He spread some soft goat cheese on a cracker and handed it to me. “Please have some.”
I accepted and looked into his eyes. But I couldn’t find the words to wonder aloud about the big surprise so I simply said, “Thank you.” I was completely certain that he’d read the quizzical look on my face.
He smiled, moved about two inches closer to me on the couch, reached for some cashews, and turned his body to face me directly.
“I suppose you’re wondering what’s going on,” he said. “Well, I spent the last two days in a workshop with a Tantra master.”
I didn’t have a frame of reference for a Tantra master, so I just nodded and waited for him to say more.
As he began to share his experience, I noticed that his demeanor was completely different than how I’d experienced him before. He was confident, kind, and loving, and his passion for this Tantra thing was so intoxicating that I barely heard a word he said. Nonetheless, as he continued to speak, I found myself leaning in, hoping to understand what he was saying.
“The really intriguing thing about Tantra,” he said, “is the focus on worshipping the Goddess.”
Again, I didn’t have a frame of reference, other than the small big-bellied figurines I’d seen in a book about ancient matriarchal societies.
He moved back a little away from me and seemed to be taking my temperature on this idea, then said, “I was thinking we could dedicate this evening to Goddess worship.”
Unsure of the meaning of this proposal, I said, “I’m not sure what you mean. Goddess worship?”
He explained that the workshop with the Tantra master had opened his eyes to a whole new world, a world he wanted to share with me…if I was willing. He described it as a world that would involve all of my senses, a world in which I would be the focus of his attention, a world where he would put his sexual desire aside and focus solely on my pleasure. “I simply want to worship you as the embodiment of the Goddess.”
I stammered. Looked around the room for a place to hide. Battled my urge to race out the door and finally convinced myself that it couldn’t hurt. I could always get up and leave if this Goddess worship thing turned into yet another failed romantic attempt. “I suppose,” I said. “What do you want me to do?”
He smiled, picked up his iPad, and put on what he called his new “Tantra playlist.” Then for the first time since I’d stepped through the door, he moved close, touched my knee and said, “You just sit there and enjoy the music. Have some cheese and nuts. I’m going to draw you a bath.”
That first night of Goddess worship was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I literally just lay on his bed and allowed myself to be pleasured with no expectations. I did not have crazy, screaming orgasms (those came later), but I did experience my body in a way I never had before. I didn’t know I was capable of experiencing such an immense amount of pleasure. And the connection I felt to my sexuality was completely new to me.
That night was the beginning of a wondrous journey. I had a long road ahead of me, but that night lit a flame in my belly and gave me a mountain of hope. I did not have to be a broken woman forever.
What if I told you that, no matter your age, the best sex of your life is ahead of you? How would your life be different if you started having the most amazing sex of your life in the months and years ahead? I’m talking about mind-blowing, “Oh my God! —What the f*** was that!?” kind of sex. You can have orgasms that make you think you have died and gone to heaven; orgasms that rock your entire body; orgasms you feel from the tips of your toes to the top of your head; orgasms that last not just for minutes, but for hours; orgasms that make you scream and moan, and that take you out of your body into blissful dimensions previously unknown. This is the potential of your sexuality.
With extended orgasm, your biochemistry changes completely; it’s like natural LSD.
Imagine feeling more pleasure in your body than you thought possible. How would it feel to be so sexually awake and alive that you can completely surrender to sensation and pleasure? This is my wish for you—to live an orgasmic life.
Appearances Can Be Deceiving
If you’d known me when I was forty years old, it’s quite likely you would have thought that I was already living an orgasmic life. I’d turned my background in health care law into a very successful health care consulting business in New York City. I lived in a gorgeous apartment on the Upper West Side with my husband of twenty years and my two amazing boys. I oversaw a complete gutting and renovation of our New York apartment, personally selecting every piece of wood, granite, stone, and platinum. I was certain we would live there for the rest of our lives and that one of our boys would inherit the place. I was living THE life, with all the material trappings that went along with it. My kids went to the best schools in the city. We frequented the finest restaurants, took amazing vacations, and attended premiere Broadway openings and events. And yet I knew deep inside that there was something missing in my life.
It was actually my oldest son's theatrical talent that had brought us from the DC suburbs to New York City. At age eleven, he was cast in the Broadway production of The Sound of Music. Our move to New York opened up a whole new world to our family. Little did we know that we had a musical genius on our hands. By age thirteen, he was writing and composing music at such a high level that Stephen Schwartz, the composer of the hit musical Wicked, agreed to be his mentor. I often joke that it was the letter of recommendation from Schwartz that got my son into Yale.
Although my husband was a successful lawyer at a big-time New York firm, he was miserably unhappy with his work. But he was so inspired by our son’s musical genius that his creativity was sparked. In the blink of an eye, he and my eldest became a father/son writing team in the highly competitive world of musical theater.
In time, and due to my son’s involvement in the theater world, I became a theater producer. I supported many musicals both on and off-Broadway and produced five Broadway musicals, including How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I even made theatrical history by having one of my shows nominated for twelve Tony Awards and not win a single one.
Tony-nominated theater producer, thriving business owner, mother of two awesome boys, wife of a successful lawyer, founder of a theater production company…as you can imagine, those on the outside looking in thought I was living a fairy-tale life. But as we all know, looks can be deceiving.
The Widening Divide
What my friends and family did not know was that my husband and I had stopped having sex when I was thirty-two, a few years after our second son was born. As often happens with couples who lose their physical relationship, we also began to lose any intimacy in our life. Our good night cuddles started to fade away, as did kissing, with the exception of a peck on the lips. The passion we had for each other when we were first married was nonexistent.
Our king-size bed grew in dimension and there was a dividing line down the middle. We turned away from each other at night and each slept in our own prison. It didn’t help matters that my husband suffered from insomnia and that I had restless legs. Eventually, he left our bed and started sleeping in another room.
By the time I left my marriage at age fifty, we had been sleeping in separate beds for over fifteen years. The only touch I ever received was from my children. Luckily, my youngest son, was a cuddle-bug. He also was extremely empathic and could sense my loneliness and the rift between his father and me. My youngest always knew when