, reassuring ourselves in the face of profound self-doubt. Finally, instead of discounting our creativity and thereby blocking it, we will start to respect and nurture our powerful creative selves and create the space to let for our creativity to flow.
When you start building up your compassion muscles, you’ll see that they’ve always been there at the ready to direct concern not only toward others, but also toward yourself.
Purpose: